(Age 12)

The way I feel when I have my seizures is awful. I go blind for about 45 seconds. I feel like my eyes are crossed and that I am in La-La land. I see blackness a lot and have real bad headaches once in a while. Sometimes, but not recently, I get sick and lie in bed thinking, "WHY ME???" Still, it could be worse.

I was diagnosed with occipital seizures in 1991, when I was 7 years old. I went through a lot of EEGs and about three MRIs, which was not a fun thing to do at my age. My eyes dart back and forth, I can't see, and I get scared. At first, I was afraid that one day I might never see the light again. But having great doctors and medicine (that I don't like to take!), I live with it and pray that one day they will stop just like they started.

My feelings about my seizures from Day One are very strong. They have affected me very emotionally. Even with my mom and other family members or friends, I get real tense and nervous. Sometimes, like when something really sad happens or has happened, I get real depressed and just feel like crying, or feel like I am nothing. When I get like this, I never blame it on anyone else, especially my mother-she been wonderful to me.

I get most embarrassed about my seizures in public, like the time my mother and I were visiting my sister in Washington DC. We were shopping at a mall and we were going up an escalator. I was the last to get off and was about halfway up with a drink in my hand and I loudly told my mother, "I'm having a spell!" I dropped my drink. My mother couldn't do anything since she of course couldn't walk down the escalator that was going up! She just told me to hold the rail. She just grabbed me as soon as she could. I felt very tired. That ended the shopping spree.

Everyone is always so understanding, except me. My eyes feel like they are crossing and then I just can't see. It doesn't last long but they are very real.

I had a great doctor and he was more than just a doctor. He was a friend to me. I met him at the medical center. He made this videotape so I could see what I looked like while having a seizure. I could see that I could still talk and hear. The day I got videotaped, I had about 10 seizures. The doctor got my medication straightened out. He was always there when my mom called him, so we really trusted him.

The Brainstorms Family: Epilepsy on Our Terms edited by Steven C. Schachter, M.D.,Georgia D. Montouris, M.D., John M. Pellock, M.D., Raven Press, 1996, Lippincott Williams & Wilkins