This is taking over my life

Hello I'm Nicole I was diagnosed with TLE as a child and when I was 14, stopped taking meds, but I think my seizures just changed and never stopped. However eegs keep coming out normal. I have episodes that seem like simple partials, but never generalize. However, it affects my everyday life because when they happen, they happen in clusters and it fries my brain. I am not able to work-I used to teach English as a second language online-because my memory is terrible now and when these episodes happen, my brain slows and sometimes it is even hard to talk. One, I feel like there is someone pushing down on my shoulders. Usually happens when I am standing in the kichen for some reason. Then i feel this awful emotion like extreme sadness and something bad is going to happen. I also feel like I need to lay down and my head feels funny. I usually go lay down and it eventually stops. Second one, I feel like a warmth rising from my stomach all the way to my chest, then I feel like one side of my face droops and feels like jell-o Lately, my back has been tightening and one of my legs feels tight too. This usually comes with a feeling of extreme sadness or impending doom. I try to talk myself through it or listen to music, but most of the time I can't avoid it and I start crying Third one, I could be doing something perfectly normal and then suddenly get hit by this sad feeling that makes me want to cry. Once I start, I can't stop. It is almost as if someone died. Afterward, I am fine, but I feel exhausted. This happened to me yesterday and I slept for hours. I am sorry this is so long. If you have read through this much, I would like to know if anyone has experienced something like this. I don't get deja-vu, but I have had moments where I saw a word and couldn't say it and it came out funny. Once I woke up and it took a few minutes for me to remember where I was even though I was clearly in my own room. Over the years, I have also had visual hallucinations. Seeing colors and wiry things floating toward me as I wake up. I am afraid I will go down the same route I went down 6 years ago and get diagnosed with pseudo seizures or psychogenic. I am willing to accept whatever it is, as long as I can get some help. I hate taking meds but I am willing to, if I can get my brain back.