Feeling lost Need Inspiration

Hi everyone. I am a black female who is almost 30 and this is my story. I had panic and anxiety attacks for a couple of years now. I worry a lot so I assume that was causing these attacks. This started at a point in my life when I came over other hurdles and felt like I can actually make something of my life. I enrolled in college to get my bachelor's, got a better paying job, was planning to get my drivers licenses, travel and later find a career(not just a job to pay bills) and then have kids. Now About three years ago I would wake up with blood on my pillow my tongue and cheeks all biting up. I assume it was an extension of my panic attacks but after it happened a couple more times I Googled it and found out it might be seizures. I went in for testing and was diagnosed with nocturnal seizures. My neurologist prescribed Keppra for me. Since it only happened in my sleep I felt it wouldn't affect my life much as long as I took my medication. That was just me trying to block and not really accepting that this was a part of my life. My doctor told me about the side effects and every time I went for an appointment apart from the other questions I thought was fine she would keep asking me how I'm doing mentally (And I would find it annoying. I have always suffer from a little depression but I have always felt there is still hope, I still had a purpose in life, I never had suicidal thoughts). I have to take the keppra one pill twice daily. If I forget (which happened) and I only take one pill for 2-3 days I would have a seizure. If miss taking any medication at all I would have 3-4 seizures back to back. But always when I'm asleep. It doesn't matter how long I am asleep. I would fall asleep for a couple of minutes and I wake up with blood on my pillow, incoherent and in pain. There is never a signal. But still in denial I kept on going. Then last year while I was in Macy's trying on a dress for a wedding I'm attending, one minute I'm thinking this dress looks so good on me, the next minute (it just felt like the next minute actually it was a long while later) I wake up with a group of people yelling at me "STAY AWAKE" my cousin I live with was there and she has seen when I have my seizures and apparently when I fall asleep they keep happening so she was trying to keep me awake. I had only taken 1 pill that day but it was in the evening so I assumed I had time and could wait to take the other dose. (I guess not). I went to my neurologist and after doing more scans and test apparently something changed in my brain so I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Now this was a very big shock to my system (mentally). After hearing the word it self I hated it. Because all it meant to me now is that at anytime anywhere I can have a seizure. Not just in my sleep. Crossing the road(and get by a truck), waiting on the train platform(and fall on the tracks) around strangers, coworkers and classmates who won't know what to do when it happens. My life started spiraling out of control in my mind. All my hopes and dreams felt like they were slipping away. So I went into denial mode. If anytime I talk about it I break down. My doctor told me I had to start seeing a therapist because I wasn't handling and accepting my diagnosis well. Still I pressed on. Work, school, family. Had a few seizures here an there but thankfully all in my sleep. Since I've always been a little depress I didn't realized it at first but I was slowly falling deeper and deeper into depression. Crying everyday, not wanting to get out of bed, not really feeling any joy in life. To the point where I had to get to take a medical leave from work, and I stopped attending class, and the suicidal thoughts started happening. (Sadly for me anyways I was honest with my doctor and they didn't want to release me from the hospital until I did a psych evaluation and I had someone to take me home). Then it just kept getting worst. I one day had then 'light bulb moment' ah this is why my doctor kept asking me about my mental state because the side effect of keppra that cause depression is affecting me. Now the me who was already depressed has been amplified by a 1000. I quite my job with no back up plan, I missed more than half of this semester (so obviously I'm failing my classes), my room is a disgusting mess(which goes against my OCD tendencies), I gained over 50 pounds in just a couple months, I feel EMPTY inside. I couldn't even cry anymore. There is just nothing there but suicidal thoughts. Only two thought keeps me going first, My family, second, If I attempt suicide and it doesn't work I would either be more messed up( physically, or mentally) making my life worst. So until I fine an option that is guaranteed also painless(I hate pain) I can't step attempt it. I stopped going to therapy because there main solution was putting me on antidepressants and I really didn't see the point of taking a pill to fix the side effects of another pill. Another pill I have to be taking all my life (and if I forget to take it I will begin to spiral . really hate the fact that I've become so useless and that its affecting my family because at least my Epilepsy can be controlled by medication there are others out there who have it far worst than I do, not just with Epilepsy but other illness so why can't I adapt. Realizing last month that it has gotten this bad, realizing that I haven't had a panic attack in months, I haven't cried in months, I have been walking around with a mask on and thinking back I can't remember that last time I have actually felt joy. After getting to this stage, I finally decide to follow my doctors advise to switch my medication from Keppra to Lamotrigne. So this month I'm slowly taking Lamotrigne along with the Keppra. My main issue is accepting that I can still live on with Epilepsy. I tend to over analyze and no matter how I look at it I will forever be in despair. Without additional specified issues there are regular everyday problems everyone faces (cost of living, work, bills, family etc) and overcoming these problems to keep on living. I don't see away for me to overcome my problems along with my Epilepsy. For me living and being alive is two different things. I haven't actually lived my life in years. Being in despair isn't living. Praying to God every single night I go to sleep to not let me wake up, to kill me in my sleep is not living. Praying that he gives another chance to someone else who actually wants to live and take me instead is not living. No matter what others, doctors, family, friends have said it doesn't help. SO I'M HERE ASKING FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EPILEPSY, IS THERE HOPE? Can I live on and actually find joy again. Because I'm tired of the feeling that there is nothing inside.