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Suicidal Thoughts

I am a 55 year old female. I have had epilepsy all my life. I was not diagnosed until I was 15. After trying dilantin and a few other medications my neurologist put me on Tegretol. I have been on that for about 40 years. I was still having over 100 petimal seizures a month for many years. At 35 I was forced to retire bacause of my seizures. I was placed on different medications over the years but none of them worked for me. There were bad side effects or they just didn't help my seizures at all. About 15 years ago, I had the VNS therapy implant put in me. It lowered my seizures from over 100 a month to about 10 a month. My neurologist still wasn't happy about that. I was ecstatic about it! About 10 years ago, my neurologist put me on Levetiracetam (generic Keppra). I am currentlly taking 800 mg of Tegretol and 5000 mg of Levetiracetam a day. I had left temperal lobe surgery about 5 years ago. I have stopped having seizures but I will have to continue to take medications for the rest of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think of just ending my life. I hate myself and my life. I can't go back to work and I still can't get a drivers licence. EVER! Any amout of stress, tension or pressure can trigger me into a seizure per my neurologist and my brain surgeon. These feeling all started when I was placed on the Levetiracetam. I have told my neurologist and my general practioner for many years now. Neither of them seem concerned. As long as my seizures are under control is the important part to them. I tried to commit suicide about 4 years ago and failed. I just hate the life I have had to live. My moods were not effect years ago, any where like they are now. I was married for 20 years when my husband came to me out of no where and asked me for a divorce. He couldn't handle my mood disorders any longer. He said that he was going to ask me for the past 10 years. I don't know if it is the Levetiracetam or the surgery that is makeing me feel this way or a mix of the two. None of my doctors seem concerned about it. I see a therapist every week for help and I'm not feeling any better. Any input from other people that have been on large doses of Levetiracetam as well as having brain surgery? I'm very lost and confused by all of this. I hate having epilepsy!!!!

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