Sharing an experience and Asking a Question (Lamotrigine)

Just call me Chin. I'm 19. Got diagnosed with Absence Seizure when I was 14. Kept switching meds because it didn't seem to work with me til we went with Lamotrigine. I've experienced all the common side effects that's been mentioned regarding the medicine (Lamictal) but I seem to be more compliant when I'm on it. Like I just go "Okay" And I'm gonna get to it right away. No feelings of irritation or annoyance. Nothing. Like I don't seem capable of thinking about it and just automatically do it. No questions asked. Feels like I'm floating inside my body. Like it's not even mine and I'm just taking a ride while the body automatically do something. I felt like all my emotions were suppressed. Like I know they're there. Like if there was a monitor inside my head I'd be reading what emotions I should have been feeling at the moment but no exactly feeling or processing it. Like it's just within reach but it's behind a clear glass. You can see it. But can't touch it so you don't actually experience it. Other times, I feel so elated for some reason. Like I just have this crazy amount of energy inside me and it makes me feel so restless and giddy to the point while I smile for no reason and just start giggling. It feels like I NEED to be doing something but what is it? What do I want to do? I ended up cleaning our house like really cleaning it without being told to do. Then paced through out the house and when that too didn't feel like it's doing anything, I grabbed the biggest crayon and just start drawing swirls on the walls til I used all the crayon up. But even all that didn't tire me out. It feels like I spent none of my energy. Then I felt the urge to dance and twirl and that I did. Then I walked around the house I don't know how many times til I was called back inside. I, am not a proactive person. I'm the type to laze around and read or even just sleep off the day if I can. And that was a really big change for me. I was even extremely polite and seem to become a sudden extrovert. Greeting and complementing everyone I see. And for once I didn't talk back to my mother. There was no quarrel, Like I had infinite patience. When I'm in this funk with the medicine. Nothing seems to piss me off. I kept hugging and kissing my siblings. I was surprised that it was even possible for me to become this kind of person. There are also times when I can't seem to get up. Like I can't seem to control my body and I don't really feel much of it. Like it made me wonder if my hands are still there and try to get it to move just to be sure. I can get it to lift up but even then it feels like I'm carrying something big and heavy and not part of me and it just flops around. Useless after the short burst of movement. My legs and arms felt like jello. And If I try to stand up right and straight I'll suddenly start swaying like I'm drunk. Other times I can remain where I'm standing but a slight 'wind' disturbance can make me sway like a bamboo. And a playful punch or push can make me stumble and almost fall down. I felt so tired but I really can't sleep. Like I really want to but it just feels so impossible to do. And I involuntarily cry. Like I'm not sad or upset or thinking anything of the like to make me feel it. I could just be reading or playing something and I'll be surprised by sudden warmth trickling down my cheeks. And if you ask me then if I was okay? My body just decide to full on sob like it just decided to go with what you said and gives this sudden powerful burst of hurt and pain in there til I myself am convinced that yes, I am. I wasn't before but I am now that you asked and I don't even know why. Like there was no reason or trigger at all for this to happen. After all that's happened to me in the past( I was raped when I was in second grade when I was on my way to school), I never felt suicidal or even thought of it. I was repulsed by the idea. I might be lazy and sensitive by nature but I was an optimist and after taking this medicine, I felt like all the positivity in me has been drained and the things I built in myself and all the mantra that I recite internally has been flushed down the drain. Years of storing it and it's just gone and there's nothing to grab onto anymore and I just fall the down the pit of overwhelming emotions. It's not like I couldn't feel sadness before. It's a natural emotion. It's always gonna be there. But when I took this medicine that initial sadness I felt has been double to the point where I deem it ridiculous. Like I could just be scolded for forgetting to do something (typical mother scolding style which we all have grown used to when in the presence of our mother. I used to find my mother's ranting amusing because she says the same thing over and over again til I can recite it by heart) and I'd lash out and feel all the 'edginess' intensify over that one little thing. That one little rant that was probably halfheartedly said and held no venom in it's tone. I'd scoff at myself for my reaction after I've calmed down and realize that was just... more than a little bit over the top. It was a ridiculous reaction and one that could only be expected from a spoiled and ungrateful child. I've had my fair share of 'attempts' which obviously didn't work because "Hello! I'm still alive! :D What's everyone up to?" I don't know if I should be ashamed or what I should be feeling right now but I used this medicine in my attempts. I read online that it can kill you. I think a nurse told me that 1000mg is dangerous. So I overdosed myself. I had a whole box of it and had a lot of packets filled with 10 or was it 12 pills of a 100mg lamictal left (I can't recall exactly how many was in one packet. It's been a few months since I've stopped taking it and since I started taking this med it's been hard remembering things). More than 1000mg in all. I downed it all and it tasted absolutely foul and I felt like puking it all out. And I the idea to take more of something else just in case. I saw like 3 or was it 4 packets of multivitamins (XD) and downed that one too. I figured maybe if the lamictal fails maybe I can burn through or injure the walls lining my stomach with the amount of pills I'm taking at once or maybe bust my liver or something. Maybe I can die from that idk. I was just desperate to go. Then I crawled back to bed. 'Crawled' because it kicked in pretty quickly. I don't even think a full minute passed before I started to feel really weak, dizzy, unfocused and really uncoordinated. I thought that was really it. I really was gonna die. But I was numb with the meds to actually fully process the grief or relief that I should be feeling at that moment. I think it actually took awhile for me to drift off but only for me to wake up to puke and shit. I don't even know how long I was actually asleep. But yeah it didn't work. I don't know if I'm just really lucky or the thing I read was false and that it just makes you feel numb and shitty at the same time. but I just have one question now. With what I did... is there lasting mental effect? because after attempting a like three more times I noticed that my hearing and sense of smell has decreased. Is that related to it or is it just all in my head?