The Resentment Of E.

THAT'S INTERESTING SPIZ. SOUNDS LIKE ME APOLOGIZING FOR BEING VISUALLY IMPAIRED, BEING SICK ETC, WHEN I HAD NO CONTTOL OVER ANY OF IT. I DON'T RESENT MYSELF FOR APOLOGIZING AND BEGGING OVER AND OVER FOR MY KIDS TO UNDERSTAND THE SEIZURES AND THE REST OF IT, I THINK I RESENT THE GUILT I HAVE ALWAYS FELT AND STILL DO IF I DON'T STAY FOCUSED. IT'S HARD TO STAY FOCUSED ALL THE TIME. I GUESS WHAT I FEEL IS THAT I HAVE LOST MY DIGNITY BY BEGGING PEOPLE AND FAMILY TO UNDERSTAND, AND I RESENT THAT. I FEEL LIKE I LOST MY DIGNITY AND MAYBE I RESENT THAT. AND WHAT DID HAPPEN AT MY DAUGHTER'S? WILL I EVER KNOW? NO, CAUSE THEY DON'T SPEAK TO ME. HOW CRUEL.  HOW CAN MY OWN CHILDREN BE SO CRUEL? I AM VERY LONELY TODAY. I GET TIRED OF LOOSING FRIENDS BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH. I THINK I RESENT THEM FOR NOT ACCEPTING ME THE WAY I AM. I HAVE DECIDED THAT IT JUST ISN'T WORTH HAVING FRIENDS WHO DISAPPEAR ALL THE TIME. I GET TIRED OF STARTING MY LIFE OVER ALL THE TIME. I RESENT HAVING TO DO THAT. I AM SICK OF IT. WHY BOTHER HAVING FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHEN THEY BLAME ME FOR THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL? AND HOW CAN THEY BE SO CRUEL AS TO NOT ALLOW ME TO GO TO MY SON'T WEDDING. THAT IS CRUEL. I WILL NEVER CONSIDER HIM MARRIED IF I DON'T SEE IT HAPPPEN. I DON'T RESENT MY ILLNESSES OR THE SEIZURES, I RESENT THE SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO BOTHER KNOWING THE PERSON I AM. ALL THEY CHOOSE TO SEE IF SICK, OR SEIZURES......SEIZURES ARE THE LATEST.....AND I RESENT THEM THINKING THEY ARE THE VICTIM OF WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. I GUESS I HAVE A LOT OF RESENTMENT. MORE THAT I REALIZED. TOMORROW, I WILL PROBABLY FEEL THE SAME WAY, BUT I WILL TRY TO KEEP MY FOCUS ON WHAT CALMS ME AND STABALIZING ME. ALL THIS RESENTMENT IS JUST A COVER UP FOR WHAT I REALLY FEEL....HURT, VERY DEEPLY HURT SO MANY TIMES.    YOU KNOW WHAT I RESENT ABOUT ME........I CAN'T BE ME. I CAN'T SEE TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. I CAN'T PHYSICALLY DO ANYTHING. I RESENT ALL THIS CRAP BEING DUMPED ON ME, LEAVING WITH NOTHING BUT A COMPUTER TO USE ON THE GOOD DAYS....BUT NOT WHEN THE SEIZURES ARE RUNNING RAMPID, THEN I HAVE TO STOP THE ONE THING I CAN DO. IF I EVEN KNEW WHAT A GOOD DAY WAS. I DON'T ANYMORE. I HAVE NO CLUE HOW IT FEELS TO BE NORMAL. AND I HAVEN'T KNOWN FOR HALF OF MY LIFE.  WOW, GUESS I HAVE A LOT OF ANGER TO LET GO OF. I TRY SO HARD TO LET GO OF IT, BUT IT JUST KEEPS POPPING UP. WHEN MY MOTHER WAS GOING THRU CHEMO, THE DOCTOR DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE GAVE HER AN EXTREMELY HIGH DOSE TO INJECT. HIGHER THAN ANY HUMAN SHOULD HAVE.  MY SISTER TOLD ME IT WAS AWFUL AND MOM WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF DEAD. SHE DIDN'T TELL ME UNTIL AFTER MY MOTHER HAD DIED. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER WAS GOING THRU. AND IT WASN'T UNTIL MY SISTER TOLD ME THAT, THAT I UNDERSTOOD WHY MY MOTHER SAID THESE WORDS TO ME: WHEN I WAS SO SICK, NO ONE HELPED ME. I WAS ALWAYS ALONE. I WISHED YOU LIVED HERE. I KNOW YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT ME ALONE. SHE SAID SHE KNEW I WOULD HAVE HELPED HER. I WOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT HER ALONE. HAD I KNOWN, I WOULD HAVE MOVED THERE AND TAKEN CARE OF HER. I WOULD HAVE TAKEN MY KIDS AND PUT THEM IN SCHOOL THERE. BUT NO ONE TOLD ME AND MOM ALWAYS SAID SHE WAS TOO BUSY TO TALK ON THE PHONE WHEN I CALLED. SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO KNOW. I WISH SHE WOULD HAVE. JAN