Navigating New Motherhood With Epilepsy

In 2021, not long after becoming a mom to my first baby, life took an unexpected turn. It started with these strange “spells.” At first, I didn’t know what to call them. There were moments when I felt disconnected, like my body wasn’t fully in sync with my mind. My head felt like TV static. I told myself it was probably exhaustion, dehydration, or the overwhelming adjustment of becoming a new mom. 

Over time, those “spells” became more frequent and intense, affecting my whole body. Something bigger was happening. As they became more frequent and painful, I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I went to the ER multiple times; each visit a blur of tests and uncertainty. Eventually, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. The word itself felt heavy. My “spells” were seizures. I didn’t know what this meant for me or my life moving forward.

At first, I felt like I was failing as a mom. I could sense the concern in the eyes of the people around me, even if they didn’t say it out loud. There was this constant fear of being judged, of people thinking that I wasn’t capable of being a “good mom.” The worry that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my son, that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with motherhood like I thought I should. It was overwhelming and incredibly lonely.

However, as hard as it was, I had to learn that epilepsy didn’t make me a bad mom. It didn’t mean I couldn’t love my son or give him everything he needed. The love I felt for him didn’t change. I was still the same person. Yes, I had this challenge to face, but it didn’t define me or my ability to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.

Looking back, I wish I could hug my past self and tell her, “You’re going to be okay.” I would remind myself that it was okay to feel uncertain, but you will learn to live with it. Yes, there will be tough days ahead. But there would also be days filled with joy, love, and connection. And I would get through it. Now, I’m a mom to two wonderful boys, and my husband and I have built a life together, navigating the ups and downs. He’s my rock, my biggest supporter, and we’ve learned to adapt and grow together. 

Epilepsy doesn’t take away my ability to be a loving, capable mom. I am enough. I always have been. Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay not to have it all figured out. I want to make other mothers, especially new mothers with epilepsy, feel worthy and less alone. If I can make just one feel that way, I will be happy. It’s okay to be imperfect. You can have a family, you can be loved unconditionally, and you can still be a wonderful mom. Don’t feel guilty about that. You’re doing better than you think.