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My Life With Epilepsy or Should I Say No Life?

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Hello Everyone,

I am still mourning the death of the old Ecstatic Seizures Forum. I really miss hearing from the people whom I came to consider friends. I would love to hear from you here.

I would also love to hear from the new people I am meeting on the other fora on which I started posting. I look forward to the conversation.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help! Please read my blog. Thanks.

hello zealot ,dont worry your not alone in this site i have read your post before and i answered it i also loved what you said about how your mind and body are tired and how you  look ok but infact you dont  i liked that coz that how i really feel i also disagreed with you when you said that winter reminded you of death i remember i told you then that winter made me feel alive and it brings me back all the good memories,i am exactley like you when ever i feel that i need some one to under stand  what im going through i come running to this site ,i post questions but not even one answer, i send comments ,i try to be helpful though iam so desprate i keep asking my self for  how long could i be hanging on? ,and will my epilepsy let me live untill i raise my children and see them grow ?,some times i feel so scared of sudden death that happen to some epileptic people ,some times i miss being active and healthy , some times i struggle with my self to live and to be alive ,i pray to GOD every day to give me the power  to keep on fighting and keep on living.thank you so much for reading ,and i will keep commenting on your post when ever i could

Marry,

Thank you so much. I remember your posts from the other forum. It's pretty scary to be in this epilepsy thing alone.

Being a parent is difficult, but rewarding. Hashem has blessed you with a family. I pray that He will allow you see your children have families of their own.

There is much to love about the winter and much to loathe. I don't have a favorite season. I love the light, but I hate the heat.

I do a lot of praying too. It's the only thing that gets me through.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na. Without Him, there is nothing.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.S. Please click here to read the latest post from the zeelot.

Hi Zealot,

I haven't gone anywhere; I just can't seem to do the online communication at the moment.  Self obsessive parasitic thought loops are driving me to distraction and all my energy is taken up in survival, work and family - trying to hold things together.  I do read your posts when I can.  Will try and rejoin the conversation at some point.

Victoria

Victoria,

I'm thrilled to hear from you. I was worried because at last writing you weren't feeling well. Life can be quite overwhelming. I pray that it gets easier for you.

Those thought loops are dangerous. I've learned to tell myself: Stop! to make them go away. It's important because I think these "obsessive" loops are actually seizures and will spread if allowed to continue unchecked. Sometimes I can get it to stop and sometimes...

I find that keeping myself busy and occupied is the best way to avoid this. Work and family should do the trick although that combo can be overwhelming. Just don't get down on yourself, please. You hold yourself to unreasonably high standards.

I wish I had a life to keep me busy. I've made one online with the blog and posting here, but I really need an actual life, not just a virtual one.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hi Everyone,

I guess this forum is gonna be like my blog. People read it, but almost no one comments.

Thanks for your interest.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help! Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.S. My latest post!

Hi Everyone,

This is just a quick comment to let you all know I put up a new blog post. They are a lot of work. I spend most of my time working on the blog. Way too much time.

I want you to know how much I appreciate the fact that some of you read it. It is about my life and a whole lot more.

I would love it if you would leave comments on my blog. There is a big white box at the bottom after all the weird stuff at the end of the post. If you are in the blog, just click on the post title and that will bring you to the post so you can comment.

Tadzio has commented and, in fact, he is now an author. Bedge also dropped me a line on one of the posts with one of her videos in it. Please join them.

I look forward to seeing you all there.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.S. Please click this to read my latest post!

Hi, Everyone,

Thanks for reading. even if they all say "latest."

That's because each post was the latest at the time the comment was posted. That's how current events become history.

If you don't want to comment on the blog, you can leave me comments after the post on this forum. I would appreciate your feedback.

It's kind of hard barking into the either not knowing if anyone is listening.

Thanks to those who do.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. This is still my latest post, but is the same as the previous comment because I have't put up a new one. I've been having a bunch of seizures and I'm not feeling too well.

Hi Zealot,

After the stats of job interviews, I went to the doctor for evidence. No real help, just tons of technicalities. I was close enough to UCSC and SJSU that I could continue using their libraries, until stopping driving limited me to UCSC and the local law libraries with all my lawsuits.

Moving to Northern California to get by on disability better didn't help much, as now much lower housing expenses, but more extreme weather, poor public transport, and little other public resources. Least I could still get through two or more books a week before my hematoma stopped me in the middle of the Briggs' translation of "War & Peace" (still in the middle of it for 4 years now), and my reading has really slowed in everything.

The internet seems to shorten a continuous reading to a few pages at most; fairly easy to find info on most everything, but nearly impossible to maintain a long chain of thought as in reading a novel.

The seasons this year in Northern California have been abnormal, and this fall season seems to be dragging most everything and everyone down. I can blame my epilepsy for feeling semi-conscious most of the time now, with increasing physical weakness after the slightest activity, but many people are having the same experiences and feelings, with winter fast approaching to top off the dismal economy and "make-believe cheerful" tea parties turning everything into plunders of morale in subsistence.

The painting of Balaam reminds me that I'm always going to assemble at least a 10,000 piece puzzle as something never to fully complete (for "The Twilight Zone" effect as a backup). A then fairly infrequent tonic-clonic 18 years ago messed up the Springbok 2,000 piece puzzle of Flying Hot Air Balloons just as I was down to the last few dozen pieces (I succeeded with the Springbok 2,000 piece Alpine Hamlet 20 years ago without messing it up).

Lots of Love,

Tadzio

Tadzio,

That's quite a painting, isn't it. I found it in an interesting Google image search. I love to type in crazy queries and see what they find.

You'll get a kick out of my latest post. I don't think Google or TypePad will like it very much, though.

Aside: To the rest of you who find this reply confusing please read the blog. Tadzio is referring to the now penultimate post.

It really sucks losing what we used to have. I, too, am having increasing difficulties concentrating. I find real print easier to read than the internet, but I cannot read newspapers because I am allergic to the ink.

It seems that the run-around is par for the course. No one wants to commit to anything unless it's committing a patient to inpatient or outpatient or what I call impatient mistreatment. Everyone wants money, power, authority, etc., but no one wants the responsibilities that come with them.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

I am a jigsaw fan as well. I think that Jersey Shore University Hospital must have a problem with them. They have a zillion of them for patients to do, but when I was in my room doing one, they came in and shot me up with Chlorpromazine, which is part of the reason I am having such a problem now. That brand new dent in the middle of my forehead thing. I wonder if I had a subdural hematoma. It could explain why I started to tank so quickly.

Maybe that's why they have them. They love to drug patients. There logic is since you are in a psych hospital we have to drug you. Never mind the fact that I should not have been in a psych hospital and never mind the fact that it is a fallacious argument. Or should I say phallusious. (The pun is from phallusy. The "u" is a schwa like the "a" in fallacy.)

I'm just getting silly now. I'm half brain dead from seizures and lack of sleep. I go to court with the Taffy Motel Absecon City New Jersy Dump folks in Atlantic City on 19 November. It better be in the morning because I don't want to have to travel on Shabbos. It's gonna cost me $40 in cab rides to get there and back.

I thought I would come to New Jersey for the same reason you moved to Northern California. It was a big mistake. I am so broke because of having to live this hand to mouth existence. I am hemorrhaging money.

Verizon Wireless account reps lied to me when I tried to get connectivity for my netbook and told me I didn't have a data line. I pay $70 a month for it and could have tethered to it. I couldn't access my online account, which is how they got away with it. So I was forced to add another line and my last phone bill was almost $280 dollars.

I though I was adding about $60 or $70 to my $150 bill which would have put it at $210 to $220. Maybe it's because it's the first month and they get you with the pro rata. Still, I can't afford the extra $60. I'm going to have to suspend my MediGap for awhile.

I think I'm going to start using a different editor for my posts like I used to. The Rich Text editor isn't working anymore for me. Maybe that's because I bagged IE for Chrome. IE sucks. Maybe I'll check out FireFox, but Chrome is pretty nice. I like Mozilla better than Google though. Google are gonna kill me now.

Sorry for the disconnected hyergraphic ramblings. I had a whole bunch of seizures in the past two or three days, some I only knew about because I woke up with sore muscles from thrashing. I've been more careful and haven't gotten any new osteomas on my head. I kind of use the covers as a "mummy" sleeping bag. It seems to work.

Thanks for writing. Your category and your blog post got some hits. I saved the ones I could find in the last typelist on my about page. I don't know if you'll be able to find them because there are hundreds and if you don't know what the search was you won't find it.

If you can see the stats, you'll be able to find the page hit with the referral info. It's only online for 24 hours.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Tadzio,

One of your comments to the blog ended up in the spam folder. I just published it and replied. You can read it on the blog.

It is a good comment. I stopped posting on the marijunana forum. I'm sick and tired of half a dozen notifications for every one of the little birdie's comments. Tweet! Tweet!

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Lots of Love,

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hello Everyone,

I just put up a brand new post. Thanks for your interest. I tried to make it easier to leave a comment.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hi Everyone,
I just put up another post!  It's about my late father.  I hope you read it. 
Oh, I finally got a comment on a blog post from someone I didn't already know!  I want to thank you very much.  I replied to you on the blog.
Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hi Everyone,

I just put up a quick post. I know, it's Shabbos. I'm taking it pretty easy. This was mostly done yesterday, I just dotted the "eyes" and crossed the "tees" or maybe I just crossed my eyes and got my wires crossed. Whatever.

It's kind of a joke. My inbox is getting fuller than my spam folder from all of the subscription updates from the Mary Jane Myth Forum. So I decided to give it my own take.

Please take a look at it and click on the "via: google.com" link. I think it's funny.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate getting your comments on my blog. I tried to make it easier by putting a link in each post to click. I look forward to hearing from more of you there.

It takes a bit of doing, but it seems to work. Maybe the folks at TypePad will figure out what I'm doing and make it an automatic feature. That would be a good thing, but I'm not about to ask for it.

They did finally get back to me about my tickets. That's a good thing. I'll see how it goes.

I also put up a new post. It's not much, it's about searching for me. It's kind of a metaphor.

The link is at the end of this comment.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. I know the comments all say my latest post. Except for the replies, they're all different posts. That's because I add a new comment every time I post a new blog entry. So please, feel free to click them all and read them. You can also just go to the blog.

P.P.P.P.S. I really appreciate your interest. It's really nice to know that people read it. It's a lot of work and it's tough putting it out there and not knowing if people are reading it and what they think of it.

Hey Everyone,

I just put up a big, long, post. It was a lot of work. It may not look like much, but I had to tweak the html by hand to get those pictures to link to the articles. That is a royal pain in the you-know-what.

I pray that you read it. The words and the searches tell one story. The pictures and what they link to tell another. And the metaphors tell other stories. There's lots and lots there.

I want to thank those of you who have been leaving me comments. It makes me really happy. It gets really lonely sometimes and the comments really help. I really need human contact and can't wait to get my life back so I can get more of it.

I hope you enjoy the post. The link is at the end of this comment.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hey Everyone,

I just put up a big, long, post. It was a lot of work. It may not look like much, but I had to tweak the html by hand to get those pictures to link to the articles. That is a royal pain in the you-know-what.

I pray that you read it. The words and the searches tell one story. The pictures and what they link to tell another. And the metaphors tell other stories. There's lots and lots there.

I want to thank those of you who have been leaving me comments. It makes me really happy. It gets really lonely sometimes and the comments really help. I really need human contact and can't wait to get my life back so I can get more of it.

I hope you enjoy the post. The link is at the end of this comment.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hi Everyone,

There are a bunch of new comments on my latest post. I'm not feeling very well today because I had a bunch of bad seizures last night. I'm so sore and weak I can hardly stand up.

I have to try to find a place to live. I don't know how because the places that say they're six hundred a month are really six hundred a week when you make a serious enquiry. It's really bad. If I end up on the street, I'll be dead. I'm half way there any way.

Click here to read the comments. Thanks for your interest.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hello Everyone,

I just put up a new post. It's huge so it may take awhile to load. Please be patient.

It's a very serious post. It's about the exploitation of people unable to take care of themselves or not allowed to take care of themselves. In other words, it's about people like us.

The pictures are links. The picture of Tennessee Ernie Ford is a link to the chorus to 16 Tons as sung by him. It's a pretty cool post.

There are also embedded pdf files of some important stuff. You don't have to read them, but there's some really interesting stuff if you have the time or the inclination. Even the picture above my signature is a link. Click, click, click, please.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate your interest. I'm trying to do something important and I can't do it without your help.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hi Everyone.

Thank you for reading my blog. I just put up a new post. It's not nearly as elaborate as the last one, but I'm not feeling very well. I would really appreciate it if you read it. It makes me really happy when I see that people are reading the blog.

The post is about looking for a life. That's all I want. I want my life back.

The link to the post is at the end of this comment. I would appreciate comments from any of you. On this forum would be nice and on my blog would be even nicer. Thanks.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

Hello Everyone,

I don't have a new post. I'm too sick to write one. I had seizures most of last night and I'm having one right now. My hands are shaking and I can hardly type. I had to stop for awhile. It's a little better now.

Phylis and Bruce. I'm sorry that you feel hurt or insulted by what I have said. I do not mean to hurt people's feelings. I am more than a little emotional about this subject as I have been so severely harmed by people with good and bad intentions alike.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I remember that every time I reach out to try to help someone. One has to be very careful not to cause harm.

I am very protective of the people on this site. Most of us are extremely vulnerable and there are many who would and do exploit us. I go around flagging spam comments on this site and then I get the damn gotcha when I try to put up links to my blog posts, which are not spam.

And why are the emedicine WebMd links spammed? That site has good info. Better than WIKI and the cause du jour sites.

I am just sick and tired of people who pretend to help and don't even bother to carefully read what someone wrote. I'm sick and tired of people who act like they know everything and don't admit when they're wrong.

I don't know everything and I admit when I make mistakes. Especially since all the seizures I sometimes mix things up or get them backwards in some weird dyslectic kind of way only it's not dyslexia because it doesn't have to do with words. I have dicalculia too. That's dyslexia but with numbers instead of letters. And I have the same trouble with dates and time.

Weird brain damage neuro stuff. Thank G-d for spell checkers.

I called the New Jersey Division of Civil Rights and I actually got a sympathetic response. An investigator will call me! I don't have to deal with complaint forms! Halleluja!

I'll have to wait until next week. I may be out on the street, but I'll still have my phone. Modern technology. Gotta love it.

I'm all numb, tingly, and pins and needly, even inside my mouth and my tongue. It's really uncomfortable. My vision is all blurred and I'm seeing double. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I'm writing this to you guys here first because there are so many of you whom I have come to consider friends. I really care about my peers on this site and that is why I keep coming back. The give and take is really valuable.

I may not like the people who run this site, but that doesn't mean that I don't like these fora. I hate the censor trap and I don't like the way I've been treated by epi-help. There's a lot more to that story than any of you know.

I'm starting to have another seizure so I'm goin to wrap up this post. Thank G-d I can touch type because I can hardly see the screen or the keyboard.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

I feel your pain. I was diagnosed 2 years ago and now it has cost me my job because the seizures are not responding to well to medication. On top of it all last month my wife of 14 years tells me that she has had an affair and asks for a divorce and leaves me for the other man. I have had very bad thoughts during this time but I can tell you that there has to be a silver lining for all of us. God well not place any more burdens on us then what he knows we can bear. If you want add me to your email list my email address is p59emt@gmail.com and I would be happy to write to you. We all have our struggles but with help we can overcome them. I am going to miss my wife but God does have something planned for me and I am sure that as soon as the pain subsides I will see that. I will find someone that accepts the fact that my condition is not going away and can handle the seizures and understand that they maybe scared while the seizure is taking place but I am the one that has to deal with it during and after.

 God Bless You.

Neil

Neil,

Thank you so much for your empathy.

I am very sorry that your life has gone so badly. It is very difficult. I get the "bad thoughts" too, but I would never act on them.

I, too, believe that He does not give us more than we can carry. I also know that when it is my time, it is my time. It may be that my death has more meaning than my life. I won't know that in this one.

That said, I'm not ready to leave this life yet. Plan A didn't work, Plan B didn't work, I'm not sure which letter of the alphabet I'm up to, but I don't think I've run out of letters yet.

You really shouldn't expose your email address in a comment like this. If you want to contact me, use the "contact this user" feature in my profile. That will send me an email.

I pray that your dream of an understanding wife becomes a reality. I pray that your doctors find a way to get your seizures under control and that you are well enough to work again.

We will both find a way.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Neil,

Thank you so much for your empathy.

I am very sorry that your life has gone so badly. It is very difficult. I get the "bad thoughts" too, but I would never act on them.

I, too, believe that He does not give us more than we can carry. I also know that when it is my time, it is my time. It may be that my death has more meaning than my life. I won't know that in this one.

That said, I'm not ready to leave this life yet. Plan A didn't work, Plan B didn't work, I'm not sure which letter of the alphabet I'm up to, but I don't think I've run out of letters yet.

You really shouldn't expose your email address in a comment like this. If you want to contact me, use the "contact this user" feature in my profile. That will send me an email.

I pray that your dream of an understanding wife becomes a reality. I pray that your doctors find a way to get your seizures under control and that you are well enough to work again.

We will both find a way.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hello Everyone,

I'm not feeling well enough to put up a new post and I'm getting spam slammed for trying to put up the link to my latest. I think that is a disgrace as I am not a spammer. They can train the spam filter to accept anything with the domain http://psychout.typepad.com/, but they seem disinclined to do so.

I don't know why. They grab the search rankings for whatever I post here. I get traffic from users here, but I'm losing my search engine hits because of it. I got more traffic from the search engine hits, but I really want my friends on this site to read my blog.

Thank you all for your kindness and support.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my not latest post.

Hello Everyone,

I'm not feeling well enough to put up a new post and I'm getting spam slammed for trying to put up the link to my latest. I think that is a disgrace as I am not a spammer. They can train the spam filter to accept anything with the domain http://psychout.typepad.com/, but they seem disinclined to do so.

I don't know why. They grab the search rankings for whatever I post here. I get traffic from users here, but I'm losing my search engine hits because of it. I got more traffic from the search engine hits, but I really want my friends on this site to read my blog.

Thank you all for your kindness and support.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my not latest post.

Hi Zealot,

I tried posting this on your blog entry, but Chrome plug-ins keep jamming on me:
http://psychout.typepad.com/blog/2010/11/epilepsy-carpe-diem-the-jewish-...

I stumbled across a couple of interesting articles regarding subjects in recent forum postings at epilepsy-dot-com. They're both in "The Caravan" magazine.

One says:

"Led by the improbably Promethean John Galt, Rand's heavily idealised clerisy of industrialists, financiers and scientists simply remove themselves to a mountain retreat and refuse to put their talents (or their money) at the disposal of the common herd. The result is that America grinds to a halt as the limits of ordinary people's competence rapidly become apparent. No other book has ever communicated love for the rich and contempt for the poor as vehemently as this."

from: http://www.caravanmagazine.in/Story.aspx?StoryId=574

Who was it that shut down the coal mines with the UK National Coal Board? Time to rewrite recent history again. The Promethean John Galt probably needs another Trillion Dollar Bailout, courtesy of the oppressive "common herd". "Rawhide" has plans for the herd, planned as the Cowboy Capitalist Tea Party grows to the profitable limit with the devil quoting scripture.

The other one is about "wild medical claims" critics and libel laws:

http://www.caravanmagazine.in/Story.aspx?StoryId=566

I hope you do OK with the administrative judicial address process before the taffy is condemned even for due process subsistence.

My clusters are comining on strong every few hours, so I hope I'm making some sense in my attempted sentence typing in a Keppra cloud.

Lots of Love,

Tadzio

Tadzio,

Thanks. I published the comment. It did make it through.

I also posted a reply. I had trouble posting it because I got an error message. I figured out a workaround.

I saved the comment text. I then entered a stub comment and saved it. Then I edited the comment and was able to post it that way. I don't know if I have the energy to report the problem to TypePad support.

I see that you got the link to the post in. I wonder if I can get the link to the comments through:

Tadzio's comment on my post and My reply to Tadzio.

YES!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

It makes me really happy to get comments in this forum and in the blog. I want to thank everyone who reads and everyone who has commented. There have been several.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Lots of Love,

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my not latest post. It's about the Taffy Motel Absecon City Dump in which I am currently living. I go to court tomorrow. They're trying to throw me out in the street.

The place is a filthy, moldy, sickening, code-violation hell of a Welfare Motel Dump. I put up a review on Yahoo! Travel and TripAdvisor. The Yahoo! review is published. I don't know about TripAdvisor. Last I checked, they hadn't published the comment. We'll see if they're legit or shills.

Well if you wish to talk to me, you cn add me to yahoo at pangea83. Just be sure to leave a note letting me know who you are or I'll delete you otherwise. If you want another epilepsy site to go to where you can relate to others, here they are: http://www.epilepsybrainstorms.org/chat.html The chat is every Wednesday and Saturday from 7-10pm est. http://www.efa.org/ is another and is more widely known. :)

Heather,

Thanks. I don't do much chat and I'm not sure how it works. If I can figure it out, I'll give it a whirl.

I really appreciate that you took the trouble to reach out to me. I am very isolated and alone and it's a huge help to know that people care.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Thank you for fixing the spam trap. I pray it stays that way.

A. Ballard                 I understand what your talking about but our friends & family members don't.

Alize,

Thank you. It's terrible that our friends and families don't understand us. I don't know whether it's because they are unable, unwilling, or some combination of the two.

People fear what they do not understand.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi Everyone,

I just put up a new post, but I got "Slam, spam, no thank you, ma'm"ed. The Censorship on this site is unbelievable. It seems that we are not allowed to link to urls containing the word suicide.

They even censor our fora like that one where the desperate poster asked "should I just kill myself?" We need to talk about what we need to talk about and suicide is a risk with the meds. So why can't we give links to helpful information about it?

My post isn't even about suicide. I just put that there for the search engines to pick up. It carries weight on certain searches.

So, I can't give you the link to my latest post. And it isn't the featured post. That means if you go to the blog, you'll have to read past the first humunga-lunga post. I'm pretty upset about this.

Every time I think they've fixed the spam trap, they haven't. When are they going to white list my domain? I am not a spammer. If I put the url name in the post without the http:// I'll be buried in the search rankings because this site will gobble me up.

I feel like I can't win. The people who run this site are a bunch of money-grubbers. Google the board of directors of this site and you'll see.

I'm tired and upset and I have to be in Court tomorrow morning. I've been seizing all day and I feel like caca and now I can't even give you the link to my latest post. These people really suck. They ride our words to top search rankings and they censor us. These are supposed to be our fora, not theirs. WTF?

I want to be able to post the links to my posts on this blog. It is easier to load one entry than to load the whole blog, which is huge. If I tailor my url names to the dubious standard of this site, I'll really disappear from the search engines.

Why can't we link to WebMd anyway? Did someone get in a fight with them? Or are they the competition?

This is the United States of America. The Censor is abhorrent. It goes against everything we in this country stand for. You pretend to advocate for us and you censor us.

I know why you won't allow the link to the Harborview Horror. Don't think I didn't Google it. I haven't figured out why you won't allow links to WebMd, but I'll figure that one out, too.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. This is my latest post. It's not about suicide. It's about looking for help and not getting it because of greedy people like the ones who run this site. They want to control everything and every one. You'll have to copy and paste the ul name and they'll really grab my search rankings not. They really suck. If I didn't like you all so hmuch, I'd be long gone from this site. Thank you for caring.

psychout.typepad.com/blog/2010/11/new-york-state-office-of-mental-health-police-jail-forensic-regulations-suicide-prevenstion-omh-safety-google-search-epilepsy.html

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi Everyone,

I just put up a new post, but I got "Slam, spam, no thank you, ma'm"ed. The Censorship on this site is unbelievable. It seems that we are not allowed to link to urls containing the word suicide.

They even censor our fora like that one where the desperate poster asked "should I just kill myself?" We need to talk about what we need to talk about and suicide is a risk with the meds. So why can't we give links to helpful information about it?

My post isn't even about suicide. I just put that there for the search engines to pick up. It carries weight on certain searches.

So, I can't give you the link to my latest post. And it isn't the featured post. That means if you go to the blog, you'll have to read past the first humunga-lunga post. I'm pretty upset about this.

Every time I think they've fixed the spam trap, they haven't. When are they going to white list my domain? I am not a spammer. If I put the url name in the post without the http:// I'll be buried in the search rankings because this site will gobble me up.

I feel like I can't win. The people who run this site are a bunch of money-grubbers. Google the board of directors of this site and you'll see.

I'm tired and upset and I have to be in Court tomorrow morning. I've been seizing all day and I feel like caca and now I can't even give you the link to my latest post. These people really suck. They ride our words to top search rankings and they censor us. These are supposed to be our fora, not theirs. WTF?

I want to be able to post the links to my posts on this blog. It is easier to load one entry than to load the whole blog, which is huge. If I tailor my url names to the dubious standard of this site, I'll really disappear from the search engines.

Why can't we link to WebMd anyway? Did someone get in a fight with them? Or are they the competition?

This is the United States of America. The Censor is abhorrent. It goes against everything we in this country stand for. You pretend to advocate for us and you censor us.

I know why you won't allow the link to the Harborview Horror. Don't think I didn't Google it. I haven't figured out why you won't allow links to WebMd, but I'll figure that one out, too.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. This is my latest post. It's not about suicide. It's about looking for help and not getting it because of greedy people like the ones who run this site. They want to control everything and every one. You'll have to copy and paste the ul name and they'll really grab my search rankings not. They really suck. If I didn't like you all so hmuch, I'd be long gone from this site. Thank you for caring.

psychout.typepad.com/blog/2010/11/new-york-state-office-of-mental-health-police-jail-forensic-regulations-suicide-prevenstion-omh-safety-google-search-epilepsy.html

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hello Everyone,

I went to court this morning. I have bad, but not unexpected news. I have two weeks to vacate the Taffy Motel Absecon City Dump. New Jersey is not like New York.

The Taffy Motel Absecon City Dump folks lied in court about how much the rent was. If I hadn't been seizing all night and intermittently in the court room this morning, I might have been able to negotiate some agreement, but I think it's probably better this way. I have to get out of here before I get too sick to leave.

The toilet isn't flushing, the b*tch who "cleans" the place stole my manicure set and some of my art supplies, the 20 amp circuit is still off, and in New Jersey, or Atlantic County at least, the landlord is always right. I didn't have to go to court to find that out.

I could tell that by looking at the housing codes. It's OK to violate them as along as it doesn't create a "hazardous" condition. Huh? Why do they have codes if it's OK to break them or if they are not necessary to ensure safety? Am I stupid? Or maybe just brain damaged from too many seizures.

Monday I'm going to Pleasantville to check out a place the Absecon Police suggested I try. I can pray. Please say a prayer for me. The more prayers, the more power.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hello Everyone,

Just a quick Gogolian update. I checked out the place the police suggested online. I was already there this morning. I am not eligible for help because I get SSDI. You have to be on Welfare or get SSI to get help.

So I checked out the HRA or what they call Housing Authority here applications. They require a mailing address. So I can't get housing because I'm homless. Huh. Go figure.

I sure as hell can't. Figure it out I mean. Oh well.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na. It's Shabbos and I'm writing. I wanted to draw, but the markers I wanted were purloined. Oh well. You're not suppposed to create, period. But if I don't keep occupied, my brain will fry itself.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hello Everyone,

I just published a new post. Please read it. Thanks.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hello Everyone,

I wish I had good news, but I don't. Well, I'm still alive. I guess that's good news.

I put up a new post. The link is down at the end. I don't know if you'll think that's good news or not.

I hope you read it. Thanks to all of you who do. I'd love it if you left me a comment, here or, especially, on the blog.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi there. Keep the faith.

Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see.

 

Chrissy,

Thank you so much. It's like they say. It's always darkest before the dawn.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi Everyone,

I'm not feeling very well. I've been having a lot of seizures so I'm exhausted and kind of down. I'm trying to figure out what to do because what I've been doing isn't working.

I'm making phone call after phone call to social service angency after social service agency. Nothing. Nada. Nichts.

So I put up a quick post in hopes of regaining some of the lost search rankings for my blog. I got killed in the New York State Office of Mental Health rankings. My Police post used to be page one on their police searches and now it's desaparecido. Oh well.

So I put up this one. I don't think I have it quite right yet, but I think I'm getting closer.

I hope you like it. There's not too much about me, but there are some cool pictures. Thanks for reading.

I love when I get comments. I'm even more thrilled when someone actually leaves one on the blog. Being stuck alone in the Taffy Motel Absecon City dump is pretty miserable. I've no one to talk to.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hello Everyone,

I've had a tough couple of days. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a seizure in the waiting room. I really needed to talk to her, but I couldn't argue with her that I did need to go to the ER. It was pretty bad, but it could have been worse. I'm a little too traumatised to write about it yet.

Long story short, I'm on Diazepam 5mgs Q8 hours on top of my Levetiracetam 500mg Q6 hours. My alarm goes off five times a day for me to take my meds. The only time I take all my meds at the same time is 06:00. I take my Levothyroxine then too.

I hate benzos. They make me feel week and crappy and emotionally disinhibited. I need that like a hole in the head. I'm crying like a baby because I am spending Thanks Giving alone because my sister refuses to speak to me. Her husband said "We're afraid of you."

I asked him why. Well, you're combative, but you've never been that way with us. Huh? Am I missing something here? I've never been combative with them and, yet, they're afraid of me because I'm combative? How do they know I'm combative if I've never been combative with them? That stinks of shrink speak to me. I wonder where it came from. Who violated my HIPAA non rights, or is that lefts, now.

I really need to put up another post, but they're a lot of work and I'm really feeling pretty sick. If the seizures weren't worse than the Valium, I'd flush the Valium down the toilet. I hate it and I'm gonna pay big time when I have to stop taking it, which I will and soon. I don't think I've had more seizures, but I'm kind of too sick to tell.

I keep praying for answers. I keep praying for help. I'm getting search hits on the blog from people googling my name and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The blog is the blog and I am I and people don't seem to understand that they are different. I need help. The blog doesn't.

Maybe I should put this in a post and feature it. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't want to suffer any more like this. It is just too painful.

Oh, and Epi-help. The piece de resistance of this wonderful day is getting spam scrammed for trying to post the link to my still latest post. That really isn't nice. I am not a spammer. In fact, I don' know what you guys do to police this site because I just flagged some pretty serious violations of site policy. That's your job, not mine.

Your job is to protect us, not to censor us. My blog is not inappropriate content. Just because the file name has insurance or employment or suicide in the file name to get picked up by the search engines doesn't give you the right to spam it. Besides. Spam is spam and offensive content is offensive content. I am a known user. I do not post spam. White list my domain and any subdirectories and get any of my files off the spam list. It's just disgusting.

Sorry for the rant. It's terrible being sick and homeless and voiceless and being deprived of one of the few opportunities I can make myself heard. Please pray for me. I need all the help I can get.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. My latest post is now being spam scrammed. What the h*ll is the matter with you people? You grab all the search rankings anyway. You put the top ten ranked fora all over the site so you can use our words to grab search rankings. Don't think I don't check up on the Google searches to see your tricks. You also publish our fora like blogs. You use us to bolster your search rankings and you won't even let me link to my blog posts so my friends here can read my words without being censored by you.

EPILEPSY DOT COM ARE THE THOUGHT POLICE!!!! YOU STINK!!!!

P.P.P.S. My featured post is now being spam scrammed. These people really suck.

Hi Everyone,

I'm having a tough time. I spent all day yesterday crying because my sister and her husband have a house full of guests for Thanks Giving and refused to invite me. Someone told them I am "combative" although admittedly I have never been so with them.

Another violation of my HIPAA non rights or lefts by Josh Shapiro of Jewish Family Service. He sabotaged my relationship with my family and my last remaining life line. I spend Wednesday afternoon in the ER with seizures and am having an allergic reaction to the Valium. It's the day after Thanks Giving and how the hell am I going to find a doctor?

I put out a new post. It has no pictures. I'm just too sick and too miserable. I hope you are all ejoying your holiday.

And now the mofo-ing censor that they call a spam filter won't let me insert the links to my latest posts. What the hell is wrong with you peopl? Why don't you get a life? I am not a spammer and my blog is not spam. I just flagged a user for inserting flashing blinking animations that the censor let through and I can't link to my blog posts. WTF?

When my brain starts working I plan to write a letter to the board of directors of this site complaining about the censor. Perhaps they are unaware of the negligence and incompetentce of admin, webmaster, and epi-help. They are supposed to protect us and they don't. I flag spam. I flag the animations. I shouldn't have to. And I shouldn't be censored.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi Zealot,

I can't tell if my comment posted at http://psychout.typepad.com/blog/2010/11/www_omy_state_ny_us_new_york_of...
, so I'll post here too.

I've been down with a severe migraine the last few days. Trying to read a few website postings at times is about all I've accomplished.

My Keppra refill was made without any problems at the drugstore, and the pharmacist's staff displayed friendliness. The five mile walk in cold weather was the biggest challenge this time, and as I was recovering back home, my migraines decided to return with a vengeance.The statistical history of my migraines points more to just coincidence than anything else, so while that will protect me from unwanted opportunistic rattlesnakes, it also provides an excuse for all the would-be wonderful Mother Teresas' to look the other way.

The social workers there in New Jersey sound the case. In High School, my Vice-Principal utilized much the same Machiavellian strategy with my first complaints that my teacher raped me. It is as if he knowingly aggravated discord in my family, while evading any hint of the truth at issue. He didn't try to protect much else than the School's image, and I was left with the only recourse of avoiding my teacher whenever there might not be other remaining protecting witnesses between us. Epilepsy undermined the official rattlesnake's strategy though, with my teacher succumbing to his temptation again, at the opportunity of my seizure in class, but then with an otherwise disoccupied classroom full of witnesses available to be confronted, and a sudden exponential growth of gossip to the event, though the official record remains pristine, subject to Catch-22.

Here in California, with expensive impairments and near poverty, the official strategy game seems to be, firstly, Medicare versus Medicaid. The magic Medicaid flip-flop age of 55 years, removing the future estate from protection of medical creditors' and the State's carnivorous appetites for any meat left on estate bones, often makes Medicaid more attractive than Medicare, which instills fear in family members more worried about their own future pickings. "Spend-Down" requirements for Medicare to the dreaded magic of Medicaid, does little more than increase expenses and technical accounting hassles for medical care with expensive impairments while being near poverty. The Arnold even made a short unsuccessful attempt to revitalize the old common-laws of even any distant relatives bearing the expense of mandated social and medical care at any age, though Medicaid recovery after-55 taking precedence over Deeds of Joint Tenancy and all such legal ilk, and realms of inheritances and all transfer rights, still stands.

With the threat of the Medicaid beast, my direct family wants me to plead with Uncle Godbucks, while Uncle Godbucks curses socialized anything (except when it gives his own luxury means of actualization), and he doesn't want to taint my Medicaid with his money, I can't resist the urge to stick pins in his Ayn Rand philosophy at any opportunity, though the threat of myself writing his Gospel is more and more imminent with the threat of the reaper. (Poor Uncle Godbucks, the rest of the family members offer at best an artless brown nose biography. Maybe Morris is available for Reaganesque cash payment, to invent better, and Rand's "objectivism" affirming (what a travesty of the word "objective"), characters in my uncle's official stenchless "truth" biography).

Each state has its own set of bizarre Medicare becoming Medicaid becoming an estate lien, set of rules, subject to Federal requirements/guidelines, and many complex state court cases involving distant financial issues. So far, the individual person still has the choice of which state to attempt residency in, but carrying out such right is being affronted by rich technicalities, including ID, and again, address of residence, and mailing addresses.

With my seizures stopping an/or causing arrhythmia, cardiac and respiratory arrest with diazepam for bouts of clusters most like status epilepticus, has discouraged me from trying any benzodiazepines (along with their addictive potential). I sometimes wondered about Dilantin adding to arrhythmia problems too. Just a few more days, and the sunsets will start getting later again!!!

Lots of Love,

Tadzio

Tadzio,

I replied to your comment on my blog.

My reply is here.

The benzos are making me non compis mentis. It's a bit better than dead. I have to survive the year.

I need to figure out how to change my part D do no pay for meds insurance so a least I don't have to pay %50 a month to have them do not pay for my meds. How am I supposed to do that without a mailing address? They mail all the info to you!

I wish I were dead, but I'm too tired to do anything about it. No, you stupid screeners, that doesn't mean I'm suicidal. I have no plan. I have no ideation. I just wish it would all go away because the physical pain is excruiciating.

Diazepam has corn starch and I'm allergic to it, but without it I can't sleep through the night. The Lorazepam does caca and I have to take it 1mg Q4 hours; otherwise, it's worse than nothing at all. Nothing at all was intolerable because I was losing count of how many seizures I had in one eight hour period. The whole thing is intolerable.

I can't keep this up for much longer. If I go silent, will someone please send in the troops? I do not want to die in vain. If I am to die soon, I pray that my death will help make things better for others like me.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi Zealot,

I'm still here, my internet connection keeps crashing, and then
the spam filters quit working or go down, and refuse everything. I
hope things are improving or looking better despite so much wrong.

Lots of Love,

Tadzio

Tadzio,

I'm having connectivity and spam crap problems too. I just lost a post to someone because of it. I'm pretty upset.

I'm glad you're OK. I get worried when I don't hear from you.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Lots of Love,

Devorah Zealot Soodak http://psychout.typepad.com/ the zealot needs help!

P.S. Please read my blog. Thanks.

P.P.S. Please click here to read my latest post.

P.P.P.S. Please click here to read my featured post.

Hi Everyone,

I just put up a new post. I'm pretty sick, which is why it took so long.

I'm out of the Taffy Toxic Dump on Friday with no place to go. I'm so sick I can't even make phone calls to get help. Jewish Family Service are all the help there is anyway.

The Spam Crap is giving me a hard time again. It has no logic. Maybe it can count again. I have no idea what it might be counting.

I'm gonna try to get the links through one by one.

Well, it seems that the post on Debt Bondage and the Truck System is out. Ma