Epilepsy and Stress

To whomsoever concerned, This is a story, the story I’d like to share with you, the story of me. At times I wonder if I might get Alzheimer’s in the long run, so this letter is for me too, just in case I forgot who I was. Correction. How much of a strong woman I was. You might wonder how or you might think this is just another ‘brag about myself’ kinda auto-biography. This is more than that, it is about how I picked me up from my own shattered pieces. This is how I made myself whole after being dragged by death. This is how reincarnation happens. Sounds filmy? Read on for more. Sedated by medicine, plundering my brain for words to coin up, I write this for the 80 year old me seated in a breezy balcony, reading about herself. I write this for you too, just in case you want to re-learn the importance of being alive. There’s a quote which reads, You have two lives, the second life begins when you realize you only have one. How I wish I read this quote before I made a few mistakes, mistakes that still haunt me. How I wish I didn’t overthink, I didn’t put myself down to budge for someone else, I refused to say no, I was naive, I stood for the wrong people, I tried again and again to impress them but failed miserably, I battled to fit in, I put my efforts and invested in those who least cared for me, I never gave heed to what I really wanted, I lost my own character, I never gave any self-importance or had any self-respect, I tried to become someone the society wanted me to be, I was confused and frustrated and anxious and angry and hurt and depressed. Problems, problems, and more problems. Stress, tension and loneliness. Tears, frets and shivers. One day, I fell unconscious, frothing and convulsing. How you live is not just taking care of your external needs like clothing and cars and cosmetics. It is not the house you live in, read this carefully and out loud, how you live is in the house you build WITHIN yourself. There was no shelter to me back then, so my mind kept wandering to unwelcome places. My mind changed to the shape of pits and pot holes and my body? My body dragged itself to illness. How I wish I never got an epileptic attack. How I wish. Pause || It was a rocky path I tell you, I fell down and got to my feet only to fall down again. I stood back up until I was injured hard in the head, I tumbled down and lost conscious. These aren’t metaphors and similes, I am writing about a serious brain damage and all that it does to a human being. It was terribly difficult, and embarrassing too. We live in a society which says people with depression are possessed, need say more? I still remember the times I fell flat on the floor, with froth in my mouth, hands and legs shaking uncontrollably, while being least aware that I was going to get a fit attack. What hurts most is when people evade you, they keep you at a distance and label you ill, or in some cases, evil (possessed). I remember how I sadly looked at my college van leaving me apart during tours, wishing I never had epilepsy. Or how I was thrown out of my hostel because the management thought epilepsy was “contagious”. I struggled to explain the hallucinatory voices that only I heard, the people whom only I saw. I failed in attempts to make even my own parents understand that I was mentally disturbed. People labeled me strange and lunatic and I should probably be lying if I say it didn’t hurt me. For a class topper like me, it was never easy to see my grades fall, I eventually dropped out of college. I was not able to concentrate because of constant sedation. Extreme stress, humiliation, depression and utter bewilderment. For about three years, I hardly even smiled. I lost interest in life and at times, on even being alive! The society will only make it worse, they said it’s a surprise if I get married because “not everyone will be ready to marry a girl with epilepsy”. Every minute of my life back then, I was scared of getting an attack, I found it hard to concentrate or think straight. Sometimes, I even peed during an attack. It was too much to take. And then I realized, after n number of doctor consultations and research, that the healing should start from within, I should be the one putting an end to this. I should be the one taking control of my mind and taking care of my body. And so, I started nurturing myself in every way possible. Meditation helped, Yoga did miracles. Changing my friends circle and spending time with positive people cleared clutters in my life. For all I know, healing begins when you have a positive nature. Peace was a welcome change. And love! Love can do miracles. I surrounded myself with people who abundantly loved me. And most importantly, I was the first on my list, my list of self-respect and love. I stood first. And that is when I truly started feeling great and getting better. I am healing. And so will you! Look in the mirror, the person you see there is an incredibly strong one who should never give up. You are here for a reason, to celebrate life. For now, just take a moment off and breathe.. Ease does it. P.S: Don’t forget to take your pills.