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A Thought About Relationships

Fri, 11/25/2005 - 01:27
I've had this long enough, been hurt too often enough that maybe I've learned something I can pass on to others after reading some posts here. It's regarding relationships. One thing I've learned is that men and women often express themselves, perhaps even think, have different expectations, reactions, then women. Does this make them wrong? I've learned it doesn't but for years I thought my husband was cruel. It has caused me problems in my marriage when I've expected my husband to react, feel, say certain things and he's said - I haven't read your script (sarcastically), which has hurt me, not recognizing he's hurt. With excellent couple's counseling with a counselor that favored neither of us which I think is important and reading the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" which explains the different ways men and women converse? I've learned that often my expectations of my husband and other men, such as my son and sons in laws that have been disappointing and hurtful doesn't mean they're bad people or insensitive to my needs. It could mean we are different because we are different sexes, were raised differently because of that, maybe it's genetic too, and what I need, expect, and don't always get, doesn't mean they don't care. I've learned that I need to be a listener, a questioner more than a criticizer. I'm a very good critizer when I'm hurt. I don't like that side of me and I'm trying to change it for my sake, as well as those I love. I'm a nurturer but so is my husband. We don't nurture though in the same way and I didn't fully realize that. An example is when I'm in the ER. When he had an accident in June and was in and out of the ER i could recite his doctor's every word, all his vital signs, everything that happened, every thing his nurse said. When I'm in a status sz and ask what happened, how were my 02 sats, what did the doctor say? He might respond only - you're okay, let's go. That's not enough for me. I'm on many medications, one of which is 260 mg of Dilantin. The last time I was in the hospital the doctor many hours later asked me - are you on 800 mg of Dilantin! I was embarassed my husband said such a ridiculous thing and felt the doctor must think, KNEW the doctor must think, this man cares very litle about this women, his wife. My husband had told him that because he didn't KNOW how many mgs I was on and it hurt me. I realize now it shouldn't have. My Dilantin levels were toxic for 2 years. I have gone up and down on this AED many times. I'm the one that takes it too, not him. He in turn asked me how many mg of a medicine he takes and I had to admit, I didn't know. I know my health history and I've talked about it, expected him to memorize it which would mean he cared about me (my definition you see). His interest was - are my levels okay despite what mg's I'm taking. Are your lungs, liver doing well and if they were, he dropped it. If they are not, he would ask me what I was doing about it. That was not enough for me. I never told him that, I blew up and accused him of being cold hearted. How could he not understnd what I felt, but he didn't. IOW we have different focuses, ways of communicating, not different concerns. We express our concerns in different ways, still we're both concerned about the same things but in different expressions. It's taken a lot of hurt on our parts, education, and acceptance, sometimes blind acceptance, to realize this. He then asked me to write out a billfold size history of my health problems and medications. I wonder, why haven't I don't this before? I know why. I wanted him to care enough to know them already. Immature? Perhaps but to me if he knew all of this it would be a sign of love and I think many of us harbor these unrealistic and unfair thoughts and expectations of people we care about and set them up. That was a real eye opener for me. Only an impassionate counselor could have told me that and me listen. My husband is not me, and I am not him. What has really surprised me is that he has had as much exasperation with our communication difficulties as have I. I felt he had no right. Wasn't I right? More precise? Seemingly more concerned? Not to him. I don't think this is always a problem with men and women but with us that is the problem. After 19 years of marriage it is very hard for me to make this mental change of thought but I want my marriage. He has hurt me, a lot. I never realized I have also hurt him, a lot. That's been a real wham-o for me. I've told and told him how much he's hurt me. He hasn't told me or maybe I haven't listened or doubted him. Why? I felt I had an obligation, a right to tell him. He felt I was dealing with enough and didn't want to load me with more so often he'd remain silent. He didn't want to hurt or burden me more but what really happens he realizes now is that if you're angry at someone or peeved that emotion comes out in some way or another and this did happen with him in ways I didn't understand. He'd take it out on me in other ways because anger or concern doesn't vanish and then he'd hurt me more. He felt guilt. I couldn't see this thru my hurt and anger, which made him more angry at me. Eventually he became cruel at home from his environmental problems at work and he felt I should understand. I have had problems in my work but I didn't take it out on others at home, women usually don't I've read and heard. When he became cruel to me? I became more cruel to him because he deserved I felt, I have that capacity. This vicious circle nearly ended our marriage. We had a trial separation but I had no intention of continuing our marriage in truth. We had a severe problem of communication but neither knew it. What I did know was that I married a very kind, giving man and I felt he had "changed". I felt he had because of my epilepsy. I was wrong. Assumptions can be devastating to any relationships and that is what I was assuming. Assumptions are not truths, they are guesses. My goal is to state that I know there are relationship problems with people who have epilepsy and often they are very real. I experience those way too often in others and I knew it was because I have epilepsy yet he continually denied this vehemently which angered me more because it was so obvious, to me. But in my marriage nothing was this wrong with our relationship before I was diagnosed but definitely something became amiss after I was diagnosed. We had experienced other problems tho before I had epilepsy and again we didn't communicate. I harbored grudges from years past, attached them to my epilepsy problems, it all made such sense too. I am not one to carry a grudge but I learned well how to do that. Something I wish I didn't know how to do now. Well, what was the natural ASSUMPTION I'd make? The fact is is I shuldn't have been quiet, reclusive thus punishing or accusing (which i called "explaining"), but a listener, open minded. I shouldn't have assumed, and remembered who this man had been when we married. I didn't. Assumptions are not always accurate no matter how logical they seem to us. Please believe me because I have caused years of havoc by doing this for way too long with my husband and I. I did feel I was the perfect comunicator and maybe I was in my work which is how I judged myself. I realize now I was not in my personal life, perhaps. I'm still evaluating this. I think I'm right tho. I've read that we might be appropriately assertive in our professional lives but milk toast in our social lives. Why can that not be true in communication too? I know for me, that was probably true and I am ashamed of it but also relieved I am finding out before it is too late. He felt I was putting up with enough and he wasn't going to vent and add more, but he did, in subversive ways but he didn't know it. We had a lack of verbal communication. That sounds easy to correct but it hasn't been. It's been hard for me to shut up and listen, evaluate, put myself into his shoes, and it's been very hard for him to say to me - sometimes your E is very hard for me or you need to teoll me more, education me more, quit making assumptions. At this point in our marriage it is better than it has been in a very long time. I am still prickly and too quick to judge him. I am very quick to say and think see - you have not made necessary changes, you are the same as you were even if he has gone a very long time with exemplary behaviors and caring I give him no breaks. He knows this and is being forgiving. I also need him to not bring his work exasperations home and loose his temper with me, and he is learning that hurts me. We are learning together but it is very hard to make this change. Still, I can see it is worth it and in the future it will be even more worth it because I need and love him and it is the same for him. I do have other relationships that have dumped me because I do have epilepsy and either that is something they can not handle or choose not to. That has hurt me a lot but I reflect back on The Serenity Prayer that I have framed in my house and remember "...and to accept the things I cannot change" but that is very hard easy to pray, hard to do because it hurts, angers, it is not fair to be judged in any way. Particularly when it is a syndrome I don't want either, can not help, and I'm being judged, often it feels punished. I have had friends and relatives that refuse to be around me at all. My only sister refuses to let me enter her house, will not be around me at all, because I might seize. I wish she would let me and I wish I would seize, to hurt her. It makes me mad because it hurts me but I can't change that situation nor will she totally admit it. I can not understand this because I would never be this way I feel but I know I can't judge others on how I would respond and who knows how I really would respond to all situations. For instance there is one disease I have been around a lot as a hospice nurse and it gives me the creeps, scares me, I avoid it. Who am I to judge? I don't like that about myself but there it is too. We're in very good couple's counseling. It is our third attempt but this time is it working for one reason. The counselor favors neither of us. Our problem before was the the counselor favored one or the other of us and we both felt that. It's important to find someone who cares equally about both of you, your problem. Each week that we go I learn more and more and I'm sure there is more I have to learn. I'm learning I don't have to have my husband know every little thing about me and my E and vomit it back to me so I know for sure he cares and he's learning that for me to know he does care he has to sometimes say things to me that might wound but also say these things in a loving way and then do necessary damage control. He's learning how to do that and I'm learning how to be strong enough to withstand it so our marriage can be strong. I hope this might help any type of relationship that anyone is having trouble with. I do have relationships that have hurt me horribly and I do know there is no hope for them. I still hurt and I still don't know what to do about them. To accept things the way they are isn't in my nature but I know it is what I need to do. I've thought that relationships and employoment might be two of the biggest problems people with E have in their syndrome. It has been for me and the fall out of both. I heavily suggest for those with opposite sex differnet relationship difficulties to read "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" and to seek a fair and impartial counselor. It helped us to understand how men think and speak and how different women are different from men but have their needs too. It doesn't mean men or women are wrong. It means we are different and with E and other health problems, the soup often thickens. I'm okay, I'm just a different, sometimes need adjustments, but I wasn't understanding, knowing, following this axiom myself in my world, in this different world to either of us. Neither was he. We had to learn together and we are still striving to learn. I hope this might have helped anyone and I'm sorry if I've stepped on any toes. We have a lot of damage control still to do, a long way to go but we are on that journey. This is meant only as an offer for food for thought and if it helps anyone as this has helped and is helping us? I'll be very happy. Gretchen

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