happiness

I said I didn’t care much

Submitted by sackofrice on Sun, 2007-10-21 - 00:23

I said I didn’t care much about weed but when I heard my friends speak of it earlier today my heart started pumping like never before. Do I really want to be over weed? I don’t know. I don’t know much. I don’t know what I want to eat or what I want to do. I seem to never have a preference but I always have things I don’t want to do. I don’t want to shoot pool. I want to live alone but I don’t want to earn the status. I want a lot of things. I’m still sick at the moment. Usually my nose is stuffy and when I wake up I have a lot of buggers to pick; I am very grateful. When I close my eyes my mind drifts away and forgets all the sorrow I live with everyday. I’ve been closing my eyes a lot lately. Does it make sense that I forget my sorrow when I close my eyes? Maybe not. I got in a fight with my father today. It was not really because he did something wrong or I did but because I was sad. I was sad I was scared to go outside. Without insurance my life is basically a bill waiting to be billed. I guess there’s a better way to say that. My eyes tear when I think of those thoughts but at the same time I keep coming to those thoughts on my own. Do I want to feel sorry for myself? Do I want to feel sad all the time? Our fight made me mad and my sadness started pouring out. I started yelling at him about not caring about why I am mad but that I am sad to be afraid to go outside. When I started saying those words the tears started pouring out and I told him that it wasn’t because of him that I am sad. I am sad because of my health. I laid on his lap and cried for a few minutes like I was 5 again. Thinking about it makes me want to cry again. Thinking about it makes me want to give up. I told him I wanted to give up and that the job I had last week made me even sadder because it gave me hope. Hope that my life could be normal but the seizure at the restaurant on Sunday just reminded me that I am not. That I can’t do what I want; I can’t live a normal life. I will never be married. I will never have kids. After laying on his lap I told him I’ve been sad for the past few days and that I can’t stop thinking about what I can’t do. I keep thinking about things I wish I could do. I haven’t told him till now because I didn’t want to bring him down with me but I guess I couldn’t hold it in. I told him that nothing is making me happy. There is nothing I want to do. I wish I had a hobby. I wish and I wish some more. I wish I didn’t just cry all day. I wish I could share this with everyone but I don’t want this attention from everyone. I don’t want to bring everyone down with me. What I want is what everyone wants: to be happy. I want to have a cigarette but I am afraid to go outside. Am I willing to go out for a cigarette. I don’t know. I hate that everyone expects me to be normal because I appear normal but there is a lot of hurt in me. I can’t be responsible like everyone else. It is very difficult to have to tell people I am disabled instead of people just seeing it for themselves. Having to discuss it is very painful. It is very embarrassing. It takes away from my confidence. Thinking about whether it will happen at any moment is not something to look forward to. I am still a child in a man’s body. I still feel like a child. I can’t be responsible but I have to try every day. I hate that shit. That was the first time I described it that way. I am forced to try to be responsible when I cannot. But I should try to be an adult because that is what is expected of me from the first impression that I give to everyone else. Having to tell others that I am hurt is just as painful as not being able to do the things a man can do. i was very redundant near the end of this entry but i guess thats the way it goes. this was a copy of today's diary entry. my mother forced me to start writing in a diary in high school because my verbal skills were very rudimentary but now it has become a habit. good luck finding something to pass the time. i guess i did something productive today. i cried like a baby for the first time in a very long time.