Each journey in life begins the moment we enter the world. Yet, it is during childhood when our mind begins to concretely photograph this journey through memories, and when we are first introduced by our family to who we are and to our place in the world. My place just so happened to be smack dab in the middle between two siblings. And, although by birth order I was slated to be medium, to be ordinary, my epilepsy made me anything but.

My journey with epilepsy began at the age of three. I had a grand mal seizure while my family and I were vacationing at Lake Tahoe. At the time, no one explained to me what was happening in my body, all I could glean from their reactions is that what was happening was abnormal and that my epilepsy had catapulted us all into the realm of the unknown. My epilepsy not only made me different from the rest of my family it was a source of shame as well. You see, I come from a family where my dad is a doctor and my mother is a very “social” and philanthropically-active person. My parents spent a great deal of time and energy perpetuating the “perfect family” stereotype. However, my epilepsy was a blemish on an otherwise flawless face. And so, I decided at a very early age that I would prove to every one that I was tough, that my epilepsy was no big deal. I would keep the silence, swallow my fears and become anything but medium. I would strive for perfection and in doing so never take risks that may jeopardize this goal.

My Learning Curve

Essentially, in my early adulthood I made decisions based around my need for approval and acceptance from my parents and family. I bought into the lie that it was not “ok” to have my own opinion because it might mean I had a voice which could break the “family secret”. As a result, I sacrificed my own dreams for the dreams of my parents. In fact, during college I did not pursue my dream of becoming a psychologist. Since my father had little interest in psychology (the field of study I loved and have a passion for) I pursued business (which I hated) and chose to major in economics (a class I failed 3 times before I was able to pass it). I sacrificed other things as well out of fear of rejection such as competing in sports and not participating in extracurricular activities. The truth is I missed out on a lot of opportunities by being afraid- by not living out my real and created self (feelings and thoughts). I spent so much time hoping someone would notice my potential that I myself forgot to notice.

Over time, I’ve come to see that my parents are wonderful people. I’ve realized that in so many ways they tried to protect me from the pain of life, and that their perfectionism was their way of keeping us all safe.

My Growth Spurt

What caused me to move beyond my fear? Well, I guess you could say I had an “Aha” moment, a moment when my heart and mind realized simultaneously that the pain of not living out my personal dreams outweighed my fear of failure. For the longest time, my perception of epilepsy, and how it defined who I was both paralyzed and blinded me. Up until my “Aha” moment I was living life from one day to the next, not really seeing the great opportunities that were at my feet waiting to be developed. All I could see were my limitations and my fear.

I overcame my fear of failure and/or success (I think they may be related) when I realized nobody was going to live my life for me or make my dreams of helping people grow come true. But mostly, I recognized my fear of not following through had become a trap and, that this was not going to change until I recognized it, looked it square in the eyes, and challenged it for what it was--a waste of my time. I finally had the courage to unlock my potential, abilities and dreams to develop and become the person I was meant to be!

Fast Forward to the Present

Today, I view my epilepsy as an opportunity to change and make a difference in my life and the lives of other individuals and their families. As a child and family therapist I have been helping individuals, couples, families, churches, and businesses to communicate with passion and power over the past 17 years. I am sure this has its roots in not being able to communicate my thoughts and feelings as a child.

In any event, I have begun a Christian Counseling Center

(CCC) in Napa and am very excited about meeting the needs of families, individuals and the community at large. I will be working to establish some treatment groups here in Napa to meet the many needs of individual’s and families experiencing seizure disorder communication problems. I feel as though this is a new beginning, an opportunity to live out my giftedness in such a way that I will be able to help other’s overcome the debilitating “myths” of the seizure-disordered family.