I had my first glimpse of incurable epilepsy in 1995, I had just turned fifteen a few weeks ago. I vividly remember my first encounter with epilepsy just a few days before Christmas of 1995. Our traditional carol singing choir from our home church had just departed after delighting our family with several melodious Christmas Carols. It was our time of preparation for the upcoming board test before graduating from Junior High school. I have always convinced myself that, I am not a very intelligent person, but deeply believed that I am a very hard-working person. I thrive to achieve my goal. That darkest yet, memorable night I slept at 2:00 AM and woke up at 5.00 AM to continue my preparation for my tests. The following are the few memories, I am able to recollect before I faced my first convulsion.

My mom had asked me to wake-up the maid at 6:00 a.m. to commence household chores. That was the last thing I could remember. When I did come back to my senses, I saw my mom and dad in tears; our neighbor was trying to comfort me to make me feel better. I could feel my body being weary and bleeding from my lip, since I had bit my tongue & lips during convulsion. I did not see my elder sister Priscilla. Even then I did not realize that something had happened to me. I thought something is wrong with my sister. But no, my sister had run all the way (bare foot) to fetch a cab to take me to a doctor.

I was taken to a local doctor, who gave a Compass injection to sedate me to force me rest. I woke up after almost 10 hours and saw my entire family sitting around me. Then I realized something was wrong with me. I was told that I had a seizure and everything would be fine. I neither did understand what it meant nor the intensity of the new condition had received then, but latter I was taken to the hospital, where my aunt works as a nurse for several test, including but not limited to EEG. I could see my mom crying through a small glass window on the wooden door. EEG results showed I am epileptic and I was put on Tegratol medications. I did not realize the seriousness at all. I was told not to study and not to appear for my tests. I was shattered. There were a plethora of questions entangle my brain as to whether my hard work of preparing for my test was going to be in vain? I was allowed to study only for 2-3 hours per day. I was gradually starting to feel my loss in memory. Things started changing drastically. I could feel it. But, my family was always there for me. My school Principal encouraged me to complete my tests in spite of my conditions. She said everything is going to be fine. My friends and my well-wishers also gave me the same exhorting spirit. My tests went on fine and the results did come positively. Although, not as much as I had expected, but nothing to be too disappointed in my opinion. My mother certainly did not disregard me based on my tests results, instead she praised me for my hard work and applauded me for coming out in flying colors. I felt a little better but I could feel her feelings.

My life is continuing with struggles like loss in memory, loss of independence, loss of confidence, disappointment, mental stress, fourteen prime years of medication, continual seizure attacks and loss of physical strength. But I should not forget to remember that in all these calamities, I believe our Almighty God’s Grace has been there with me.

I had many challenges to face because of my Epilepsy. First one was the completion of my B.E (Bachelor of Engineering) in Electronics and Communication graduate degree. I landed in the last semester with twelve backlog courses to be completed to graduate. It was a Miracle! I cleared all twelve at the same appearance. I remember working very hard to graduate. I believe the God I trust gave me the strength and my family I love gave me the confidence to be a graduate. I saw the “tears of Joy” on my mother after receiving my test results. I went to the Church to thank the Lord for helping me to successfully overcome the challenge.

Second was my job. I got my job fairly quick, which I presume is another miracle, since there was a huge competition for the job I had applied for. I chose to enter the workforce because our financial situation in my family was not very well balanced. I started as a Software Engineer in an Information Technology firm. I tried my best, but could not keep up with the competition. Things were quite different. Maybe people would have thought that I am a little incompetent, who knows? I assumed my friends, though they were not indifferent, probably were wondering as to why is her performance not improving at all. I had to stop minding others. I had to clearly understand my caliber and realize my health condition to proceed with my life. I could not grasp things like my peers, I could not remember things as well as my peers did and conspicuously I could not perform as good as my peers, but I took it as a challenge to win the demon of epilepsy in my life. I believe good or bad, success or failure, embarrassments or appreciations, The Almighty God, my family, my fiancée and my friends had always been with me.

At this current time my challenge is starting my family. The man I am going to marry is the one I have been in love for the past four years. We were peers, fell in love and eventually have decided to do the Wed-Lock at a favorable time. I do sometimes realize that I might be doing a mistake by not disclosing to him about my medical turmoil at the early stages of our relationship but at that point of time I did not know the seriousness or the impacts caused by epilepsy. I do not believe he detest me for not being candid. He loves me more than anybody else and he takes care of me more than my family does. In that respect, I am in fact very fortunate and blessed to have him in my life. I could see the stress he is undergoing right now and I am afraid he may have to persevere through this for rest of our lives. I sometimes wonder if he should have had a better choice of companion in his life, perhaps life would have been easier for him if it were somebody else? I sometimes find the little voice of guilt telling me that perhaps, he is undergoing unnecessary stress because of me? I wonder how will I be able to raise our children, when someone has to take care me itself? These are few questions that keep crossing my mind. To conclude, living each day is a challenge for me. As the Bible says, “My Grace sufficient for Thee”. I Live One Day at a time with HIS Grace.

The feeling that, I am what I am today does inspire me to persevere through my life with epilepsy. With the Grace of the Almighty, I am able to support my family with my job gives me a feeling that Yes, I am independent. I can prove things in life and I have. There are people who have perfect health and still did nothing significant in life. When I see my life, it makes me feel Happy and inspires me a lot! Yes, the first person I admire is my mom. Her words and deeds of encouragement, confidence and Prayer did help me a lot to come up to where/who I am now. My dad’s love, care and protection have always been my amour of shield. I never feel alone anywhere, when I remember my parents and their unsurpassed sacrifices they have made. My sister is my second inspiration. She loves me and protects me more than her own child. She thinks good for me. She tells me what is in my mind, and certainly bears with my entire mood changes and does whatever she can to cheer me up. I should not forget to mention about my friends with whom I have traveled and lived together as my work requires a lot of traveling. Though they are frightened at times when I am having a seizure, but they never reveal their thoughts or opinions to me, rather, they encourage me to perform well, they accompany me while going to work, they politely remind me to sleep on time and they ensure I eat well and above all, they bear my mood changes.

Last but not least is my fiancée, who gets the entire credit for whom I am currently and for all that he is doing for me. He tucks me to sleep, reminds me to remember my medicines, controls his emotions whenever I act weird, he remains composed when I loose my temper, encourages me on my career improvements and above all these, he loves me a lot. He does not leave me alone anywhere. The good quality I see and I really appreciate in advance because I am afraid he may have to these until I die. I understand the pressure he is in and I am afraid he may to have endure it for the rest of his life. I still wish and pray that he has a better and easier life than the one he has chosen.

As far as I am aware, epilepsy does not have a permanent cure. There are anti-seizure medicines that can only control seizures. Taking these medications for fourteen painfully long years is not that simple. I have often felt that it is a bit too much, but I have no alternative, if I want to survive. I thank the Almighty Lord for blessing me to be in a position where I know that I have to take the medications at an affordable price. I believe there are people who are totally ignorant about all these available help. I feel very bad when my parents refuse to tell someone that “YES” my daughter takes medications for Epilepsy, but I also understand the culture they group up. It really hurts when my fiancée refuses to tell his friends and parents that “YES” my significant other takes medications for Epilepsy. True, people with Epilepsy do have a few challenges with which others in the family need to compromise, but they are NOT abnormal. More research is needed; so more treatment options can become available to all of the people living with epilepsy like me. By contributing towards a cure you can keep the light of faith and hope burning for us all. It is the hope that helps us live to fight another day.