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Completely alone

I feel I have to tell someone who understands what my life is like, because no one around me does.

I was diagnosed with complex partial seizures at 11, in response to the Gardasil vaccine. I was prescribed Keppra, which seemed to work for about a month, and then I started having seizures again. For some reason, they never took me off Keppra -- they just had me take more incrementally. I am now 22, still taking it, still having seizures. I have since had a few tonic-clonic seizures, which, of course, the Keppra has done nothing for, but no one arounds me cares what I have to say or how I feel about anything.

My neurologist is convinced I have catamenial epilepsy because I also have PCOS, but I told her my seizures are not always around my period. She just talked over me. I told my mother I think my seizures lately (of which there have been several) are stress-related, and she told me it is just my fault for not going to bed earlier, and that that would fix everything. I have tried to explain my predicament in detail at work, but rather than the things I say helping my boss/coworkers understand that it is usually not a big deal, they all start yelling and gossiping about me. One even said, "I guess they will fire her now, she has had too many absences."

And I am still taking that !@%$#*& Keppra. I'm so depressed it is hard to get out of bed in the morning, and on my days off, I often just lay in bed and sleep, because that's the one thing that (for me) will guarantee no seizures. I have no friends, no driver's license, and am terrified of going on dates. I have to text my mother when I get in and out of the shower, and if I don't, she will yell at me and remind me that it is my fault. I have read where other people say Keppra makes you feel like life isn't worth living. I am not living -- I am just existing. I go to work, I come home, and I go to sleep, and that is my entire life. I do not know if it is the Keppra or that I have less independence than a toddler, but I just feel so alone, and every day is a chore.

I have made an appointment with a different neurologist, and I am prepared to beg for a prescription for a different medicine. I cannot keep living like this, because it is not living.

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