HI SPIZ, I AM GLAD YOU ARE BACK. STRANGE HOW LOOKING AT SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BROUGHT ME HERE. SORRY YOU LOST YOUR LONG POST TOO. THE EMBARRASSMENT OF E? MAYBE I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAW ME HAVING SEIZURES. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHO HAS. THERE WERE TOO MANY YEARS THAT I DO'T EVEN REMEMBER AND THEREFORE DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SEIZING. BEEN THRU TOO MUCH TO BE EMBARRASSED BY A WHOLE LOT. I GUESS THE BRAIN DAMAGE IS MORE EMBARRASSING. AND THEN LOOSING MEMORY THAT I REGAINED, DUE TO E. AND STROKES I HAVE FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.... MAYBE FROM THE OH, ALMOST 40 HOURS OF BRAIN SURGERIES?

THE SEIZURES, WELL NOW I AM DOING BETTER, AND BEFORE I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW I COULD BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT SOMETHING I DIDN'T REMEMBER, EXCEPT THAT DROP SEIZURES, OR ATYPICAL TONIC OR WHATEVER IT WAS. THAT WAS SOOOOOO EMBARRASSING. I USUALLY JUST HIDE. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I SAID 'I DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU SAID', AND DIDN'T KNOW I WAS HAVING SEIZURES. HOW MANY TIMES I FOUND MYSELF ON THE FLOOR, NOT KNOWING HOW I GOT THERE, AND NO ONE TO TELL ME.

I CAN'T TELL WHEN I AM SEIZING ANYWAY, UNTIL IT IS OVER. IT JUST FEELS LIKE THE BRAIN DAMAGE. WHEN THE SEIZURES WERE LESS CONTROLLED, IT WAS EMBARRASSING AND SCAREY. I DIDN'T REMEMBER I HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CPS, AND COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS ACTING LIKE A FLIPPIN IDIOT. THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD ANY MEDS. I WANTED TO CRAWL IN A HOLE. I HAVE LEARNED TO ACCEPT ALMOST EVERYTHING I DEAL WITH. BUT, WHEN I TRY TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW, I CRY. I CRY FOR A LOT OF REASONS. AND I WANT ME BACK. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. OR WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR SO VERY MANY YEARS. I GUESS THE BRAIN DAMAGE OVER-RIDES THE SEIZURES BECAUSE BOTH ARE SO MUCH THE SAME, AND THE SEIZURES ARE NOT THERE ALL THE TIME. I GET BREAKS. I NEVER GET BREAKS FROM THE BRAIN DAMAGE. I GUESS THEY ARE THE SAME. IT IS LIKE LIVING IN ONE NEVER-ENDING SEIZURE, AND POSTICTAL, OR LIVING WITH CONSTANT BRAIN DAMAGE. NEVER EVER GET A BREAK............AND I TRY SO HARD TO NOT LET IT BOTHER ME, BUT I REALLY WISH NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED TO ME. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY. WHY SO MANY THINGS JUST KEPT PILING UP FOR SO LONG, EACH WORSE THAT THE OTHER, AND NOW TO WHERE I AM NOW. AND IT IS VERY EMBARRASSING TO TELL PEOPLE I AM SORRY I DON'T REMEMBER EVER MEETING YOU OR ALL THAT STUFF, WHETHER SEIZING OR THE B.D. 

I HAVE TO KEEP FOCUSED ON A HIGHER CONNECTION WITH GOD OR I WOULD BE DEAD. SOMETIMES I FEEL DEAD. THERE'S MY CONFESSION. SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL DEAD. AND THEN I PRAY AND PRAY FOR HEALING AND STRENGTH. I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO WALK. LIFE JUST SUCKS SPIZ, AND WE MUST DEAL AS WELL AS WE CAN AND KEEP ON PRAYING FOR HELP. 11 SURGERIES...........AND I WONDER, WHAT KIND WILL I NEED NEXT? WHAT PART OF ME WILL I LOOSE NEXT TIME? I FEAR PARALYSIS. THAT MAY BE MY NEXT SURGERY, AND POSSIBLY TAKE AWAY THE PAIN AND LEAVING ME NOT EVER WALKING AGAIN. YES, I KNOW, A LOT MORE THAN E. HERE. I FEAR GETTING OLD AND NOT REMEMBERING MY LIFE. AND SHAME ON ME FOR NOT TRUSTING IN GOD. JAN

I WISH YOU PEACE, LOVE, BLESSINGS, JOY......

I USE ALL CAPS FOR THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED.