happiness

Happiness has to come from within. Yes, Epilepsy can be humbling. But it can also make you stronger. Suddenly, you cannot take your health for granted. You might say, 'what health'. Suicide is not an option. You might think life really sucks right now, and it probably does. I don't know what you're dealing with. But it can and does get better. You say you have no hobbies. Time to get one, I think. You need to do something that inspires good chemical reactions - good feelings (and no, I don't mean drugs). No one else can make you happy. You have to make small steps every day to try and improve your outlook. (Speaking as a person who has been suicidal as a teen and in her early 20's). Are you creative? Do you write or draw? Can you try and channel some of this emotion into that? Try and make your destructive feeling productive. You think your life sucks. Read about someone else's life that's much worse. Try to pull yourself out of this depression. It will be a battle, but if you want to, you can fight through it.

Some years ago, my fiancée was killed in a car smash and, in the period that followed, I remember vividly the overwhelming sense of inertia that overcame me. The epilepsy/drugs did not help either. One thing I never lost however was my sense of intellectual curiosity and, in retrospect, this turned out to be not only useful of itself, being an extension of what I was doing at the time, but also a very therapeutic distraction and in some ways it kept me going. Nowadays, with the advent of the internet, not only is there so much information easily accessible but you can pursue it without ever leaving the house - if you wish to. As you have obviously discovered, if used intelligently, it can be immensely useful (as a part-time astronomer, I find that 80-90% of the material I am dealing with is ONLY accessible there). Indulge yourself! Another thing, and this is something I believe is often overlooked, try and detach yourself from your epilepsy and not regard yourself as being (an) epileptic. Rather, regard the seizures that cause so much trouble, and the tiredness and suffering that goes with it, as something that happens to you: ‘’it’’ rather than ‘’I/me’’. Not easy when you also have to put up with the side-effects of most of the drugs available which persist 24/7. Still, at least you have a fair idea what causes the tiredness, weight gain, dizziness and all the other horrors – and it is not ‘you’. You will also find it a lot easier ‘explaining’ your condition to other people in terms of the seizures you have, rather than the condition per se, and they will tend to feel easier if you take that approach. That is my experience anyway. Keep your chin up. Chris