We know so little about the human brain, and even less about the mind.

Each scientist has a hand on a different part of the elephant.  No one gets the whole picture because it is unfathomable.

My body started doing weird stuff in early December, 2009.  Heart felt like it was in a vise; my balance was off kilter; was having difficulty with short term memory deficit. I decided to see a doctor; not a normal course of action for me because I am uninsured and generally in good health and would rather not support the health care industry's ludicrous cost structure.  Long story short, I go see a neurologist. Spend thousand of dollars on all sorts of tests from blood work to MRIs and EMGs.  Finally, the EEG. It comes back abnormal, a disturbance in the left temporal lobe.  His diagnosis? Epilepsy, TLE.

The neurologist presribed Carbamazepine, which was the worst Rx for me. Caused terrible head aches (until then, I never fully appreciated what people meant when they said they had a head ache) and gave me a mouth full of sores. Within two weeks, the Rx was affecting blood counts. Worse is that the seizures were also increasing in intensity and frequency, occurring back-to-back. Head aches were awful. I no longer recognized myself. The voice was not mine. I could not move like me. I was behaving emotionally and irrationally. I had great difficulty with simple calculations. My greatest fear was that I could be rendered permanently impaired.

I complained to the neurologist, "I feel like my brain is pushing me out!" He then switched Rx to Keppra. That was a big no-no. Did he not know? Did the pharmacist not know what I later learned after basic research?  Keppra increases the toxicity of Carbamazepine. So, there I was, getting broker, looking like a short circuiting C-3P0, and getting sticker shock every time I had to pay for meds with the VISA credit card --the All American Life Insurance Policy.  Meanwhile, seizures were worse than ever. Fewer and fewer "inter-ictal" periods. I call them WINDOWS, periods when I am seizure free.

SEEK SECOND OPINION  I really wanted to go off the meds. The second neurologist helped me titrate off the shit.  That was almost one week ago. For about 72 hours after last dose (500 mg Keppra), seizures continued unabated.  Then, suddenly, it was like crossing a threshold.  Things aren't perfect, but way better.

It was not so effective, of course, to seek this second opinion while suffering from IATROGENIC seizures. They were induced by meds AND did not at all resemble what first compelled me to seek help. So be it.  Given my history and his take on the EEG, the second neurologist does not believe I have Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, but that the seizures are psychogenic.

WHAT'S MY POINT?  For the brain, and the body, a seizure is a seizure. Before I even saw a general practitioner, what was happening to me physically and cognitively so impaired me that it was terrifying. And I do not scare easy.  Getting the initial diagnosis of TLE was somewhat surprising. "Who'd a thunk it!" The more I learned about epilepsy, however, the more i realized that the medical world realizes how little it knows every time someone somewhere makes a new discovery. 

TLE is a huge catch-all diagnosis. So, if we don't know the etiology, how can we possibly treat the seizures effectively?  

Over the past 50 years of my life here on Planet earth, my brain has experienced plenty of trauma, physically, mentally, and chemically.  I urge you to take the time to learn about how the brain processes emotions, especially the amygdala when stressed. You'll learn that "mere emotions" can hit us as hard a sledge hammer and cause as much damage. 

PSYCHOGENIC does not mean that you "made it all up"!  Psychogenic means that if I want to recover, then I need to be far more AWARE of what I am doing and what affects me.  Stress is a killer. Fact.  My game plan?  Reduce stress. Reaffirm the meaningful connections in my life. I already lead a healthy life, very active physically, tight network of friends. I do not drink or do drugs, though I did spend years of my life struggling with alcoholism, which for me is really another from of mental illness.  A "mentally healthy" alcoholic is not going to self-destruct by choosing to drink or by abusing substances or by "self-medicating" for relief.  By the age of nine, I was using alcohol and pills to find relief.  And believe me, it wasn't TLE that was causing such deep anguish back then. And while I may, as a child, have experienced what could have been diagnosed as partial seizures or even complex partial seizures, who's to know what provoked it? 

 To HEAL means to BE WHOLE.  For me, the seizures -- both psychogenic and iatrogenic -- so fragmented my life that they reduced me to the threat of being permanently invalidated.  That is not the life I want or choose.  

It is very important to prevent the seizures, whatever their cause, from grooving their own
neural network in the brain. Prevent that pattern from establishing. When I feel a seizure coming on, I counteract it by doing the Samba. It works for me. Who knows? Maybe it's comic relief. Clearly, my body does better when I keep moving.

HELP YOUR MEMORY WORK  To help me remember stuff when the short term memory is less reliable, I say aloud what it is I need to know while doing something physical. For example, I will repeat "I took my vitamin today!" or "I must mail the rent check!" while squeezing a stress ball or stroking the cat or doing the samba or washing the dishes. This pushes the info into long-term memory. Easier to recall. 

Take really good care of yourself. Stay open honest and willing and continue to find out what helps you best. 

Life is a journey. Recovery, a path.