A 50MPH Bus I want off.

I do not know anyone else who has seizures in my day to day life, so I have come here to find other people to talk too. I do not really know how to start talking about all these very difficult feelings. I dont like talking about my harsh feelings because it makes me feel like I am acting like a victim to seizures, but the truth is, I feel like a hostage. That is really the best way to describe it. I keep looking for ways to negotiate away my seizures and I cant. I think I have just not come to accept the fact they are here to stay and have changed my life. I can not drive. I lost my last good job because I could not drive. It left me almost homeless, luckily I was able to make ends meet by taking odd jobs from home doing graphic art while I felt well enough to work. I have do not have drop seizures, so I am thankful for that ( i know many of you do, and god bless you for dealing with that). I have had three drop seizures in the past, but none recently. I am 35, about to be 36. I am loosing my independence and my ability to work, I do not know how to cope with this. It is difficult for me. How do you deal with this feeling of being a hostage to your body? I just don't know what to do. Normally I do not complain. I do not ask for help, or seek out advise from strangers, but tonight I am really at a loss. I am confused and lost so often (literally), my seizures are changing and progressing and the effects last for hours or days after to the point it is very very difficult to function. My neuro wants me to get a lawyer and try to get on disability again. I am ashamed to be on disability, which is stupid, because when someone else is on disability I see no shame on it. What is wrong with me? How can we accept help. No one can lead a horse to water. I know this. This time I am the horse. I see the water and I wont drink. I dont know what to do. Im scared and I feel alone and no one I know understands. I go to work and "wake up" wandering the streets holding my computer bag not knowing how I got there. My brain flips though random memories and sticks me right there, sight, sounds, smells, tastes like I am time traveling in the middle of doing something. I loose the ability to speak, or read and write. This last time I could not speak for almost 45 minutes and my feet kept cycling like a paddle boat and I felt like I was going to pee. I teach art classes and just want to keep doing a great job, the owner and other instructors rely on my for guidance in providing direction for the art school, but now I cant think straight and things are falling totally apart. I am scared. No one has to reply. I guess I am not looking for answers. I am simply venting. Im lost. digitally sobbing, if you will. Thanks for your time. Hope if your reading this, your bus is slow and steady, easy to get on and off.