Nurturing Your Relationships While Grieving

“In Memoriam A. H. H.,” Canto 27, Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809-1892

Ask a parent, spouse, grandparent, friend, or relative about the pain of loss and see if they agree with Lord Tennyson. Without love, the sting of death is gone. Would you trade all that you have experienced with the object of your love, the memories whether few or many, to abolish the pain experienced in grief? Wiping out those memories may take away your pain, but along with the pain are feelings of love that live on and never die.

This is the double side of the coin called grief and love.

This dichotomy is explained well by one of the preeminent researchers in human attachment theory, Collin Murrey Parks. Dr. Parks is also a psychiatrist and author who has devoted much of his career to examining love and grief. He explains how attachment, developed in childhood, can affect the capacity to trust one’s self and others and can influence our adult relationships and responses to bereavement, love, and loss. To learn more about love after loss, read the February 2015 article: "Love Never Dies." 

When a Couple Loses a Child

Many bereaved couples become concerned about their marital relationship after the loss of their child. This is with good reason. Pat Schwiebert, author of “Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss,” states it is a widely held belief that bereaved couples are doomed to divorce and that this belief is overly pessimistic. She believes the opposite: bereavement is an opportunity for growth and the development of strength in a relationship. So where does the belief that marriages suffer after the loss of a child come from?

One of the earliest books on grief and loss is “The Bereaved Parent” by Harriet Schiff, published in 1977. It was the first of its kind, and bereaved parents everywhere found solace in the words of a woman who was also on the grief journey following the death of her 10-year-old son. Schiff was not a mental health professional, but a former reporter, able to articulate the perspective of a bereaved parent. 

In the book's chapter entitled, "Bereavement and Marriage," Schiff writes, "In fact, some studies estimate that as high as 90% of all bereaved couples are in serious marital difficulty within months after the death of their child." Schiff doesn't cite her sources, and subsequent analyses of the bereavement research of that time do not clearly indicate where that opinion might have originated. Yet somehow this relatively innocuous statement about marital strain became a divorce "fact." People began to perpetuate the notion that 90% of all marriages end in divorce following the death of a child.

Energy for Both Grief and Love

The fact is grief and losses are unique and solitary experiences, even if you are grieving the same individual. Husbands and wives grieve differently. We are each affected by our previous experience in life, our families of origin, and ingrained expectations of social behavior (there is a great deal of pressure to conform), our relationship with the one who died, and our own coping strategies. 
Friends and family often unknowingly push for us to return to our former self. This is simply not possible; individuals will continue to have many parts of their former selves yet will be forever changed by their experience.

In an attempt to find a place of solace and comfort, it is not uncommon to retreat into one’s self. Partners find their needs go unmet. Couples often experience opposite emotions on any given day or time. These experiences can lead to a loss of patience and physical intimacy. It’s not that the couples don’t care enough to make the marriage work; they lack the energy it takes to make their relationship work. The love is often still there.

Grieving takes a tremendous amount of energy. It is important to find some time, even though you are grieving, to spend nurturing your relationship. Be realistic about what your partner is capable of giving to a relationship at this time. Be patient, understanding that there will be a time when you will have more energy to give each other. As Pat Schwiebert said, “This is an opportunity for growth.”

Linda Coughlin Brooks is the SUDEP Institute Bereavement Support Facilitator; she contributes regular articles as part of our bereavement support services. You can contact Linda at [email protected]. Watch for future articles and learn more about our support for bereaved.