Intro
Created by justaboxat7/31/07 - 10:28 am|2 Comments
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UPDATED: Mon, 06/15/2009 - 2:00pm
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doctor...
Scared about life, depressed
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Hello everyone,
First, please do not think that I am a whiny idiot. I'm just really really scared.
I am a college student (just finished my first year). I was diagnosed with epilepsy the summer after I graduated from high school. I had probably had at least 6 or 7 seizures during the school year of my senior year of high school. I had always prided myself in being smart, hardworking, diligent, etc- the epitome of a good student. I got nearly perfect grades, all AP classes, and was valedictorian of my class. However, I started having seizures during classes. I went to the emergency room in ambulances at least 5 times during my senior year of high school. I have a good neurologist who prescribes me medication which gives me minimal side effects.
Despite all of this, I'm so scared. This may seem ridiculous, but I'm often paranoid, frightened of what the future holds for me. Despite the fact that I got into my first college choice, I feel like the world has basically fallen for me. I used to pride myself in what I did, especially academically; it used to boost my confidence up when I was not a preppy kid in high school. But now I am just depressed, crying all the time and feeling worthless about the future. I fear being labeled and called "stupid" and "crazy" by people who are around me, due to the stigma against this. While so many of my friends are getting boyfriends and girlfriends, I'm afraid, afraid to get married because I think that my genes with epilepsy will be passed on to my children, who will suffer like I do. I feel so stupid all the time, and despair about the future and what it entails for me. I fear that I will have a seizure in my sleep, choke, and most likely die. I had always dreamed about, and wished to become a doctor to help other people, ever since I could talk. However, it seems like I can't even help myself. I just wished I knew what to do. How to deal with this. How to cope with my worthless, shameful life.
Please help. Please just say anything, anything, because I cannot live without telling anyone this anymore. I do not believe that anyone (even my parents) could ever understand this. Thank you so so much!
-(worthless) doctorgirl
By doctor... at Mon, 06/15/2009 - 2:00pm | 99 views | 11 comments
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Recent Comments on this Discussion
Doctorgirl,
When I was first diagnosed at 19, I felt I was given a death sentence. I could not see the future - and it's hard to see the future when you've got seizures to deal with. Your feelings of being "stupid" and "crazy" is understandable, but try not to take these feelings seriously. Having seizures is not something you can directly "conquer". I was also a stellar and ambitious student - and I learned that I could not use the skill set I used for academics to combat my seizures. All I'd ever done was study, and I was a Yale student. But I had yet more learning to do.......
Please listen and believe what everyone on this forum is saying. Hold on to your dream and goal of being a doctor - you can accomplish this goal after you've learned to live with, accept, befriend (and I daresay love) epilepsy. Your intelligence is still intact.
I advise you to print out everyone's response and meditate on them. Affirm that you can be a doctor, even though you doubt it. The smoke will clear in time, and when it does, you will see your goals are attainable.
Chin up. :-)
Dont sit still, contact your student health center ! You are not the only student that has seizures and is depressed ! The more quickly you get meds for depression the less likely it will re occur. I know I was in the same space as you are at present. I finally got two graduate degrees! It is a tough road but with your intelligence you can do it. Just educate yourself on your condition, know as much as you possibly can about your diagnosis, medications, syndromes, and of course the professionals available to you as a student. For your family, let them know ! Or possibly contact your neurologist and have him/her refer you to someone local in your college town. And realize that your parents are always your support system and they care very deeply.
You socialand love life may be slowed down but not destroyed at all. Take care of yourself first!!!!you will become a wonderful wife in your future, but address your emotional and physical needs first. There are alot of options that you are unaware of at present and will be there when you need them. Trust me I know from my experience. You intellect is your guide, please use it .
Good luck and hang in there as it will have its ups and downs but you can do it !!!!!!
Hi doctorgirl,
First of all, you are not a whiny idiot, and I would guess that nobody in your life thinks of you that way. I am almost 50, and I have had epilepsy since I was 17. I've struggled with feelings of worthlessness my entire life, but I've come to realize that I have a medical condition, nothing more. Your epilepsy is not an indictment of your character, intelligence, or worth as a person. I think you know this to be true.
As far as intellectual or academic achievement is concerned, you needn't fear. Despite my epilepsy, I have an earned PhD, I have published, and I've taught college for years. You will become a doctor, and I would guess a pretty damn good one at that. Use your epilepsy as inspiration. Learn as much as you can about epilepsy, and focus your mind on a cure
This does not mean, however, that you won't have obstacles to overcome; or bigotry to face. That is simply our lot in life as people with epilepsy. But you are smart, accomplished, and you will get all you want out of life.
Chin up
I understand that at different points in our lives we feel less confident which can lead to depression if you let your thoughts run wild. My guess is that based on your intelligence and drive to succeed, you can achieve almost anything you set out to do with a few exceptions. You may hit a few bumps along the way but that should only make you stronger.
I remember having a seizure during my trial advocacy examination in front of my law school class. I was videotaped and my professor played the video for the class the following week. While I was so embarrassed, after my seizure and again after the video was played, my friends told me not to worry and to focus on all the times I had excelled. I suggest you do the same.
My husband and I are both lawyers and we have the sweetest little girl. She is bright, caring and does not have epilepsy. However, at the age of 8, she tells her friends they should support those with epilepsy and help find a cure.
You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Embrace it.
I hope this helps.
I can empathize with you completely. But don't let Epilepsy define you. I have had Grand Mal and Complex Partial seizures for 31 years since I was 7. I was always afraid of having them at school. I've had them at work before and spent my 18th birthday in the emergency room.....what a way to party! But I've found that being proactive and educating myself and using humor has been a great way to cope. I went to Catholic grade school where people used to associate it with evil, so I would crack jokes and be friends everyone. I ended up becoming school President. If you let it define you, it will destroy you. I don't wait for people to find out I'm Epileptic by the ambulance arriving. I tell them very sincerely, but casually how to handle situations. We joke about next time someone else getting hurt so I can see the hot firemen. You may or may not have more seizures. Your Dr. can do an EEG to determine how controlled you are on your meds. You can have a beautiful family. I have 2 incredibly wonderful daughters that are 100% healthy. Even if you marry someone else with Epilepsy, there is only a 5% chance of the child having Epilepsy as well. I own my own business and am writing 2 novels. You may not be able to be a cop or join the military, but for the most part.....you can be anything you want. Some of the greatest minds in history were Epileptic.......Julius Cesar, Einstein.....we are in good company. Hang in there!
~~~Life is a one lap race. It's not about winning; it's about enjoying the ride.~~~
hi,
epilepsy is at best difficult. the depression could be a direct effect from the seizures, or it could be a side of effect of your medication. i know you wrote the side effects you have. This may be one you didn't realize. the last thing, and maybe the first, is that you are clinically depressed and need to be treated for that. it is something that needs to be evaluated. Your life is ahead of you and depression can limit and/or destroy the dreams. It dose not have to be. check first to see if what you are going throught is clinical depression.
You have had a limited amount of experience with seizures. I hope it remains the same. The other part that is true is that your lack of experience leaves you with little coping mechanisms to deal with the multitude of stressors involved with seizures.
Now for my soap box. Having your personal value connected to what you do is not healthy. if you loose what you do then you have another fight. you have the more important part. the true value is in who you are. the spirit, will, and desire to be who you are.
continue with the work around your dream, don't give up because of depression or fear. the work may be school, it may be medical, it may be personal. It will take all to change the dream into a goal and the goal into a reality.
I am not a regilious person, but i do believe that there is something much bigger than me. I have learned to depend on that belief and trust it. beleive in who you are. hope it helps. rikk
I have had Epilepsy for over 27 years, including tonic-clonic, simple, complex partial, and atonic seizures. Nonetheless, I have completed 2 Master's degrees, can speak both English and Japanese, and have been published three times. Despite how imposing all that bragging sounds, if you take time to read my blog and my introduction (which I invite you to do), you will find a person who has sounded so scared and frail at times that even getting out of bed on some days was a major achievement.
I am not the only one. Take your time and read other people's stories on this website. There are so many fantastic people here that are loaded with experiences and information that they are willing to share with you if give them an opportunity.
Use the forum and ask more questions and do more research about other questions that you may have. You will find so many people like yourself. Good luck!
I had my first seizure when I was an undergrad too. I know how you feel.
Just remember this from Matthew 17:20--when Jesus cured the boy with epilepsy (everyone thought he was possessed by the Devil)
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "
I'm now seizure free (thanks to surgery) and a little bit of faith.
Dianne in CO: I am soooooo amazed about the things coming to pass in my life!!! I am not sure if any of you have done research on artificial sweetners but I have had my EYES OPENED to the dangers this week!! WOW!!! The the last time I commented on hear I was believing for healing. I have no desire, now, to have brain surgery. If you would like, simply put in the word "effects of aspartame" on this website. You will be AMAZED!! It has only been 4 days since my last once beloved "diet soda." My family can already tell a difference!!!!!!! I drank it by the gallon a day.
I just ran into an old friend today whom I hadn't seen in quite a few years!! She was visiting our church. This was after I started researching sweetners and began to drink water, milk, or tea with sugar!!! I gave her a big hug and the first thing out of her mouth was" I no longer have seizures! God has healed me!!" She also was blind and had other failures in her body. We talked about it and how she has learned to eat what nature produces. She hasnt been on meds in THREE years!!! She had tonic clonics!!!!!! She can SEE!!!!! Her body is completely being delivered all the other sicknesses she was fighting. Can you tell I am excited!!! PLEASE look this up!! It causes soooooo many different issues in our bodies. God has moved in a tremendous way for me. I ready to let the world know!!! He loves us!!! For by His stripes we are HEALED!! :oD I will stop for now but God bless you all in Jesus name!!!
Dianne in CO: Amen & amen. Life can be so confusing. And yet I feel so blessed because of what I have been through. I never would have dreamed that I would have gone through the things that I have been through. I have had surgery offered to me also. But right now I am in a holding pattern. I have seen way too many miracles to not believe in deliverance. Looking at the bigger picture has made me see that it is not about me. My God has a reason for it all. I see miracles coming to pass in all of our lives if we look to Him. The Creator of all. I know it may sound crazy, but He has a reason for what we go through. I am not afraid of what the future hold. For I know who holds the future. I have woke up in the hospital 3 times not knowing how I got there. But I am not afraid.:o) If you want to know more, just ask!!!!
You are an intelligent person inside and out! Remember that, there is a video of famous people who have had seizure disorders. I worked at UCLA Medical Center, have a Bachelors Degree in Social Ecology from UC Irvine. I went for what I wanted to do. Sometimes it took longer than what I expected but sometimes, even people without a seizure disorder it will take a longer time. I wanted to be a lawyer so I started working in a Police Dept. and got a taste of the Criminal Justice system and decided against it for me.
My neurologist suggested on going back to school and working in research or nursing and that is what I did. My seizures periodically got in the way but, I had opportunities of good jobs and each job I had was better and the last job was at UCLA Medical center. I met my husband. We have two children.
My high school algebra teacher said "Life is a Festival!" I will never forget it. We are only given what we can handle! I wish you the best of luck.
I have had 2 brain surgeries, a VNS. I am on Zonegran and Keppra and liquid Valium for flurry sz. If you have any questions you may e-mail anytime.