Need Help Understanding Boyfriend with E

Re: UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank

Submitted by gretchen1 on Tue, 2006-05-23 - 17:48

Hello - I have E as does two of my young adult children. I know now I had it mildly all of my life but it got bad enough to diagnose when I was well into my adult years. My son was diagnosed in infancy. My daughter was diagnosed a year ago. I've observed in our family and other's posts some things that seem universal. I firmly believe in relationships where one person has epilepsy it usually effects to some degree, in some way, the other persons or people in the relationships with the epileptic. That might bring on some ire from some, but I've read too many posts talking about relationship difficulties plus I've lived them too. My husband and I have had a heck of a time thrashing this out with our loss of income since I can now no longer work, my wild mood swings, periodic anger at having this and ramifications to my life but we weren't handling all of this together. I knew but I wasn't giving it full weight how much this effected his life too and it is a lot. My feeling was, it is ME who has this. If YOU feel bad, my husband, how dare you! I'M the one who has it! Poor suffering me. Finally we got into good couple's counseling. I really thought all of our problems were HIS fault. I was shocked to see the complicity I held in our problems. Right now what I'm thinking of is that I excused myself way too much for example, a sudden mood swing that he didn't know how to handle, so he'd try to ignore it, which made me more reactive. It was HIS fault he didn't understand poor me. No, I have been wrong and I'm embarassed really to even post that. No one with any syndrome or disease has any right to victimize another because of it. It's not only not fair to the person being victimized but it in my case at least, victimized myself, acting that way. I couldn't see it until we got professional help. I've read, my epileptologist who treats all of us has told me, that from the mid teens and into the early 20's, can be the hardest emotional years to have epilepsy. I sure saw this in my son who had been diagnosed since an infant. His sz's stopped, he got off of AEDs when he was 19 and then they came back 6 years later. It's like his sweet caring responsible self turned into another person. He was driving and sz'ing. He wasn't taking his AEDs always. His emails to me were so cold they sounded like business letters. But one thing I started noticing was he always made darn sure I knew all these things he was doing wrong. So I did the mother thing and started nagging him, which then made him furious at me. I was seeing a psychologist at that time, discussed this with him, wringing my hands and he said that people of any age can get themselves into an emotional bind with so much anger, grieving, depression or whatever that they need attention, caring but all of us can and usually at some time do, seek attention from others by either negative or positive behaviors. Since negative behaviors usually get faster results, often people will attract attention by acting negatively and then finding something quick to blame it on and often it's their victim or in epilepsy's case, often it's that or any illness, take your pick. With my son I then bowed out. I refused to listen to how he skipped his AEDs and had a sz, or he HAD to drive and so forth. I did contact a male friend of mine with epilepsy to write to him and whatever their conversations have been, he's straightened him out, probably is a better listener and less a lecturer than I had been and now my son several years later knocked off all this BS he was hurtling around but really hurting himself as much if not more than others. He stopped getting my attention no matter how much he craved any attention because he was scared and hurting but expressing it in all the wrong ways. My daughter who got diagnosed last year did get controled fairly rapidly but has been having obvious break through simple partials. She makes darn sure she tells me about them in vivid detail but when I suggest she's having break through simple partials and should at least contact our epileptologist she BLOWS UP and accuses me of diagnosing her and other stinky things. But then she makes darn sure those who care aobut her the most, keep on hearing about her probably simple partials. Sure I'm worried as heck but I also can't change her. I can't take her anger away which right now is very destructive in her life. Once all of us decided as a group we were no longer going to be her victims? She switched therapists and is now seeing someone who is apparently a tough cookie and is making her see, she's furious she has epilepsy, her anger is understandable, she's also fearful which is also understandable but she's got to deal with it wisely, not spread it all over others like thick frosting. I DO understand her frustrations and angers. She's had relationship and job problems from this. She'd just bought her first car and now even she feels she shouldn't drive it and for a person her age who has alienated almost everyone from her life right now? Sure, her life is hard but she's made it hard for herself and she is just right now going through the process of dealing with that, hopefully amending it. No one with any syndrome or disease has a right to use it as an excuse for stinky behaviors. I'd wonder if the guy you were involved with would be a cheater even if he didn't have epilepsy but is using that as an excuse. Epilepsy doesn't carry with it as a symptom lying and infidelity. I also tend to want to be a "fixer". Fix everyone up, have everyone's answers but I don't tend to see my own problems and can get very defensive if someone tries to fix me which is called co-dependent. Co-dependent meaning it's less painful for me to concentrate on someone else's problems rather than painfully attend to my own. That's something I'm working very hard on right now. You seem to have a lot more maturity than me in that department even though I'm far older than you. You've realized the score. You're not going to be victimized. You came to the right place to ask, why is he doing this, then however found out what he's doing and you're not going to let this man victimize you then hang it on - I've got epilepsy. As an epileptic I find that even insulting. I am not only an epileptic I also have my own unique personality as we all do with positives and negatives. I DO want good relationships but I have to remember when I'm having mood swings, don't feel well and need attention or whatever, there's a wrong way and a right way to deal with those around me, and it's my responsibility to them and to me to do it right, responsibly. I applaud you and frankly? I don't think this man deserves you. I'd find a guy who does but then I'm not worried you will. I'm impressed you didn't fall for this "poor epileptic me" crap. That kind of attitude he has also to me reflects poorly on those of us who do have epilepsy and are trying hard to be responsible and productive people. And saying that it's crap to me BTW? That's all he's pulling. Anyone can find excuses for any behaviors no matter their health status. It can be harder to be a standup person, maybe he hasn't gotten that message, maybe too many others have bought into his excuses of "poor epileptic me"too often and he expects it, doesn't even know the difference but that is not your problem and I doubt if you can "fix" him. Good for you for your maturity and insights as well as caring about you first. Gretchen