In Memoriam of Rachel Dalton

My beloved and best friend Rachel and I, met here on Epilepsy.com in the chat room around March of 2006 when we were both in college. From what I remember, the chat room was sort of a new feature to Epilepsy.com. I decided to try and find a chat room for people with Epilepsy or seizures just to find someone to talk with about my own seizures and various medical conditions, and for support to cope better with someone who knew what I was going through. Her name showed up on the lineup of people in the chat room, and I chose her randomly. We started talking and we eventually took over the chat room as we had lots to discuss and quickly became friends. It turned from chatting in the chat room, to phone calls, emails and an eventual visit during our Christmas break from college. She flew down from North Carolina to see my twin and I. She decided she loved my town of Austin so much and could be independent (using the city bus system and metro rail) that she wanted to move here. After another several months of chatting and phone calls, she told me she was for sure about moving and flew down here. She started working at JCPenny in the mall which was the company she worked for in her hometown, so it was an easy transition. Rachel had a complex case of Epilepsy in which she would have a-tonic, grand-mal/tonic-clonic as well as absence seizures. She never grew out of them as they started at age 9 with unknown cause. Daily she would walk to the bus stop, walk across the parking lot of the mall and into JCPenny's where she would clock in. She was a wonderful worker and an asset to the company. She had seizures while at work and EMS would be called, her taken to the ER and then released to head home. She went to work, rode the buses around town to check out the local hotspots as well as attended community college to learn American Sign Language part time. She lived life to the fullest. We all traveled together so often, that many people thought we were sisters! We cared for each other when one of us would have a seizure. I have Complex Partial seizures as does my identical twin sister, while Rachel had several types of seizures. She suffered many A-tonic seizures and because I feared for her, I would grab her arm and walk next to her. Since I am blind, she would guide me around often times and holding onto her left arm above the elbow was typical sighted-guide technique. But because I had a hold of her arm, if she started falling due to an A-tonic or any other type seizure, I could try to keep her from falling all the way to the ground, or soften how hard she would hit the ground. Seizure after seizure she'd become stronger in her will to live and be independent. I admired her for this and she helped me to not be so fearful of my own seizures and to live life. 4/24/2015 is the day Rachel lost her fight with Epilepsy. She tried various medications over the years but nothing seemed to help for very long. The night before her passing, I found her crying hysterically over the recent loss of her father. She kept saying "I wish my Dad was here." and " I wish I could be near him!" She had an almost suicidal tone to her voice though, which bothered me. I asked her to come inside the apartment rather than be outside on the stairs just in case a seizure would happen. I had a gut feeling like one might start. It did not. Sometimes before a big tonic-clonic seizure would start, she became very emotional even angry for no reason. After coming inside, she stayed in my bedroom for 2 hours as we worked to calm her down, brushing her hair to sooth her, and telling her how awesome of a person she is and how her father would be proud of her courage and independence and zeal for life. We explained that her father is in heaven and that she would see him one day but for now, she needed to grieve and take time to process her Dad's passing. This was the first time I ever saw her so distraught and overwhelmed with sorrow. She eventually calmed down and said "love you guys" as she left my room to head upstairs to hers for the night. That next morning, my other roommate and best friend Windy noticed Rachel's purse on the table which was odd because Rachel had a neurology appointment that morning early in which she should have been gone out of the house. I used my iPhone to track where she was and it showed her at home. I walked upstairs to her bedroom and didn't find her in bed, so I left to go back to my room to figure things out. I called her phone without any response. I again went upstairs to look for her but because of my vision impairment, I didn't see her the first time around. She was on the floor of her bathroom with the door almost closed. As I approached her bathroom, I saw the light on and orange color pile on the floor. I was confused for sure and pushed on the door which did not work as Rachel's body was against it. Once I realized this, I pushed harder on it enough to step inside. I stepped over her body and checked on her. I knew she was having a seizure as she was stiff from the waist down and flaccid from the waist up and her eyes were closed, which was abnormal for her for sure. I tried to roll her over which was hard as the bathroom was very small. I moved her and she made a noise. I thought "shes coming out of this weird seizure and she'll be okay shortly." She never made any other noises which was weird to me as she always moaned, gasped for air and made a chocking sound as if someone is chocking her. I yelled as loud as I could for my twin sister and my roommate Windy to get upstairs fast and that Rachel was having a seizure. I explained to them that this didn't seem right and that shes not responding at all, and the seizure seemed stuck mid-way through the usual process of her grand-mal seizure. We called 911 immediately as we knew something was off. We moved her to her back and checked to see if she was breathing or not. It seemed that she was but it was hard to tell. So 911 did not instruct us to do CPR at all. We tried hard to tell dispatch if she was breathing or not as I checked her chest and stomach and did not feel any movement, but it still didn't get through my mind that she wasn't breathing hardly at all. Because these symptoms were new to us all, we waited as instructed and kept trying to arouse her, talking to her, and calling her name. Nothing from her. Just silence and an eerie stillness with her that definitely was not normal. Police banged on the door and rushed to her room, shoved us out of the way and immediately started CPR which shocked us as we thought Rachel was asleep or breathing shallow. I walked downstairs to get out of the way of all of the police, fire and EMTs that showed up. I waited nervously for any news and when I asked EMS whats going on, they said "We are working here." and closed her bedroom door. I heard the EKG machine beeping and I said excitedly: "Oh there is her heartbeat. Shes alright now." EMT said "Oh its just the ECG sounding because we are doing CPR to keep her heart pumping. They used a LUCAS device that wraps around the victim's chest that does CPR electronically rather than EMTs doing it. They worked on her for 45 minutes without success. They all marched down the stairs and went outside without saying anything to us. I thought that Rachel was being prepped to go to the ER for further treatment but no, they stopped working on her, left her on her bedroom floor and were waiting on the medical examiner to come out to declare her death. We were speaking with a case worker for the city and she kept us busy with talking about life and things we enjoyed. We didn't know that she was doing that to keep us busy from asking about Rachel or wanting to go upstairs to check on her. A police officer came up to me while I was standing in the hallway and said plainly and without emotion: "Your friend did not make it." He stood there waiting for me to respond as if Id need to be restrained. I was in so much shock that all I could do was stand there saying "This cannot be true. Let me go see her. I need to help her." He stood in my way and said "No ma'am". I retreated to my bedroom where my twin sister and other roommate was waiting with the dogs which we didn't want to be in the way. Everyone was crying and in shock. The case worker asked if we wanted to see her body being carried out of the house or not. I told her no, and that I cant witness her being carried out dead in a body bag. To this day I have guilt about not seeing her off. I feel like she would of wanted me to see her leave the apartment, but I don't know what shed want in reality. Each April 24th is hard and it still shocks me that she is gone, just gone as if she never existed. I have 12 years of memories with and of her. I have pictures and video with her. People remember her and I will always be grateful for all the years I got to enjoy with her. She was 1 out of 7 deaths that Ive had to learn to cope with over the last 3 years. Most of the deaths were months apart leaving me devastated and confused about life, spirituality, reality, day-to-day life, learning how to cope and interact with people while having death and loss on my mind often. The days feel numb and I feel dazed and lost in thought over everyone Ive lost. Loosing Rachel who I lived with for 7 1/2 years is just hard to cope with. I thought she committed suicide by taking medications. She seemed almost hopeful that shed soon see her Dad in Heaven the night I found her crying hysterically. It took 6 months to hear from her mother about the cause of Rachel's death. it hurt me deeply to not hear one word from her mom. No phone calls to say "sorry for your loss of your best friend." or "Hi Crystal. How are you holding up." Nothing- not one word. Silence just made me feel the PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, and loss strongly in my soul. I had no resolution. I didn't get to attend or even hear about a memorial service until way later after her death. I had no clue for a long time about the real cause of her death. I was happy to find out that it was not suicide. It hurt to hear that it was an head and brain injury that killed her probably instantly mid-seizure by the way her body looked and felt. The bathroom was tiny and I always wonder if she would of lived if the seizure happened anywhere else but there. It killed me to hear her mom say to me: "She might be alive if she was living with me at home where I could look after her." She has no idea how much I looked after Rachel, how many times I asked her "did you take your meds for the day Rach?, or how often Id check in with her just to know shes alright. Rachel had 1-2 Grand-mal tonic-clonic seizures a month and countless A-tonic/drop seizures a month. I feel like her mother has no idea how involved I was with Rachel. She was my best friend, roommate for 7 1/2 years, the closest friend I'd ever had in my life, and such a special person to ever know. Rachel changed my life and even put in the effort to learn sign language from me just to make communication easier. She went out of her way to guide me, describe things to me, read to me, explain my environment and support me while I worked around my blindness. She protected my life with hers and vis-versa. I don't think I'll ever have another friend like Rachel. May she rest in Heavenly peace forever. May God allow me to see her again one day. God watch over me and help me become an advocate/educator on seizures and disabilities in her memory. Rachel taught me so much while she was alive. Any time I feel suicidal about not being able to save her, or PTSD becomes overwhelming, depression and anxiety take over me so much that I stay inside for days to weeks, I remember Rachel and how full of life she was and how she would rather me live my life to the fullest despite my seizures and disabilities.