How many of you work and what do you do?

I know how you feel. I have been doing the same thing at work lately. My meds cause forgetfulness and confusion, I have been messing up too and I can't deal with it. I feel like people are questioning my abilities. No one says anything to me though. I haven't said anything to my employer, I have considered changing meds but I am well controlled and do not want to go through that again. I love my job and the people and I feel like I have to make a big decision. I quit my last job because of the stress, I don't want to lose this one. There are days when I come home and just cry. If you come up with anything to help you at work, let me know. I will share with you as well.

I am 32 and have had E since I was about 9. I have spent seven and a half years in college. I have a degree in Liberal Arts (Thomas Aquinas College) and spent last year in Graduate School, but was unable to finish for financial reasons. I would like to be a professor. My E has been getting slowly worse over the past few years. Last year I pushed myself too hard and ended up in the hospital for about four days. Since then I am getting back to normal, but my medicine is higher than ever before (MUCH higher than a few months ago). I am feeling very drugged up right now, but hopefully we will get my medication worked out, and I will feel better eventually. Right now I am living with my parents and sister at home. I have a good job working as a house painter. My boss is great and picks me up at home. I like working for him, but don't want to make it a career. The stress is low, which is good for my seizures, but a little strenuous physically, which aggrivates my E. Overall I am improving. So far I have not had a seizure at work. I have had to take a coulple days off because I knew I was getting too worn out and would have a seizure if I kept at it. Thankfully, having seizures at work has not been a big issue for me. I usually have them at night or in the morning. There have been times in the past when I was not doing well, felt horrible, and was terrified all day long that something would happen. I had some problems with my epilepsy when I was working at a computer all day long, or trying to work 2 or 3 part time jobs. Eventually I got a job working as a restorer of gold leaf picture frames. I did have a seizure one time while I was working there, but my boss also happened to to have E, so he understood perfectly. Working there was good for me. I was suited to the work and things were very low stress. My condition improved while I was there. My boss, unwillingly let me go because buisness was not very good. I went back to school at that time. I have not been able to get another job doing restoration. I am extremely frustrated that I can't seem to make anything work in my life. It seems like I can always suceed to a certain degree, but just can't make it go all the way. I believe that I am talented, but just have a hard time of things. I want to be a scholar, but I am afraid now that I will never be able to finish school (I have memory problems, medicine makes studying hard, I can't seem to get a scholarship, etc.) Until I was in the hospital this spring, I tried to ignore my epilepsy, because there was simply nothing I could do about it. It diddn't matter that my problems may be due to my epilepsy, brain tumor, or my medication, because that is simply the way I am and I can't change it. However, I got some good care at the hospital (Beth Israel - Deaconess, in Boston, MA). I had been without any significant care since I was young. I got some neuropsycological testing done, which confirmed many of my personal observations about my strengths and weaknesses. My doctor told me that I have problems processing information, which made a lot of sense. I also read about the connection between depression and epilepsy, which I have also had problems with. So, I have been thinking that a lot of things just aren't my fault. I have a lot of struggles that other people don't have. (They have struggles that I don't have too.) I know that I need a low stress environment, and know what sorts of things are better or worse for me. Getting the right circumstances is difficult though. I am able to do a lot of things, but have a difficult time getting a good job. My resume is just not that attractive to most employers. Part of this is a result of my personal choices (I studied theology rather than engineering), but my illness has made it difficult to succeed or follow a more normal path. I have tried a lot of things, but am not well established in any of them. There is always someone better qualified. Today I feel hopelessly behind. I feel like I simply cannot keep spending time and money going back to school for this or that in the hope that something will work out eventually. I feel like if I do not go back to school I will not be able to get a job. I also know that I need some things to succeed that healthy people don't, and it seems that my condition makes them harder to get. I am an Orthodox Christian, and know that my troubles are a blessing. I do pray for a good job that is good for my health and will be satisfying. I also pray that I will get better. I never pray more than when I am afraid of having seizures! It is hard to tell when something is your fault, and when something is just beyond your ability. Do I try hard enough to study, or am I so drugged up that it is simply unreasonable to expect? Should I stay home today, or am I just being lazy? I am trying hard to do my best, but am also trying harder to take it easier on myself when I have to. This can be difficult in job related situations, like when you really need a day off, but you are the only employee. Try not to let it get you down that you are not doing as well as you would like, or that people don't understand. My doctors said a few things that really made me feel better. One said that it wasn't my fault that I was always sleeping in until noon when I had a day off, because I really was exhausted and simply couldn't get up. Another said that she was impressed that I had not given up on my studies and have kept at it for so long, because even though I am smart, I have a real uphill battle with it. With the medication it is especially hard to be positive and keep at it because it makes you feel tired, down, and deadbrained. The fact that we do live with seizures and medicine is rough, and sometimes just going to work is an accomplishment (even though it doesn't seem like it, and we don't get a lot of praise for it.)