I can't believe I'm typing this out because to everyone I've ever spoken to looks at me like i'm crackers.
My name is Anna, I'm 27 years old. I have a loving family, great group of friends, have no past traumatic experiences, no head injuries. I am a very sensitive girl.
This all sort of kicked off when I was 22, I started feeling very anxious about situations, I'd get terribly worked up and stressed about it. A lot down to sistuations I was in at the tiem. I was in my 2nd year at Uni, wasn't doing so well, was homesick and had awful living situations with the people I was living with causing me nothing but hassle and worry. I soon started having these episodes. Now, I cant pin down when exactly it started but I know it carried on. I'd go into a daze, a rush of fear would sweep over me and a feeling like nothing ever before and then this hideous feeling of de javu would come on me. I couldn't speak properly, if in conversation whatever someone was saying would feel like i'd heard it before, or if watching TV I'd heard it before. I couldn't even get the words out to say " give me a moment" whether that was sheer embarrassment of this thing I was experiencing I couldnt understand I'm not sure. If I did speak (i.e. to my boyfriend who knows) he'd tell me after I'd made no sense. Then poof it was over in seconds, but what I was thinking? Not a clue... but each time I had an episode it was all so familiar. I'd sometimes dream about them, thus causing the feeling in my sleep.
Now, i've always been a deep thinker (my worst arch enemy), and I do have the best memory ever, but the fact I couldn't remember this de javu I kept experiencing bothered me. I wouldn't let it drop so kept trying to remember, and then i'd have more. I was stressed and anxcious about it, and about having another one...which in turn caused another. I went to the doctors who tried to throw pills at me saying I was depressed, but even though I felt low for the fact I couldnt epxlain what was happening, I certainly didnt think I was depressed. I was sent to councelling sessions who tried to dig deep in my past and find out what I was holding back. Making me over anyalize old situatuions wondering if they triggered all this, and the de javu was something I wanted to remember but couldnt. It was crap because Ive got no demons in my closet! Others said it was anxiety attacks... So I just manned up and dealt. I looked at anxiety free diets. I cut out caffiene, I hardly drink, I try to eat fresh and organic foods. And when I get the surge that I might get one I change my activity or distract myself. However, there are the big ones when I cant. I was doing a half marathon on Sunday and at about mile 9, in the heat ( i had drank lots...maybe not enough?) the feeling came over me. I had no way to distract myself because it was me alone running a race! I tried to keep running and hope it would brush over me... but it didnt. De Javu. However, i've learnt to get myself out of them by saying everything is okay and it goes. i cant even tell you what I thought of other than it was that same feeling. I taste odd tastes, I think a smell too? I swallow alot and suddenly get very hot in the face and sweaty (could of been more about the running this time)
It leaves me feeling upset with myself for days after. Not because of the experience but the fact I cant control them and that no one understands, me included. My family are supportive but I think they're getting bored of hearing about it. I'm so worried about pushing my boyfriend away with this as well, we've been together 4 years now and I dont wnat to be that mental girl hes with.
I dont know if this is any help but I was a late developer, I didnt start my periods until I was about 18/19 and then wouldn't have them regular at all... i'd go 6 months, 3 months, 5 weeks etc. Only a few months ago after tests have I been told that I have PCOS. Even though I have PCOS I had tests but my hormonal balance came back fine?! (still dont understand how that works!)I've read this could be linked with simple partial seizures. Which, I guess does make sense because I didnt start periods until later then once i'd got into a pattern these episodes happened. I have just started taking the Pill, which has leveled periods out but ive had more episodes since being on it than not. I have taken the pill in the past and the one before made it worse.
I'm not sure but I'm feeling really alone with it all.
I dont think I help myself sometimes though, because I'm constantly worried about having one which makes me so tense and nervous about experiencing it again.... which could egg one on.
Is this a simple partial seizure or is it just anxiety?
Any advice would be great. I've booked a doctors visit next week.