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I just want to give up
Tue, 01/16/2007 - 19:06To anyone who will listen:
Over the past few weeks, my wife described to me “episodesâ€, which she claims I was having. I of course, have no reason to doubt her, but don’t remember them. The first ones were describe as me just standing at the kitchen counter, staring off in the distance with a blank look and not responding to her questions. She stated that these “episodes†would only last for a minute or two.
About two weeks ago, she told me that after I went to bed she heard a loud noise, came upstairs and found me sitting on the floor. I responded to her questions, had the same blank stare and she led me into bed. The next morning I had no memory of the incident.
I must add that during all these events there was no twitching or strange movements of the eyes or other body parts. Just yesterday, I went to see a neurologist for an exam. After completing same, he scheduled me for a CAT scan and started me on Keppra. You know, just in case.
Being 51 years of age and never having had anything like this happen before, I am shocked to think that I may have Epilepsy. While my state does not require the Doctor to report his findings, he has stated that he does not want me to drive. Needless to say, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I don’t know if I can handle the lost of independence, as well as the emasculating feeling of not being able to drive brings.
Any advice before I do what I’ve been contemplating since this arose?
Comments
Re: Re: I just want to give up
Submitted by kellyjd on Mon, 2007-01-22 - 09:59
copabeat-
I know I sent you this message, but I would like to post this as well.
I am so glad to hear that you are doing well. A friend e-mailed me your post this weekend. I read it this morning, and it made me cry. I have questioned my reason for being on this site a lot recently, as there have been a lot of issues happening that have nothing to do with epilepsy. I have felt that sometimes I am too close to some issues and that I am doing myself more harm than good by being here. She has told me often that I need to be here, and by reading your post, you have renewed my faith that there IS a reason to be here. We are all in this together and it is good to see you reaching out to someone else now. By doing so, you have also helped me. Thank you, copabeat for helping me renew my faith. If you ever get a chance to come into chat, I am there most days, I would like to talk with you sometime.
Kelly
Re: Re: Re: I just want to give up
Submitted by copabeat on Sun, 2007-01-28 - 07:23
copabeat
Kelly,
Please don't even think of thanking me, I am in debt to you. I printed that reply you first sent me and pulled it out every time I felt sorry for myself. I did modify it though, at the bottom I wrote " Have a little cheese with that whine" It's good to be back in the game of life and it is just a game. Like RFK & MLK said we are on this earth for to short a time, just a bleep. I once was told if you just help one person in your life than your life has meaning, what happens if you help a hundred? I am not saying I have even came close to that, but you probably have. You can count me in that number. THANKS! Now you are going to make me cry and big boys don't cry, yeah right.
How is Baker doing anyway, as this is about her/him not me and you. If anyone knows please let me know.
Re: I just want to give up
Submitted by copabeat on Sat, 2007-01-20 - 11:23
copabeat My friend, I know exactly how you feel and I felt the exact same way. My first post on these boards was "There Goes my everything" It kind of mirror images your own post. I also had no seizures until 46 and up until that time was the picture of health. (or so I thought) The first few weeks were rough and yes I felt sorry for myself, blamed the world and yes, even the Doctor. Several people wrote to me on these boards and they were all helpful. One "Kelly" gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I got off the couch, took responsibility for my behavior and decided I was going to beat this thing or dye trying. Attitude is everything, even with the proper medications if you go in defeated you will go out the same way. I am on dilantin, I hate it. I exercise my body and my mind and forced myself to improve my short term memory by doing puzzels,suduko and just making a conscious effeort to improve. I have I also been seizure free for 4 months and am confident it will not happen again. I also lost my license for 1 year but despite that have returned to work as a Police Sergeant with more piss & vinegar than I had before. Yes, it is a pain in the butt sometime being w/o a license, but I remember a good friend of mine when I was young, that had epilepsey and killed himself behind the wheel of his own car. This was a guy that had everything going for him, he was a top male model ( not gay either) and had passed a screen test to appear in a top hollywood movie, who knows what he may have become. He refused to take his medications. I know you have dark days and if you need someone to talk to or just to bounce thinks off of, please e-mail me and I will give you my phone number too, you can even call collect. I have been there. Try to remember, it is always darkest before dawn, but the sun will shine. Also remember the birds sing the loudest after a storm. You are not alone, and you have friends you haven't even met yet.