Smile Awhile!

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. Wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1. Growing old is mandatory; Growing up is optional. 2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

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Submitted by spiz on Mon, 2006-07-03 - 20:38

The Secret Language of Women (Men should probably commit this to memory...) Fine: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. Thanks A Lot: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

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Submitted by spiz on Mon, 2006-07-03 - 21:14

Obey..... Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Marjorie "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore." "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

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Submitted by spiz on Tue, 2006-07-04 - 01:08

Sweet Life Beauty is everywhere celebrate being alive. Let us all walk our path with gentle footsteps and listening hearts. Take time each day for quiet contemplation and make time to love and be loved. Life is a garden that blossoms when tended with love, laughter, and a believing heart. Laughter is a richer gift when shared with those we love. A simple act of kindness can change the course of a lifetime. Happiness is a matter of listening closely to the questions of the heart. Love and gratitude have a language all their own. They hear the words that are left unspoken. Making the time to be together is the finest gift we can ever give. Greet each day with the belief that wonderful things are about to happen. The earth sings in blue skies and wildflowers may its joyful music awaken you to the beauty of life.