I can totally relate to everything being said here.   I think there is so much anger that we direct at ourselves because so many things are out of our control.  I know I find myself getting angry and confused and often feel as though I am no longer in control of what goes on in my head.  Finding this site has been a Godsend.  To realize how many others out there are going through the same things as I am.  It really makes me feel so less alone.  And as others have said, we can all listen and support each other here.  To know others out there are surviving and functioning with all the problems associated with this terrible condition keeps me going.  When I get really down I come here and start reading what others have to say and it helps to lift me out of that dark place where no one one really wants to be.  There are so many great people here all willing to help.  Maybe some day the rest of the public will understand but at least we have each other.  I encourage everyone to ask questions and chat with people on this site.  We all have things to contribute to the world and each other. I don't want to sound like Norman Vincent Peale, but don't let yourself start down those spiral stairs.  Share your thoughts with others here.  It can be a terribly difficult situation to cope with but we are here for each other!

Kevinmo99, boy do we hear you.  You have a lot of company, my man.  Hopefully, that fact alone will be somewhat encouraging for you.  My story?  I'm 56.  I worked my tail off all my life to get good grades, went to a good law school, finished close to the top of my class, worked my tail off even harder in a very stressful profession and made partner at a big top tier law firm (which ain't easy), and then .... out of the blue I had a gran mal seizure in 1994.  It's been downhill from there.  The meds (Dilantin, Lorazepam) controlled the seizures, but there was nothing to control the meds; i.e., I suffered every side effect in the book from Dilantin.  Among them, I am always extremely fatigued, I got the unwanted body hair side effect in recent years which makes me look gross, I can't get to sleep before 6 am, and then I have very disturbing dreams, etc. etc.  Worse, from day one, these drugs have significantly impaired my mental acuity and my my memory.  Mental acuity and a great memory are THE two most important assets a lawyer must have, especially me as a partner handling big deals and who was expected to bring in big revenue for my large firm.  My solution was to work more and more hours, and more and more days.  Wasn't unusual for me to work 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week for 3 weeks straight, just trying to accomplish in a competent fashion what I used to be able to do in 10 hours a day, 5 days a week.  All of this made me even more exhausted than usual.  I still was practicing competently, but I just couldn't work enough billable hours.  I became a part-time partner, then had to give up my partnership, and then became a part-time contract attorney at the firm.  Even that was too much, and 5 years ago I had to go on disability because I no longer could cut the mustard.  I tried every other drug available, but nothing helped.  Worse, Dilantin makes me very irritable and moody, even when taking a drug like Prozac.  Started to experience erectile dysfunction in recent years, so I went off the Prozac for awhile, and then after a lot of testing the doctors realized it was the Dilantin and Lorazepam causing the problem, but nothing helps.  So, my sexual life went to zero, which was a huge blow since I've been married almost 30 years.  My fatigue is so extreme that I've missed every family outing and vacation for the past 5 years (I have 2 kids in high school).  There's a lot of pressure is on my wife to help support the family and hold things together.  My erratic, grumpy behavior (solely dued to Dilantin; I used to be a sweet guy, even for a lawyer) has alienated my family, to the point where I just moved out of my house into an apartment so my family can get some relief from me.  It's the pits.  But Kevinmo99, you and I have just gotta hang in.  It's not our fault that we got nailed by this lousy condition.  We did nothing to ask for this.  The God of Other People didn't see fit to equip us with the right stuff.  But we need to give each other support.  There's just got to be hope for us.  The alternative of ending it IS worse.  You and I and the millions worldwide in our boots can't give up just because we're not a member of the genetically blessed club.  We are of the world, but not mainstream participants in it, it's true.  But we have a large brotherhood and sisterhood who really, really understand us and get it and love us with all our issues -- namely, all the epileptics out there who suffer daily with this tough, tough condition.  Grab whatever minor bit of life that makes things bearable in the moment.  For me, it's car magazines, TV (lots), i-Tunes, good salads, whatever can make the day pass.  Because there ARE those moments when I really laugh at movies (Superbad!), or love the cars I read about.  I want to continue to have those moments even though I may be blue a lot of the day, or feel isolated, misundertstood and alone.  Hang in.  We understand you.  Our brains just don't work right.  Not our fault.  Try to control the bitterness and the anger.  Everybody else's brain works different from ours, and no matter how you slice it, it IS hard to fit in or get them to understand us as we are.  BUT HANG IN.  With age comes perspective.