Struggling with everything

Hi there, unfortunately psychiatric symptoms are very common side effects of all the anti-epileptic drugs. So I hate to say it but it's very possible the changes in mood/motivation/grades etc are actually caused by the Depakote. The massive weight gain is a notorious common side effect of Depakote (don't get me started but I think the drug is evil). I'd be extremely surprised if there wasn't a connection given the timing but of course that's something you need to discuss with a doctor. Have any of all the professionals you've seen even suggested that?  Of course it would be so much easier if you didn't have full seizure control on that drug, but if turns out to be the case then you have to seriously weigh up the pros and cons of what's affecting your life more?

Hello,I can relate to your condition so much and as I was reading your text I almost cried because your story really reminds me myself. I suffer from TLE ever since I was born. I discovered it when I was 14 after seizure activity, however I was suffering from auras long before. Strange feelings, hallucinations, deja vus, emotional changes, excessive overthinking and as a result of all these and the medication I am taking I developed OCD as well. I also suffer from excessive daydreaming or known as  maladaptive daydreaming. I have been under a depressive state my whole life. I have experienced emotional breakdowns and isolation. Not because I had nobody. I always had people around me that cared and still care for me and I really enjoy them, however I always feel alone. This feeling never leaves me. I feel different from the others, not because of the fact that I am epileptic. It's just a feeling. I had this even before I discovered that I am epileptic. I have this desire of performing small everyday rituals and repetitive compulsions and obsessions. I am prompt to depression and I always feel that I don't belong with the rest of the society. What depresses me more is that nobody understands me. Yes, everyone around me cares about me and tries to help me when I need to but they do not really understand how I feel and so I avoid talking about my feelings to anyone. I pretend that I am okay and this suppresses me even more. Sometimes I really daydream of being alone in the world. Nobody around to act normal and no need to hide who I am or pretend to be something else. When I think of that I think of living everything and everyone behind. And even though this idea seems attractive to me, I know though that if I let myself go into that path I will never return back. I will lose myself into my own fake reality. Yes I would feel relief that I don't need to pretend or act normal but if I am not motivated to do it I will stay alone and as soon as I realize that I will suffer.The last couple of weeks have been really tough for me, I am trying to find a job, the opportunities are really narrow and I am spending my time at home. I am lost in my own darkness but I still have hopes. I recently visited a psychologist and I have been officially diagnosed with OCD as well and so he is willing to help me with this condition as well. Visit a psychologist, stay active here so as to avoid feeling alone. It's working for me, give it a try to.

So I read your piece and my first response is that it's good that you are talking about it. Tossing out the feeling is the first step to going after any challenge. Just tell it like it is.  A few of the things you mentioned are in my portfolio. First, the way the meds and the seizures are affecting your academic grades? Been there my friend. In college I watched my GPA take a huge dive. That said, what was helpful, in my case, is that thing I term "perspective." After all, like you, I doubt it's something that really tells about how smart you are. That's a note you need to take. Short term memory is just that--short term memory. It only tells of how fast you might be able to spit out information. Nonetheless, it's not that the information is not there. When I underwent surgery my speech therapist reminded me of things like; "Don't try to recall everything word-for-word." She also encouraged me to take notes. In terms of names, I make sure I inject the person's name a few times in the conversation. That increases the probability of you remembering the name. Grades, in any exam, is something we prefer to be on the upside. That said, a grade doesn't necessarily tell of how smart or how capable you are in terms of being able to be effective. Jobs are based more on performance versus just memory. For example, there are many who walk away with highly effective grades yet aren't necessarily consistent in terms of their performance jobwise. I know grades are things everyone naturally pays close attention to and for very good reasons. But jobs are more than just grades. I majored in journalism so I got in the habit to taking notes versus just relying on memory. Exams are like public speaking. We can get that anxiety because we naturally become focused on how effective we may preform or how well we may sound. I did an interview with a doctor on television about neurosurgery. When the camera went on that was it. I just drew blanks because I became more anxious. After all, I had never done a television interview.The point I am trying to make is that, yes, between the meds and the seizures, they do have effects on us in areas such as memory. And then memory affects performance on an exam. As a result, especially if you have a neurological condition and you are on meds, your goal should be "what strategies might make me less anxious?" Notice I said "less" because it's natural for a touch of anxiety to pop in certain circumstances, like exams. As a result, a therapist may come in handy because they have dealt with individuals who try to balance that. Speak with your neurologist about what specialist deals with individuals who may have anxiety and what strategies might be helpful to balance it. They may suggest medication but I would ask more about strategies. Two things my neurosurgeon instilled in me. "Patience" and "don't guess" when dealing with medical issues. Guessing only takes us places and can make us give ourselves bad ratings. Epilepsy can be challenging. But what makes it most challenging is when we get lost in the fact that we have that diagnosis, making it seem like we have nothing else to offer. No way my friend. You're pretty young so the way you feel will be even more pronounced. After all, our college years is the time in our lives when we feel we have to be invincible. Yep, I have been there. But the real world away from college is something else. It comes down more to how we manage things, be it our family members, friends, job etc. Nothing really goes smoothly on a daily basis for everyone, regardless of whether they have Epilepsy. As a result, when, like us, Epilepsy is in the picture, it comes down to finding a hospital with good ratings in neurology and neurosurgery. It also comes down to being able to exercise a certain amount to indifference to how others may feel. Don't feel like you have to be without friends. Sometimes in life we do have to edit our friendship, especially as we age. It's human to feel like we are missing things. But getting too lost in that area sort of blinds us to the whos and the whats that we do have. Your user name speaks well--ready4change. That something you can use at this time. But it has to start with how you assess things. And, like I said, Epilepsy is misunderstood by many. But that doesn't mean you have to lose yourself in that misunderstanding. Best Regards