My story

I feel massively depressed today, so I thought maybe just trying to type out something I don’t understand, to people who may, might help. My first ‘episode’ was in 2007, I worked for an insurance company and I’d got back from lunch and all of a sudden I had no clue where I was or what I was doing, people told me I just kept walking around the office and ignored them. Looking back at it, this was a very stressful period in my life. I had anxiety/depression (diagnosed in 1999) which, ultimately, saw me lose my job in 2003 and my house (which I still haven’t got over) I moved in with my grandmother, who was diagnosed with dementia and things could get difficult. Where I worked was sales oriented, so there was a lot of pressure and I had a Mother with chronic depression & an alcoholic boyfriend, who could only turn to me for any problem. I think ultimately, all of that combined possibly ‘triggered’ episodes I met with my mother in a restaurant and she saw my eyes roll into the back of my head and I fell backwards off the chair. Round a friends house I had a seizure, she witnessed me shaking & eyes rolled back into my head, all I remember is a lot of vomiting and a lot more shame Incidents like this were very rare, at the time I’d say maybe three a year? Fast forward to today and I’d say I’m on a few a week, starts off as this horrendous wave a feeling of dread/anguish in my stomach that then spreads up through my body, giving me deja vu symptoms, nausea, don’t know where I am or who anyone is. Sometimes the wave from stomach, doesn’t completely engulf me & I can ‘escape’ it, with just slight confusion, nausea. The other week I had about 8 of these in one days and I’m sorry to say I was left feeling very suicidal, care I’ve been given through doctors on that front has been great, I’m pleased to say 2 days ago I had a bad one while eating food (it’s happened a few times while eating, possibly a trigger) since then it’s left me very depressed as everything is disjointed and nothing in the world seems or feels the same, my own home seems foreign to me and there’s a massive feeling of emotion in me and I don’t know why I’m scared to leave the house, in my confusion I’ve been hit by a car, as I couldn’t tell which were parked and which were moving, it was going VERY slowly, so sounds more dramatic than it is. I’ve fallen in the street, fallen down stairs and I’m just at the point at 38 years old where I’m scared to leave my own front door Since my first seizure, I’m very much alone, my grandmother, mother & alcoholic boyfriend have all since passed away. Thankfully, my father, stepmother & some close friends have been there for me and continue to keep me going Specialist believes it’s temporal lobe epilepsy and after looking into that, I agree. They did an EEG which came back fine, but as I live on my own capturing these episodes aren’t easy Well that’s me bored everyone to death, I try to just take it day by day, so it doesn’t set the depression etc off, but sometimes it’s too overpowering and it all just gets to me I’m hoping this horrible disjointed/uncomfortable feeling will soon pass and I can feel a bit more relaxed