I'm breaking down.. Say something.. Anything

I was diagnosed with Grandmal(clonic tonic epilepsy) Seizures at age 8, it was a very stressful time for me. I'm in my early 20's now, I've never had an aura before my seizures. My parents are assholes that got me into debt and physically hurt me. They pretend to be Pious & Religious, but they truly are terrible people. I pride myself on being a emotionally and physically durable person. Hell I haven't cried since I was 8; since then I've only been close to tears twice, at my baby sisters funeral, and about 30 minutes ago. I am breaking and I am concerned I wont be able to hide it anymore. I had a life plan, I want to become a Radiologist, I am currently studying to get into the competitive radiology program at my college. I've been told I look as hard as steel. But my reality is closing in on me, I had such high hopes, such admirable goals, the sky was my limit.. now the limit is my God damn body, I've had two seizures in the last 6 weeks and it takes me almost a week to recover from each. I hate my life, I feel defective, I know I am. My body has several visible scars that despite finally starting to fade, children still stare and point them out. I never tell anyone about my Epilepsy; no one has ever been given that privilege, until tonight I've always handled my pain alone, never speaking of it. About a year and a half ago I had found real love, someone actually loved me for more than what they thought was a strong body. 4 months ago I broke up with her, I had never told her about my Epilepsy, I had lied to her about it for 14 months and decided to break up rather than own up to such a terrible lie. After all, who would want to commit their life to someone with Epilepsy, it'd be a hell of a lot of work. I fear rejection so much because of thoughts like this. I cant drive. I don't want to risk having kids despite how much I love them. But now for the first time I wanted to tell someone, I've been trying to get a hold of her and she's been ignoring me. I haven't been spamming her or anything close. But the fact she wont answer me is stressing me out beyond comprehension, I already couldn't sleep well because of my meds, but now I haven't got a chance in hell of getting a good nights rest. I don't have a great future in store for me, my Epilepsy put me in ICU for 4 days 2 years ago and the doctors couldn't stop the seizures. I am expecting my Epilepsy to kill me one of these days. My first thought in the morning is did I have a seizure? And my last thought at night, am I going to wake up tomorrow? I feel anxiety every day. I want there to be at least one girl that loves me despite all this, that will choose me for me. And I want it to be her. I'm not expecting a second chance, frankly I don't give them, not sure I'd allow myself to have one. But I need to tell her the truth, I took away her choice to accept me by not telling her.. I don't think I will be able to get her back, but if there is a chance of me moving on I need to tell her. I hate myself so much, I'd do anything to be strong, even when I don't have to or it will end up hurting me later. I'm extremely aware of my mortality, I fear death, so I joke about it a lot. But right now my focus is clearing my conscious, so if I die soon I won't have gone without telling her the truth. Despite my distaste for the World and all the judgemental people who live there I could never consider suicide, but every now and then I hope death finds me sooner than later. Tell me some of you understand this? I'm ready to be done, I'm not able to deal with these emotions, I want them gone. This is no way to live. God really doesn't have a good sense of humor, does he?