Community Forum Archive
The Epilepsy Community Forums are closed, and the information is archived. The content in this section may not be current or apply to all situations. In addition, forum questions and responses include information and content that has been generated by epilepsy community members. This content is not moderated. The information on these pages should not be substituted for medical advice from a healthcare provider. Experiences with epilepsy can vary greatly on an individual basis. Please contact your doctor or medical team if you have any questions about your situation. For more information, learn about epilepsy or visit our resources section.
marriage threatened by epilepsy
Mon, 08/07/2006 - 21:54Topic: New to Epilepsy.com
married to man with adult onset epilepsy that began about 18 months ago for no apparent reason--I cannot possibly imagine what he must be going through--he takes a LOT of medication and is under a lot of stress (can't work, no money, son in jail, I had a marital indiscretion, and much more) and frankly, I do not blame him for supplementing his medication cocktail--but I KNOW the alcohol is not a good idea, and I am worried about the pot (altho I hear it is probably ok), and he has a history of addiction (10 years ago) and I fear the direction he seems to be going in and I fear another grand mal and I don't know any more what is best for our 10-year old daughter--my friends are sick of hearing me whine, and I don't think they can really understand. I don't know what to do for my husband anymore. I don't know what to do for my family.
Comments
Re: marriage threatened by epilepsy
Submitted by GodivaGirl on Thu, 2006-08-17 - 20:00
I have been with the same guy for coming up on 5 years. We are not married yet, because he wants his life "totally on track" before we do get married.
In our relationship, I'm the one who's epieptic. He deals with behavior issues and depression. As a result of our family backgrounds - me growing up in a loving family, being called by his mom "a country club girl", him growing up bouncing from house to house after age 14 and never really seeing his mom until just before we met when he was about 25. I have a university education and a decent job, he's just barely finishing grade 12.
There are times where I can see he's cycling, but there's not a lot I can do.
The main thing you can do for your husband & your family is COMMUNICATION.
Your post here says "my friends are sick of hearing me whine".
Well, have you had some form of serious conversation with
A) Your husband to say - wake the hell up, your gradually hitting rock bottom, your not making things any better in fact, you're making things worse - tell me, what can I do, we're a couple. For better, or for worse...well, so, things are a bit worse. Wake up - work with me - let's get through this. Let's find a way.
B) Have you talked to your daughter and explained what's going on with her father, that there are problems there, that there are adult issues, that it's not her, not her fault, nothing she's doing, but he's gotta work through it - you're going to help him & she needs to hang tough.
Have those conversations, then find a kickin' counsellor.
People are right, alchohol with seizure meds is wrong.
Dunno where you're from, but I'm in Ontario, Canada. Pot is contradictory. Perhaps you could tell him not to do it near your daughter, but technically if you have enough seizures - epilepsy qualifies as "Legal Level 2" where you can carry and do pot legally. I just don't qualify because I don't have a tonn of seizures and I have a decent paying job with medical.
Type in Marijuana+Seizures - research it. Give in on something, that's not that horrible. I do still do it once in awhile. My boyfriend does it on occasion, and I think it's how we both get through visiting his mom who drives us nutty!
Hope this sorta helps.
EC
Re: Re: marriage threatened by epilepsy
Submitted by gretchen1 on Fri, 2006-08-18 - 10:56
Know what? You have the problems identified already with him, but what about you? I think what you're asking is what can I do, or should do. Are you feeling helpless, hopeless? Quit worrying about help for him. That doesn't work until he wants it and when he does? He'll find it. Meanwhile I'd like to concentrate on your feelings. That's the issue isn't it?
I have been married twice, both to alcoholics. My second husband has been dry 16 years since last July but sometimes, often, he acts drunk, or I should say drunken behaviors called a "dry drunk", because he still has that drunk personality. He didn't do what he should have - gotten help. My responsibility to me? Take care of myself. In my case it doesn't mean leaving him. There are more good things than bad. I've worked it out, what's best and safest for me, he doesn't fight it. I believe when people are acting out poorly, they know it no matter how much they deny it. Heck, I'd deny it maybe too.
I go to Al Anon. Their program fits me well, answers my questions and puts me in the hot seat where I can't dodge and make excuses. is problem isn't just epilepsy. I know I have it and I don't use. Sometimes I'd sure like a "vacation" though. I'm sure there are other groups, ways to support you, I don't know where or what they are but Al Anon is everywhere.
Take care of you. Sure he's got a problem but right now my husband has very serious heart disease and he doesn't do what he should either. I figured my responsibility was to mention it once, give him the alternatives to these behaviors I could think of, then drop it. I'm telling him nothinig new. All you're doing, maybeand I'll bet, is starting a new problem - fighting. YOU need help to see what is. So did I and I got it. You're worth it. Co-dependency to me means worrying more about someone else's problems then your own because it's less painful. Maybe that's not you. I fight it in myself all of the time.Take care of you first and always. No person should put you through this agony including me, an epileptic. Nor do I want to put people through agony but sometimes I'm sure it appears that way. That's called self pity.
Gretchen
_________________________________________________________________________
I've found if I walk through my fears? I find courage on the other side. It's that first step that is hard but each concessive one becomes easier as I reach my goal -- Gretchen
Re: marriage threatened by epilepsy
Submitted by sylvialeigh on Tue, 2006-08-08 - 21:11
I'm not in exactly the same boat, but I have lived through a husband with a medical issue that he wouldn't get help for. The best thing I can tell you is it is wonderful that you care for your husband and your family, and that you want to help them, but really the best you can do for your husband and your family is to take care of yourself. They need you to be functional. And you can't be functional when you let them run you down by making you pick up the pieces for their self-neglect. Children need you to take care of them, and to take care of them you need to be well. Your husband is acting like a child, and without boundaries set by you he will continue. If you let him know that he cannot abuse you in this way, maybe he'll come around and start taking care of himself. It is ok for you to say "I can't live this way. I won't live this way" and tell him he must start taking care of himself. He may say "or else what?" Or else your marriage will suffer irreparable damage. He must see where he is taking you. He's driving your marriage into a ditch. If he loves you, he will show it. You are a good person, you are strong, and you can manage your life. I can tell that by reading your note. You can get help. Maybe counseling would help. But please, take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and your daughter. Best wishes!