Pul-leeze! I need emotional neutering!

SCENE: Have had E all my life but found out first time when I was 50, 7 years ago. I tend to think of my E as my "little E" (years prior to 50) and "big E", when it blew up and won't go away. All of my life I've been too emotional. Ya know the woman who sobbed tears of joy thru all of her children's plays, sports events etc? That was me. Remember the mother you heard about that went into a rage storming through the halls of grade school because her E son got cheated on class computer time? That was me too. MOODS, that jump me unexpectantly? Aren't new to me. Since I was 50 tho, they're more intense, more "colorful", more frequent and less predictable. One problem I have had, but I AM better with this now, is that I feel justified of my behaviors at the time one of these many moods hit me. Later I see my reaction (of anger, joy, sorrow, rage etc - was overblown. I'm embarrassed. Constantly apologizing, explaining to others. And? Explaining WHAT? "I can't help it" - sounds rather weak and I have a thang about excusing my E symptoms. Sometimes I'm still slightly postictal, don't know it, and then it's REALLY bad.) I read there are 64 moods! GOOD GRIEF! I refused to read what they all are in fear I'll take on even more than I have now! At times, my intense, jump me suddenly moods are a social handicap for others (at times?). I've learned to isolate myself until they pass, if there is a place I can isolate myself, often there isn't. I've learned, but don't always practice, not to post when I'm in a rage or angry. Or what I really do is post on Word Pad, leave it, until the rage passes and then I rarely post it (note: rarely - eeekkkss). I warn people if I feel a rage or at least anger coming on (2 second warning, must talk VERY fast) but the response is so rapid it even jolts me. I do try to protect others after witnessing some of the harm and havoc I've perpetuated on others (shudder). But I can't find a way to protect me. Often after one of these intense moods passes I feel shakey, have a headache, have to lay down in a dark room for an hour or two. Before the age of 50 I took Zoloft and it evened me out. It was a miracle. "The Answer". I was taken off everything when I was diagnosed including Premarin which I'm not allowed to take after 3 lumpectomies and atypical cells (if there is ONE drug my DH wishes I could now take -it would be Premarin and I don't blame him.) I've been very tempted to order it over the internet and say to heck with "risk factors", what about my mind? Zoloft was later added back in and I had some kind of bad reaction. Same for Paxil and some other SSRI's. IOW, I'm stuck with "education" trying to understand why I have these and really? I do all of that, diligently. Which helps me a lot when I'm evened out. It does NOT help when I'm whipped sideways by - a sudden intense mood. I have noticed as long as I don't strike out in anger, give in to wracking sobs, IOW act out these sudden intense moods, they tend to dissipate very rapidly. That's not always possible. Then I'm stuck in a run away inappropriate reaction to - you name it. TODAY: I sing for funerals, weddings, bar mitsvahs, church events, special events of all kinds and sometimes these can become very emotional. Usually I can "neuter" my emotions when I sing and get thru it. I enjoy singing, and I make a tiny bit of money besides. You're paid an honorarium and often you're asked to donate that to a charity. Some singers charge a certain rate. I don't. I accept what's offered as many times people are strapped just paying for the funeral, wedding etc. I do it for me, not the pittance of money I make. If you sing for say funerals, you develop a portfolio of pieces people can choose from. I have one too. These pieces you've practiced, are in your voice range, know well, and have found are frequently requested. In my life, my portfolio for children's funerals has become liked, known. I normally have the same musician to accompany me, but this morning I had to do some quick run thru's with a new person. An excellent musician on piano and harmonica. But this morning I had obligated to sing at a teen's funeral and I started feeling shakey in my confidence due to a new accompanist and I was very tired (VERY bad signs). My asthma is worse in the morning. I can medicate myself tho, do other things, often overcome that for at least 2 hours. My DH questioned me if I should sing in the morning due to my asthma which hasn't been great lately, further shaking my confidence (not blaming him, it's just the truth, he was concerned) but it worsened my confidence, set up no. 2 to fail. My husband was been puking all night with the flu, thus I was very tired, no. 3 set up for a fall. The accompanist and I had some run thru's prior to the funeral and frankly while he is very good we weren't on the same musical wave length. Setup no. 4 on confidence, which is sliding down hill or IOW set up for a MOOD SWING. All translating to unreliable emotions are looming. I knew it but I couldn't duck out or find a substitute one hour prior to the funeral where several hundred people were attending. What to do? I had to fulfill this obligation (shudder). My ability to disassociate (read: loose all emotions) was in the back 40! YIKES! Of course the pieces the grieving family picked were the most touchingly emotional ones I have in my portfolio. YIKES. I have had tears as I've sung and somehow it has always seems to the grieving appropriate, I learned that long ago. But a torrential tears running down, catching in my voice, unable to go on, a total break down - isn't so cool. To make things worse one piece I sang was sung at my son's funeral, in fact I sang it with my niece in a cloud of numbness at that time, slightly changed by me to match the occasion. An upbeat children's song I love -"This Little Light of Mine". The other selection they chose was "(You) Put a Lot of Love in my Heart" - another heart wrencher sung with a ton of emotion, snappy beat, belted out, a snazzy song. I was definitely set up to fail, I knew it, my confidence was then blown to he**. I told my accompanist if I couldn't go on, he should. He looked at me like I was - well most of you know how I was looked at. FREAK! I did make it through both with some tears running down, a few catches in my voice, still I considered that a triumph. The parents were thankful, very appreciative and as usual were touched that I was touched. If only they knew. On the way home though? Being chauffered by the guy who accompanied me and already is wondering about me? I broke down, wracking sobbing. I KNEW it was overblown, inappropriate, he didn't "get it", and frankly - neither do I! I've read the sites epi_help posted about moods and it helped, a lot, when I'm okay but when I get hit with one of these? It doesn't help. I do self talking. I isolate. I pray passionately for the strong moods to pass. Often I have to force myself not to call, post during one of these and often I fail then I have to do the "quick edit dance" later or damage control. Or suffer consequences or worse, others have to suffer my rage, anger, depression, sorrow - all overblown and does blow over for me, but not for them. My moods are not always negative in origin either. Sometimes I get too tickled about something. Note: TOO tickled and I get raucus, laugh ridiculously, can't turn it off. I disassociate when I can (which helps the most but my psych said I should NEVER do that again as I can get in trouble with that from prior severe PTSD). I do try not to explain the unexplainable to anyone who is not connected to E because how do you explain why some little thing someone says throws you into a sudden rage? Wracking sobbing? Huge sorrow over some of my children's health problems until I want to call them every 5 minutes to see if they're okay and they're saying the two syllable - Mooo-oooom. Well? I swore, no more invasive procedures on my brain and I mean it BUT if there were a procedure that would emotionally neuter me? I think I'm up for it. This is a social handicap. If seizures didn't ambush me enough? What about MOOD SWINGS. And I mean FAST swings? Good grief when I'm told my neuropsych testing is "normal" I wonder - who in the heck reads these things? Did they get their degree off a match book cover? I sometimes feel - nuts. Maybe I shouldn't post this so soon after returning home from a heart wrenching funeral of a teenage boy who died from leukemia at the age of 19 but the incredible sorrow I felt has passed, the fall out has visited. I'm now in the "explanation stage", again. I started this horrid practice of singing up front, near the parents, singing to them, which is effective for them, but sometimes devastating to me. When I've suggested to people who ask me to sing that I sing in the back or the balcony, I get dropped faces. I've been told part of why I am being hired is because I sing close, up front to the parents. I get that, I too have lost a son. I feel I can give to grieving parents maybe something other soloists can't. But I sure as heck wish it is never - my MOOD SWINGS. Again, I want to be emotionally neutered. I ache to be one of these people who are "flat" emotionally. I want to be thick skinned, not thin skinned. I don't even read the news much anymore because I feel I HAVE to do something about - whatever and often have, to the detriment of my health. I can get extremely empassioned. I ache to be the person who watches "Old Yeller" or "Where the Red Fern Grows" for the 40th time and not sob loudly using a whole box of Kleenex, again, while others around me say - why is this bothering you, you've seen it at least 40 times. I KNOW - I anticipate the sad parts and start crying BEFORE it happens. I ache not to embarrass my children with some of my extremely regrettable actions, words, sudden changes of moods (altho my two E children are sobbing, or raging or feel overblown compassion right along with me. They also send horrid emails as do I, feeling awful the next day, as do I {one of E children was in a rage and in an email called me a liar, a bridge burner, selfish, forgetful (true), inconsiderate, paranoid schizophrenic (need I go on?) I've been tested and I KNOW at least I'm not those a schizophrenic, and so does my raging sweetie but I also know why that was written - RAGE - and striking out!}) The next day, like me, they feel they have to fumble around trying to explain what was written the day prior in a mood swing - which to me? They know they don't have to explain or I wish they knew but sometimes when I'm on the receiving end? It hurts or concerns me. However? I GET IT! I hope they know it.) Want to know what is REALLY bad? I have two black belts and in a rage - I could (read: have) hurt people who were about to, or did hurt me. EEEKKKSSS. I do tend to broadcast to those around me my skills so they don't tip me over into a rage because I'd hate to hurt anyone - who wasn't about to hurt me, or did first. But, what is the definition of "hurt"? I am thankful beyond belief my DH is so patient and loving unless one of my rages turns on him. Then he becomes as loco as I am. (Actually I know he's worse but I'm no longer supposed to say that - thus sayeth our couple's counselor.) Not a good combo. We're working on this "issue". LOL - my idea of "working on this issue" is he should stop it, but I can't "help it". SQUEAL - CLUNK! I haven't appreciated this enough in him until lately, due to good couple's counseling where I'm being taught "coping mechanisms", "rights of 'others' i.e. DH (puke - sorry)", "ways to deflate strong moods", "finding diversions" which sounds good, can be good, but these things come on SO fast I don't have time to think of good diversions, think up coping mechanisms and all the rest. Our counselor hasn't quite grasped, I think, E mood swings or at least MY mood swings which I didn't get until I was diagnosed. Strong E mood swings are not exactly easily deflatable Bud, I am dying to say to him and probably will some day, nor do I even want to. Dare I say this or that? Sometimes, I reiterate sometimes, when I am in a rage, sobbing, etc - it feels good. Like I got defused, personal electricity is blown off, I feel mentally better for awhile. Good for me, but bad for those around me. These mood swings that are so intense are as ambushing as seizures, darn't! I RESENT these dang things. Again, aren't seizures enough? Honestly? There are times, I'd rather have a seizure than be ambushed by these sudden, overwhelming strong emotions. At the time it feels absolutely horrid. Seizures are obviously physiological. Mood swings make me look nuts and NO ONE is buying - it is a part of my epilepsy. I can't bame them but if I say sorry, it's a product of my AEDs - they buy it? Whyz that? Educating (read: rationalizing)it is part of my E symptoms sounds like even to me THE worst excuse in the world. Someone once told me they had the impression I was stuck in the world's worst PMS at times - which isn't possible I wanted to say but didn't because I've had a total hysterectomy but if you think THIS is bad? PMS was a monthly horror we all dreaded but it lasted only about 8 hours (only? That was a l-o-n-g 8 hours.) Worse, these moods make me FEEL nuts. And I have been tested I've told you - I am not nuts, I have epilepsy. See, how this works? I know it, but try educating anyone when that someone is your victim! Being educated is the last thing on their minds. Okay I've vented. And if I ever get on chat and I'm a little bit snippy? Please drop that private box down and tell me to am-skray, in a nice way. I started out my blog by saying I sometimes post PI. What an understatement. You will KNOW if I post PI because it's either in a different language (Swedish), a mix of Swedish/English, very long, topic hops and always - quite emotional. On the other hand - I think with or without E? I would be a very compassionate person. As an RN in labor and delivery? Can you IMAGINE me when a baby was born, thousands of times for me? Well at least the parents were touched their nurse had tears of joy for them - every-single-time. SHEESH! Enough. I'm sick of this. Maybe the neuropsychs who say I'm "normal" (I think for an E - not sure), don't have that test yet that discovers I AM nuts because sometimes, particularly in a rage which is far far different than anger, can't be measured. EEEKKKSS. Gretchen