I just want to give up

hi baker, i know exactly how you feel, how you are doing fine and then all of a sudden you have epilepsy. i got sick about a year ago,really sick, and never had epilepsy before that, and after that i started having seizures like you are explaining (the blank stare, loss of memory, headaches) about 3-4 times a day afterwards. they have gone to about couple a times a week, btu i sitll have them, and i deal with them. im not going to let epilepsy control my life, it cant just walk in on me and expect me to give into right away, im not gonna crumble. you have to be strong, you have to stand up for yourself and not let something like epilepsy bring you down. of course it sucks that you cannot drive, but there ar worse things. there are people out there with worse epilepsy than you who probably have to be monitered every minute of the day. you can still live on your own, and you can still have a life, and you have to beleive that, i beleive you can do it, becuase i did and millions of other people have. now its your turn.

Welcome, Baker... I, also, am a 51-year old man with a seizure disorder. I have had absence seizures all of my life; and, only in the last 25 years or so had a significant problem. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, lying on the floor, unable to speak, with a strange but familiar taste in your mouth--- and a general confusion about where you are, or what's going on, or why someone chose to turn on all the lights in the house in the middle of the night. That's the way my first grand-mal seizure hit; and, the taste in my mouth was blood, from my bitten tongue, which was swollen too greatly for me to be able to speak. I had never anticipated that something I had had as a child tcould escalate into this type of nightmare; but, it did--- and I am still around to talk about it. It's hard to accept the idea that you are the heir to a malady which, during the years not long after we were born, society at large finally realized was not cause to lock someone away in a mental hospital and send electroshock pulses through. It's emasculating and embarrassing to deal with, I know. Nobody likes to be the center of attention in a crowd, or the one and only apparently "fit" person for a particular job who never makes the cut; and, dealing with the side-effects of the medication can be more disabling than the disorder itself. Feeling a little worthless and depressed is common; and, some of the medication that one doctor had me taking made me lethargic to the point that I totally did not care about anything or anyone--- and I knew that THAT person was not me... It's not you, either... We are the inheritors of a condition that the brightest minds in the world have been unable to ameliorate or correct. We're not like diabetics; we're not suffering from hypertension. We do, however, have something about us due to our experiences with this particular thing that allows us to see things in a far different light than most others--- We've BEEN THERE... We have experienced things that defy description; and, through living with this, we've developed the capacity to be more than sympathetic with those who suffer in some way--- we've developed empathy. We can feel it. We pay a high price for this; but, others need to have that from us, as well as to feel the strength we've developed through picking ourselves back up off the floor and going forward. It's hard to envision that kind of thing being engendered in someone who doesn't face such things on a daily basis. If you ask your real friends what that quality is, they'd probably tell you it's a high form of personal integrity that they see in you; and, that's not something to be thinking about throwing away, especially since it involves their trust. It's difficult to explain it better than that, other than to say that these friends have invested part of themselves in you--- because you've brought something out in them, and they consider you to be valuable to them... Some of the medication you might take could cause you to be worn-out all the time. Some of it can make you feel as though wherever you walk, you walk uphill--- with a pack on your back--- through jello... It's a normal expectation to have the feeling that you're doing things at a really fast pace; and, you'll wonder that things still aren't getting done like you'd expected. When observed, those looking at you might describe you as moving in "slow motion". This is an unavoidable thing that requires a certain tenacity on your part to deal with--- it's fairly normal. The clock may move its hands at a normal rate by your perception, then suddenly the hands have jumped twenty minutes. The next period of time that is perceived by you to be equivalent to the first may take only three minutes. You need to accept this if it occurs, and not bash yourself for not being "like everyone else". You are YOU--- and, if that wasn't a good thing, you wouldn't have made it to this age or have a family. The guy who made it this far didn't do so by knuckling under when hit with some type of adversity--- he stuck it out; and, you need to look into the mirror and see that guy staring back at you, knowing that it really IS you... You gotta know that you're not a wuss because of this. You are the same vital person as before; and now, you've got a new challenge. You gotta go down a particularly uncomfortable path that you would rather not take; but, like a lot of other things you must have already faced in your life, you know this to be something that HAS TO BE DONE--- and YOU gotta be the one to do it. It's not a choice--- it's a fact; and, you will NOT be alone in this. You probably haven't really been aware of it on this wise, but your wife has already been there with you for some time with this. Seems you know how to pick the good ones... Never entertain the thought of leaving her all alone to pick up the pieces because you've checked out... You have a disorder; it doesn't need to have you... You belong to your wife--- not this stuff... Your doctor might not tell you what he thinks you already know about the scheduling of your medicine. If you are in a situation in life that requires that your meals are taken at irregular intervals, and your medication is to be taken "at mealtime", talk to your doctor--- Doubling doses of any central nervous system depressant by taking single doses too close together can be catastrophic. If your medication is taken several times a day, these usually are meant to be taken at regularly-spaced intervals. This keeps the high-low fluctuations at a minimum, reducing the side-effects. This may serve to keep your spirits a little higher than they otherwise might be... I KNOW you've heard it before, but you need to remember: There is SOME REASON that somebody is standing in your shoes; and, there's SOME REASON that that somebody is YOU. Don't blow it now--- You're the only one of you we've got--- and SOMETHING or SOMEBODY has seen to it that you've made it this far. NOBODY and NOTHING can take that away. All you need to do to know it is to look in the mirror at that guy staring back--- He's seen challenges before... Ain't nothin' but a thing. Let me know how you're making out... jb

Oh my, I feel for you and I'm so glad you found this forum to share your thoughts. I am a mom of 2 boys with this disorder, the oldest having it significantly. He is also disabled, has behavioural issues and ADHD. I can appreciate and understand how you are so upset, no one is happy when they find out they have an illness or disorder. You need to find your silver lining in the cloud, that's what I do. I have to be strong, you need to be strong for yourself and your family You have a silver lining in the cloud - You can feel, hear, see, walk, run, feed yourself, you're not in a wheelchair and you are not going to die.....these are the things that I remind myself about (my boys) when they're having a seizure. Your life will go on and you will prosper. Medication can control seizures, which is promising. This is not the end You've been knocked down, but you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself on and tackle this problem head on. It's the only way. I wish you all the best and please don't despair......life is wonderful, you've just been given an obstacle to overcome. Please find someone to speak to about your feelings. Allie