Intro
Created by justaboxat7/31/07 - 10:28 am|2 Comments
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UPDATED: Mon, 06/15/2009 - 2:00pm
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doctor...
Scared about life, depressed
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Hello everyone,
First, please do not think that I am a whiny idiot. I'm just really really scared.
I am a college student (just finished my first year). I was diagnosed with epilepsy the summer after I graduated from high school. I had probably had at least 6 or 7 seizures during the school year of my senior year of high school. I had always prided myself in being smart, hardworking, diligent, etc- the epitome of a good student. I got nearly perfect grades, all AP classes, and was valedictorian of my class. However, I started having seizures during classes. I went to the emergency room in ambulances at least 5 times during my senior year of high school. I have a good neurologist who prescribes me medication which gives me minimal side effects.
Despite all of this, I'm so scared. This may seem ridiculous, but I'm often paranoid, frightened of what the future holds for me. Despite the fact that I got into my first college choice, I feel like the world has basically fallen for me. I used to pride myself in what I did, especially academically; it used to boost my confidence up when I was not a preppy kid in high school. But now I am just depressed, crying all the time and feeling worthless about the future. I fear being labeled and called "stupid" and "crazy" by people who are around me, due to the stigma against this. While so many of my friends are getting boyfriends and girlfriends, I'm afraid, afraid to get married because I think that my genes with epilepsy will be passed on to my children, who will suffer like I do. I feel so stupid all the time, and despair about the future and what it entails for me. I fear that I will have a seizure in my sleep, choke, and most likely die. I had always dreamed about, and wished to become a doctor to help other people, ever since I could talk. However, it seems like I can't even help myself. I just wished I knew what to do. How to deal with this. How to cope with my worthless, shameful life.
Please help. Please just say anything, anything, because I cannot live without telling anyone this anymore. I do not believe that anyone (even my parents) could ever understand this. Thank you so so much!
-(worthless) doctorgirl
By doctor... at Mon, 06/15/2009 - 2:00pm | 131 views | 13 comments
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Recent Comments on this Discussion
I feel where you're coming from. None of what you described seems ridiculous. It's been a rough year for me, too, with a nasty breakthrough seizure, college graduation, continued unemployment, a rough break up, and a death in the family. Plus getting diagnosed with depression last month. I have felt paranoid and frightened of the future. The truth is, we all are. The thing you have to remember is that you can't let it get you down. You can't let you get to yourself by insisting that you're worthless or shameful. Epilepsy doesn't make you dumb, crazy, or weird. It makes you unique. How many people do you know who were valedictorian of their high school? And were accepted by their college of choice? How many of them had to contend with the challenge of epilepsy? That's how I prefer to see it: a challenge. My epilepsy is provoked by exercise. I ran my eleventh marathon in November. It doesn't make anything impossible. You can still accomplish whatever the hell you want, regardless of what anyone tells you. Go be a doctor. It sounds like you'd be a good one, and we can definitely use more of those. And most importantly, don't let fear keep you from living your life. You only get one shot at it. Do not let yourself miss out on fundamental experiences because you're afraid of what MIGHT happen. If you don't keep going, you can be sure that a lot of things WON'T happen. You have a better chance of dying from so many things that are outside your control other than choking in your sleep, especially if your medication keeps things under control. If people call you "crazy" or "stupid" because you have epilepsy, then you can write them off as ignorant and their opinions as worthless. Find a boyfriend. Get married. Have kids. Cross that bridge when you get to it. If they share your condition, then that's just one more thing you'll have in common. Embrace it and talk with them about it. I'm guessing I'm only about 3 years older than you are, so you have to take my word that you are wayyy too young to let your fears keep you from living the life you want to live this early. I feel like this stuff would be easier to tell a person face to face, but this is all the "wisdom" I've gathered since I was diagnosed 2 years ago. I also realize this post is about half a year old and I may be preaching to the choir, but please please please don't sign any more posts as "worthless." You've helped me realize some things about myself just by writing this, and that makes you worth something. All the feelings you have are pretty consistent with how I felt for a while. You'll get through it (if you haven't in the last six months) and I'd be willing to bet you'll come out a stronger person on the other side.
dear doctorgirl, very intelligent, great grades, got into the first college of your choice, now it sounds funny but consider yourself blessed, ive had seizures since i was 15, lost a year and a half worth of memory and i consider myself lucky (i tell you not for you to feel bad or sorry but to realize how lucky you are) .
right after i had moved to my new h.s. i had become sick with a fever, i went to the doctor many times, they said it was just a cold, a week and a half later my mom found me convulsing on the living room couch. i was driven to a near by hospital, on the way, im told, i had about 7 seizures. once at the hospital the Drs couldnt figure out what was going on so i was flown to another hospital (from Pocono to Lehigh valley hospital in PA) again Drs couldnt figure out what was causing me to have seizures but they had to stop them so they put me into a drug induced coma. i stayed like that for about 2 months (and later was in a coma for about a week on my own) meanwhile Drs tested me for everything. had a spinal tap and was checked for toxic shock syndrome (actually im glad i wasn’t with it enough to know about that one lol) they even tested me for rabies(about a week after i would have died from it).to this day they arent sure what the seizures it but they are guessing microencephalitis (basically my brain swelled)
anywho many things have happened since, I found out one of the guys that I was hanging out with at school was sent to juvenile detention and put under house arrest (and he was a sweet polite neat guy too, would have never guessed). being in the hospital kept me away from him and after coming back I didn’t remember many of his or my “friends” so we kinda lost touch (thank god). Also found out seizures run in my familly (staring and fever seizures). you said your not sure about having a family. my father started a family with my mother and im glad for it, all families have some kind of trouble and though this is a unpleasant thing to live with im happy to live, period. many other things could have happened to you woman, things that could have lasted a very short life time. your still alive and still... well you, i dont personally know you but i can say for sure that if i had that good of grades i sure as heck wouldn't call myself worthless... ive had seizures for 8 yrs now, luckily in my sleep (about 15 mins in) that wakes me up, numb left side, cant control my breathing or movements, nail marks in my fist, still semi-conscious but then it eases away and i fall back asleep and the next morning i live. life isnt worthless and it is not shameful to want to be the best you can be but you have to work with what your given And as far as becoming a Doctor OMG woman CALL ME when you graduate lol. sometimes it is hard to find people that understand but they are out there (i agree w/ graiza) and make sure you have a good Dr now. follow up on THEM and check the meds they give you, they are busy and its too important to just trust one person w/ the whole thing on a personal note: my Neurologist is Dr Jacqueline French, she used to be in PA but moved to NY. instead of getting a new one i take the bus to see her, shes been a blessing to me, whereas a former neurologist was convinced i was "just depressed and sometimes find ways to get attention" but that’s going somewhere else lol. anywho don’t let a little brain short get you so down, we all have our little things, after awhile you’ll feel better.
some people roll their eyes but i live by it, Everything happens for a reason. mine was to get away from the wrong people and closer with my family. Keep a open mind, Find your reason.
god bless ya woman .
Doctorgirl,
When I was first diagnosed at 19, I felt I was given a death sentence. I could not see the future - and it's hard to see the future when you've got seizures to deal with. Your feelings of being "stupid" and "crazy" is understandable, but try not to take these feelings seriously. Having seizures is not something you can directly "conquer". I was also a stellar and ambitious student - and I learned that I could not use the skill set I used for academics to combat my seizures. All I'd ever done was study, and I was a Yale student. But I had yet more learning to do.......
Please listen and believe what everyone on this forum is saying. Hold on to your dream and goal of being a doctor - you can accomplish this goal after you've learned to live with, accept, befriend (and I daresay love) epilepsy. Your intelligence is still intact.
I advise you to print out everyone's response and meditate on them. Affirm that you can be a doctor, even though you doubt it. The smoke will clear in time, and when it does, you will see your goals are attainable.
Chin up. :-)
Dont sit still, contact your student health center ! You are not the only student that has seizures and is depressed ! The more quickly you get meds for depression the less likely it will re occur. I know I was in the same space as you are at present. I finally got two graduate degrees! It is a tough road but with your intelligence you can do it. Just educate yourself on your condition, know as much as you possibly can about your diagnosis, medications, syndromes, and of course the professionals available to you as a student. For your family, let them know ! Or possibly contact your neurologist and have him/her refer you to someone local in your college town. And realize that your parents are always your support system and they care very deeply.
You socialand love life may be slowed down but not destroyed at all. Take care of yourself first!!!!you will become a wonderful wife in your future, but address your emotional and physical needs first. There are alot of options that you are unaware of at present and will be there when you need them. Trust me I know from my experience. You intellect is your guide, please use it .
Good luck and hang in there as it will have its ups and downs but you can do it !!!!!!
Hi doctorgirl,
First of all, you are not a whiny idiot, and I would guess that nobody in your life thinks of you that way. I am almost 50, and I have had epilepsy since I was 17. I've struggled with feelings of worthlessness my entire life, but I've come to realize that I have a medical condition, nothing more. Your epilepsy is not an indictment of your character, intelligence, or worth as a person. I think you know this to be true.
As far as intellectual or academic achievement is concerned, you needn't fear. Despite my epilepsy, I have an earned PhD, I have published, and I've taught college for years. You will become a doctor, and I would guess a pretty damn good one at that. Use your epilepsy as inspiration. Learn as much as you can about epilepsy, and focus your mind on a cure
This does not mean, however, that you won't have obstacles to overcome; or bigotry to face. That is simply our lot in life as people with epilepsy. But you are smart, accomplished, and you will get all you want out of life.
Chin up
I understand that at different points in our lives we feel less confident which can lead to depression if you let your thoughts run wild. My guess is that based on your intelligence and drive to succeed, you can achieve almost anything you set out to do with a few exceptions. You may hit a few bumps along the way but that should only make you stronger.
I remember having a seizure during my trial advocacy examination in front of my law school class. I was videotaped and my professor played the video for the class the following week. While I was so embarrassed, after my seizure and again after the video was played, my friends told me not to worry and to focus on all the times I had excelled. I suggest you do the same.
My husband and I are both lawyers and we have the sweetest little girl. She is bright, caring and does not have epilepsy. However, at the age of 8, she tells her friends they should support those with epilepsy and help find a cure.
You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Embrace it.
I hope this helps.
I can empathize with you completely. But don't let Epilepsy define you. I have had Grand Mal and Complex Partial seizures for 31 years since I was 7. I was always afraid of having them at school. I've had them at work before and spent my 18th birthday in the emergency room.....what a way to party! But I've found that being proactive and educating myself and using humor has been a great way to cope. I went to Catholic grade school where people used to associate it with evil, so I would crack jokes and be friends everyone. I ended up becoming school President. If you let it define you, it will destroy you. I don't wait for people to find out I'm Epileptic by the ambulance arriving. I tell them very sincerely, but casually how to handle situations. We joke about next time someone else getting hurt so I can see the hot firemen. You may or may not have more seizures. Your Dr. can do an EEG to determine how controlled you are on your meds. You can have a beautiful family. I have 2 incredibly wonderful daughters that are 100% healthy. Even if you marry someone else with Epilepsy, there is only a 5% chance of the child having Epilepsy as well. I own my own business and am writing 2 novels. You may not be able to be a cop or join the military, but for the most part.....you can be anything you want. Some of the greatest minds in history were Epileptic.......Julius Cesar, Einstein.....we are in good company. Hang in there!
~~~Life is a one lap race. It's not about winning; it's about enjoying the ride.~~~
hi,
epilepsy is at best difficult. the depression could be a direct effect from the seizures, or it could be a side of effect of your medication. i know you wrote the side effects you have. This may be one you didn't realize. the last thing, and maybe the first, is that you are clinically depressed and need to be treated for that. it is something that needs to be evaluated. Your life is ahead of you and depression can limit and/or destroy the dreams. It dose not have to be. check first to see if what you are going throught is clinical depression.
You have had a limited amount of experience with seizures. I hope it remains the same. The other part that is true is that your lack of experience leaves you with little coping mechanisms to deal with the multitude of stressors involved with seizures.
Now for my soap box. Having your personal value connected to what you do is not healthy. if you loose what you do then you have another fight. you have the more important part. the true value is in who you are. the spirit, will, and desire to be who you are.
continue with the work around your dream, don't give up because of depression or fear. the work may be school, it may be medical, it may be personal. It will take all to change the dream into a goal and the goal into a reality.
I am not a regilious person, but i do believe that there is something much bigger than me. I have learned to depend on that belief and trust it. beleive in who you are. hope it helps. rikk
I have had Epilepsy for over 27 years, including tonic-clonic, simple, complex partial, and atonic seizures. Nonetheless, I have completed 2 Master's degrees, can speak both English and Japanese, and have been published three times. Despite how imposing all that bragging sounds, if you take time to read my blog and my introduction (which I invite you to do), you will find a person who has sounded so scared and frail at times that even getting out of bed on some days was a major achievement.
I am not the only one. Take your time and read other people's stories on this website. There are so many fantastic people here that are loaded with experiences and information that they are willing to share with you if give them an opportunity.
Use the forum and ask more questions and do more research about other questions that you may have. You will find so many people like yourself. Good luck!
I had my first seizure when I was an undergrad too. I know how you feel.
Just remember this from Matthew 17:20--when Jesus cured the boy with epilepsy (everyone thought he was possessed by the Devil)
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "
I'm now seizure free (thanks to surgery) and a little bit of faith.
Dianne in CO: I am soooooo amazed about the things coming to pass in my life!!! I am not sure if any of you have done research on artificial sweetners but I have had my EYES OPENED to the dangers this week!! WOW!!! The the last time I commented on hear I was believing for healing. I have no desire, now, to have brain surgery. If you would like, simply put in the word "effects of aspartame" on this website. You will be AMAZED!! It has only been 4 days since my last once beloved "diet soda." My family can already tell a difference!!!!!!! I drank it by the gallon a day.
I just ran into an old friend today whom I hadn't seen in quite a few years!! She was visiting our church. This was after I started researching sweetners and began to drink water, milk, or tea with sugar!!! I gave her a big hug and the first thing out of her mouth was" I no longer have seizures! God has healed me!!" She also was blind and had other failures in her body. We talked about it and how she has learned to eat what nature produces. She hasnt been on meds in THREE years!!! She had tonic clonics!!!!!! She can SEE!!!!! Her body is completely being delivered all the other sicknesses she was fighting. Can you tell I am excited!!! PLEASE look this up!! It causes soooooo many different issues in our bodies. God has moved in a tremendous way for me. I ready to let the world know!!! He loves us!!! For by His stripes we are HEALED!! :oD I will stop for now but God bless you all in Jesus name!!!
Dianne in CO: Amen & amen. Life can be so confusing. And yet I feel so blessed because of what I have been through. I never would have dreamed that I would have gone through the things that I have been through. I have had surgery offered to me also. But right now I am in a holding pattern. I have seen way too many miracles to not believe in deliverance. Looking at the bigger picture has made me see that it is not about me. My God has a reason for it all. I see miracles coming to pass in all of our lives if we look to Him. The Creator of all. I know it may sound crazy, but He has a reason for what we go through. I am not afraid of what the future hold. For I know who holds the future. I have woke up in the hospital 3 times not knowing how I got there. But I am not afraid.:o) If you want to know more, just ask!!!!
You are an intelligent person inside and out! Remember that, there is a video of famous people who have had seizure disorders. I worked at UCLA Medical Center, have a Bachelors Degree in Social Ecology from UC Irvine. I went for what I wanted to do. Sometimes it took longer than what I expected but sometimes, even people without a seizure disorder it will take a longer time. I wanted to be a lawyer so I started working in a Police Dept. and got a taste of the Criminal Justice system and decided against it for me.
My neurologist suggested on going back to school and working in research or nursing and that is what I did. My seizures periodically got in the way but, I had opportunities of good jobs and each job I had was better and the last job was at UCLA Medical center. I met my husband. We have two children.
My high school algebra teacher said "Life is a Festival!" I will never forget it. We are only given what we can handle! I wish you the best of luck.
I have had 2 brain surgeries, a VNS. I am on Zonegran and Keppra and liquid Valium for flurry sz. If you have any questions you may e-mail anytime.