Hi everybody -

I'm new here, and I wanted to check in about something I'm not sure about. 

I believe I've been having seizures for much of my 43 years, but I was never diagnosed, and the issues I had as a kid were always treated like behavioral problems that I could overcome, rather than a medical issue.

I can remember many, many times as a kid, being transfixed -- frozen in place, while this otherworldly sense would wash over me. I also have memories of my mother being horrified by the "terrible" look on my face and my aggressive outbursts towards my siblings. I was a very intense kid, depressed and "heavy" a lot of the time. But I was also very happy, too. My dad was a minister, and my family was very involved in the church, so my outbursts and aggression was always treated like it was "sin" that needed to be forgiven. I just needed to pray, I was told, and I would get better.

I tried praying like crazy, but unfortunately it didn't "take". My family basically gave up on me, and I went on my own way in the world. I have had multiple head traumas, which have also contributed to my difficulties. In spite of it all, I'm living a very productive, mostly positive and happy life. Except for when I'm not, if you know what I mean.

I have had many episodes throughout my youth and adulthood of being frozen in place and flooded with bliss/ecstasy... OR being suddenly plunged down into a very dark place, just out of nowhere. Those bad episodes often happened when I was under stress/wasn't getting enough sleep, or I was very overwhelmed with sensations. I'm in an 18-year marriage, and my partner has really borne the brunt of my sudden "fits", which I could never control, and which always made me feel horribly guilty and defective afterwards.

I have not seen a lot of change over the years, until the past six months or so. Back in April, I had an episode where I was actually frozen in place and started to spasm (my hand and face), and then I "went down the dark hole" and ended up hurting myself a little to stop the downward spiral. I don't want to go there again.

About three weeks later, I was with family and was very overwhelmed, and we were at a family outing, when  I suddenly became blind and deaf and could not move for about 5-10 seconds. Nobody noticed it -- everybody was caught up in their own excitement -- but I suddenly became aware that I couldn't see or hear anything. And I couldn't move. It wasn't scary. It was actually a relief!

Then, over the following month, I had several episodes of my eyes and head being pulled to the upper left side  of where I was looking -- in the shower while I was getting ready for work, as well as at work, when I was at my computer. It didn't frighten me, but it seemed strange. And I also noticed myself being absent for a short period while I was driving -- and my fingers were picking at my buttons, which is something I would never do on my own.

I've been doing research on this, and I keep seeing "This is a medical emergency - seek help immediately!" on websites. But I'm not sure what I should do. I'm the sole breadwinner for my family, and I have a good job. I don't want to lose it all, because of something that's been with me my whole life and hasn't caused any disasters (yet). But I also don't want to endanger myself or others.

I'm trying to keep "chill" and keep my stress down... that seems to be helping. But I'm concerned about the possibility of something happening, and I'm not sure how/when to go about finding out about this whole situation. I have a hard time articulating things to my doctor(s) and I don't want to end up getting sucked into the medical system and given all these expensive tests and have to surrender my license, if there's not something seriously wrong.

I want to find help, but I'm not sure where to start. Can somebody give me a reality check and tell me if you think this is the kind of thing that I should follow up on immediately? 

I just don't know...

Thanks in advance for your input.

K Rainey