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Tired

Mon, 01/16/2017 - 21:07
I guess I still count as a youth since I'm two months shy of my eighteenth birthday, but I'll also post this in Teen Zone later. Anyways. I guess I was twelve when my life turned to shit. I had a stable place where I knew I belonged: in the band room and on the soccer field, and if not there, then in the swimming pool or near a good book. Then I had my first seizure-in a swimming pool. A couple of years and a few seizures later, I was suffering from muscle jerks that made it hard to do physical activity, so I just quit soccer. The jerks continued to get worse. By the time I started my senior year( last August) I was struggling to write, and I could barely walk down the stairs. I had to stand on the sidelines for our marching band show and watch the rest of my friends bond out on the field while I just walked circles around the ten yard line because every time I tried to march, I fell. It just felt like everything had been taken from me. And now-all of my friends are tired of hearing me talk about my problems. They want to be there for me, I know, but what can they say other than 'I'm sorry' or ''that really sucks'? What can you say to someone whose watched their entire life vision get sucked away from them? I wanted to keep playing soccer, and some mornings I miss it so much it hurts. I was planning on being section leader this year, but I couldn't march. I wanted to be the senior that understood who she was and where she was going. Not the insecure epileptic who sat on the sidelines. I've gained five pounds and I don't know how to lose it. My doctor prescribed me clonazepam recently, just on a trial basis to see if it might make a difference. He was optimistic that it would help my muscle jerks. I tried it today. The thing is...I don't know if it helped or not. I don't remember what it's like to not live with my issues. I think it made a difference, but if it did, then why am I still so afraid to run down the stairs? Why do I still catch myself stopping after just a brief sprint in the backyard? I'm tired of this. Please, someone tell me that it'll get better.

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