Hi there.

I am new to this forum, and unsure whether I actually have epilepsy or not. I am hoping someone will be able to read my story, and tell me if they experience their attacks in a similar way or not.

I started having 'attacks' when I was about 17-18. It started as fairly mild, anxiety-like attacks, which feel like a combination of complete dread and almost a deja-vu like feeling. Not really like I have been there before, but more accurately it feels like I am remembering an event that I have previosuly repressed, and this is accompanied by a sense of horror and fear. The memory floods over me over the course of 30 seconds or less, and when it goes away, I cannot remember what it was, but I am left with a sense of deflation and depression. While this all takes plase, there are no external signs of anything happening, and I am able to carry on conversations and act normally. Afterwards, I feel like going to bed and crying - it is the worst feeling of dread I have ever experienced and is completely draining. Sometimes it also leaves me with a severe headache.

I always saw these as anxiety attacks, and never went to a doctor with them. These events are horrible, but they come in clusters over a day or max two days. Once I have had one event, there will almost always be more that day, and once or twice this has spread to the next day as well. However, once that is past, they may stay away for a year or even two. Most recently, I have not had any attacks for two and a half years.

What complicates this for me, and has led some doctors to diagnose me with epilepsu, is that I have had a total of three events that may or may not be classified as full epileptic attacks. The first when I was 18, the next at 25 and the last at 28. These 'event' feel to me merely as if I pass out, and doctors have in fact checked if I may have low blood sugar issues, and one thought it may be a heart condition. All very worrying. Because my mum witnessed the first black out event, and told doctors that I had a one cramping seizure while I was passed out, they were led to look at epilepsy. Scans and tests never found anything, and at the second event I was at work, and colleagues said I merely passed out and slumped over my computer - no seizures or cramping. The third event was in the street, in the middle of a zebra crossing. Walking home with my shopping, I suddenly passed out, and woke up with my front tooth broken.

In these cases, I do not think I am out for very long - 30 seconds to a minute at the most. I feel tired and confused after, and obviously upset, but nothing else. These black outs have however always been preceded by one of the anxiety like attacks described above - leading me to think of epileptic auras.

I have seen many different doctors about this, because I have moved around a lot over the years. One epilepsy specialist was sure it was epilepsy, and offered me medication - but the 'attacks' being so few and far between, I felt unwilling to brave the side effects of medication. I find it hard to explain to doctors what the problem is, because the anxiety/ dread, memory feeling is really hard to describe. Therefore, I am always unsure of any diagnosis, because I feel they do not really understand what I am going through.

As mentioned I have not had either a minor or major attacks in over 2 years now - but I am conscious that they could come back any day. Looking back, especially the major attacks do seem to be quite stress related - the first I was 18 with a broken heart, the second had started a new job, the third I had just finished my master's thesis. Interestingly, I have travelled a lot all over the world, and while abroad have never had even an inkling of any attack or event or anxiety.

Any opinions or thoughts would be most welcome, as I really do not know how do handle this - if it is epilepsy, should I go on medication? Or could it be that I actually have a deeper form of anxiety that I need to deal with? At the moment, I am merely ignoring it, as I have always tended to do when I had my periods without any events - but that is not really a solution.

Please help