Community Forum Archive
The Epilepsy Community Forums are closed, and the information is archived. The content in this section may not be current or apply to all situations. In addition, forum questions and responses include information and content that has been generated by epilepsy community members. This content is not moderated. The information on these pages should not be substituted for medical advice from a healthcare provider. Experiences with epilepsy can vary greatly on an individual basis. Please contact your doctor or medical team if you have any questions about your situation. For more information, learn about epilepsy or visit our resources section.
Epilepsy and Relationships
Tue, 01/18/2005 - 13:32My name is Tiffany, I am 29 years old and have been suffering with CPS for 14 yrs. I consider myself a very strong and capable person and have never been the type to want help from others. It is very frustrating but unfortunately these are the cards I was dealt. I am having a hard time finding a partner that can accept this. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for a little over a year now and his inability to make himself available is becoming a huge issue. I work a full-time job and at one time had him on my, "Emergency List" of contacts. I have since had to take his name off the list. He refuses to ever answer his telephone, even knowing that it could be an emergency situation. He works from home and only minutes from where I work and yet he says he is just too busy to pick up. He takes the issue very lightly. There have been a couple of episodes where my employer couldn't get in touch with him therefore had to send me off via EMS to the hospital. He'd show up hours later saying he "Just got the message...".
I know that he prefers stronger, more independant women and I have prided myself on being both despite my Epilepsy, but I cant be 100% at all times. I do need someone I can rely on, especially when considering marriage! I had thought about getting him a beeper and seeing if perhaps, he becomes more reliable with this method. Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation? Any suggestions??
Comments
RE: Epilepsy and Relationships
Submitted by Elena on Tue, 2004-12-28 - 04:09
RE: Epilepsy and Relationships
Submitted by Learner on Tue, 2004-12-28 - 09:33
Hi Tiffany,
I am a man dating a fine woman with epilepsy. She too is very independant. I find that to be a fine traight. Sometimes, in her drive to be independant, she unintentionally comes across as not needing me so I back off. Then there are times when she openly states that she does need me for some issue that is related to her epilepsy. It's hard to know at times where to step in and where not to step in. If I step in at the wrong time, I'm told that she "needs air" in our relationship.
What I've come to know about epilepsy and the resulting common personality traights of a person with epilepsy has helped me to know how to best relate to my lady. One of those traights that I'm dealing with is when her independance exhibits itself as rigidness. I really don't think she means to do this but it's not unusual for her to convey the attitude that "It will be done my way or no way at all." All relationships require each participant to bend to the other. If either one is too rigid, there will never be the chance of meeting in the middle.
Giving my lady the benefit of the doubt is something I'm trying to be better at. I read many posts here which gives me a better understanding and I talk to her, ask her questions about epilepsy and so forth. I'm guessing, based on my own experience, that your man may simply need a better understanding of epilepsy and the resulting lifestyle that goes with it for you. Remember, you are not an epileptic. You are a woman with epilepsy.
Help him to understand without being pushy or overbearing in the process. He doesn't need a crash course in the subject.
Make it a goal to teach him one thing each week or month and see how he responds. You don't even need to tell him you're about to teach him something. Just do it conversationally and or through a lifestyle example. Make it natural. Make the lesson a part of your interaction. Gently, love him into understanding you. Avoid beating him up verbally into being what you want him to be. Beating a man into the shape you need him to be only brings mental bruises. Loving a man into being what you need him to be will work wonders.
Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he didn't get your message until later, perhaps he really was out earning money in whatever he does - money that ultimately goes into your relationship in some way. If my lady gave me a beeper so she could find me, I'd feel like she was putting me on a leash. Being available to you on a moment's notice as would be required in an emergency is something that your man needs to decide to commit to on his own and make provisions on his own to do such as having a beeper or cell phone.
(Wow! This is so good, I might forward it to my lady! This is what I need from her and I didn't know it till now!)
That's all from me. I hope it helps. Remember that while we all have common traights, we are not all "textbook." Your man may need something different.
Learner
Hi Tiffany,
I am a man dating a fine woman with epilepsy. She too is very independant. I find that to be a fine traight. Sometimes, in her drive to be independant, she unintentionally comes across as not needing me so I back off. Then there are times when she openly states that she does need me for some issue that is related to her epilepsy. It's hard to know at times where to step in and where not to step in. If I step in at the wrong time, I'm told that she "needs air" in our relationship.
What I've come to know about epilepsy and the resulting common personality traights of a person with epilepsy has helped me to know how to best relate to my lady. One of those traights that I'm dealing with is when her independance exhibits itself as rigidness. I really don't think she means to do this but it's not unusual for her to convey the attitude that "It will be done my way or no way at all." All relationships require each participant to bend to the other. If either one is too rigid, there will never be the chance of meeting in the middle.
Giving my lady the benefit of the doubt is something I'm trying to be better at. I read many posts here which gives me a better understanding and I talk to her, ask her questions about epilepsy and so forth. I'm guessing, based on my own experience, that your man may simply need a better understanding of epilepsy and the resulting lifestyle that goes with it for you. Remember, you are not an epileptic. You are a woman with epilepsy.
Help him to understand without being pushy or overbearing in the process. He doesn't need a crash course in the subject.
Make it a goal to teach him one thing each week or month and see how he responds. You don't even need to tell him you're about to teach him something. Just do it conversationally and or through a lifestyle example. Make it natural. Make the lesson a part of your interaction. Gently, love him into understanding you. Avoid beating him up verbally into being what you want him to be. Beating a man into the shape you need him to be only brings mental bruises. Loving a man into being what you need him to be will work wonders.
Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he didn't get your message until later, perhaps he really was out earning money in whatever he does - money that ultimately goes into your relationship in some way. If my lady gave me a beeper so she could find me, I'd feel like she was putting me on a leash. Being available to you on a moment's notice as would be required in an emergency is something that your man needs to decide to commit to on his own and make provisions on his own to do such as having a beeper or cell phone.
(Wow! This is so good, I might forward it to my lady! This is what I need from her and I didn't know it till now!)
That's all from me. I hope it helps. Remember that while we all have common traights, we are not all "textbook." Your man may need something different.
Learner
RE: Epilepsy and Relationships
Submitted by Belinda on Mon, 2004-12-27 - 16:49
Tiffany,I never had any problem in someone dating me when I was single.Actually I had more my share marriage proposals.I'm not able to work because of my seizures.I'm a strong willed person and I've had deal with a lot of ignorant public.My husband also has epilepsy I met him at a support group meeting.He hasn't had aseizure in 33 years though.Belinda