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How to get my mom to chill

Sat, 08/21/2010 - 01:40
Okay so I've been having grand mal seizures for the past 3ish weeks and they've gotten worse in the last week and a half. I've gotten everything done MRIs, I had a three day EEG which was miserable for me because my doctor only let me sleep for about 9ish bours the whole time I was there. I'm 17 years old and I really need to get my mom to chill because her freaking out everytime I have a seizure is not helping. I used to get them all the time when I was younger because I would get super high fevers but lately out of no where I'll just have a seizure...there'll be no real reason why sometimes I know I'm going to have one when I get really cold even though I'm in a comfortable temperature...but I'm not sure what to tell my mom so that she'll chill out. She has gone completely insane, putting a baby monitor in my room, not letting me drive (I uderstand this), emptied the pool, put baby gates at the top and bottom of the stairs she even got me a lower bed and if I turn on my computer the light in my bedroom automatically goes on. She's really taking this too far and she needs to stop worrying. I understand that she cares and doesn't want me to get hurt but this is not helping anyone. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I need to be a little more independent because if I'm not I don't know what I'm going to do when I go to university. I hate having seizures all the time and I hate the way my mom is acing like a crazy psycho. what can I do to get her to chill out?!?! She's driving me nuts!!!!!

Comments

Re: How to get my mom to chill

Submitted by BarbG on Sat, 2010-08-21 - 07:16

Hi thecap,

I am writing from the experience of having seizures as a teen (and now again as a 48 year old). I have 2 teen daughters and fortunately they do not have seizures but I can relate on two different levels. I can understand your feelings of not only wanting more independence, but needing it on a developmental level. At your age, you want things to be as normal as they absolutely can be and to have as much independence as your peers. You are getting at an age where a lot of parents are starting to let their kids go a little and your mom is clinging tighter. I am sure you feel  like you may never get the independence you need and deserve, and you are looking for the scissors (or even chain saw if needed) to cut the apron strings.

I am also a mom of teenage daughters. As parents we are charged with being responsible for taking care of our children and keeping them safe. Very hard to do as a mother with a child with a chronic (and scary) condition as epilepsy. It is nearly impossible for a mother to completely control this or maintain control of everything to prevent them or make sure nothing permanently bad happens. As much as her behavior is driving you crazy, the unpredictability of seizures, I am sure, is driving her crazy. Not to make you feel bad or guilty, but also try to put yourself in her shoes as well. Imagine how helpless you would feel (hard to imagine before you actually have your own kids but give it a shot). Believe it or not, I am sure your mother wants to be able to let you mature, grow and be independent and become an adult. That is why we put so much time and attention on you as young ones and do the best we can do...to try to help you develop into an independent, happy adult. I am sure your mother wants to be able to let you do normal things that your peers do but may be having a difficult time letting go because she is stuck on the what if....What if I let her (meaning you) do such and such and something bad happens...as a parent she would feel responsible and if something bad/permanent happened would have a hard time living with it. But believe me as an adult after investing many years in watching you grow up and trying to keep safe, she probably needs and wants a break to let you do things on  your own too. It may not seem like it but us moms want a life too sometimes.

Still you deserve as normal a life as you can have. My suggestions would be 1) do your best to try to empathize with her position so even if you feel and want the same things (and you will) that you can at least partially understand how scary it would be for her. 2) Talk to her and let her know that you have thought about it and understand how concerned she must be and you love her very much for her concern (shows a mom that her daughter is maturing and makes it easier to treat her as an adult) 3) Make a list of things that you would like to do that you think are reasonable (or would like your mother to stop doing), try to prioritize in steps....(i.e. take away the baby gates before you get the drivers license) 4) Consider the what ifs yourself and how they can be addressed. I am a worry wart...I probably would have had more seizures from the stress if my daughters had E. My boyfriend is very good about helping me approach my worries from a purely logical point of view...if x happens, I will handle it by doing y...helps me worry much less and do things I wouldn't otherwise do because of fear or illogical worry). 5). If you need help, talk to the neurologist (or even a counselor with experience with E) about what you could do to loosen restrictions safely and minimize your risks. Do your best to address her fears and concerns with a logical way that you would handle it to keep  yourself as safe as possible. 6) Biggie... act responsibly. If you remember to take your meds on time, get the right amount of sleep (and I KNOW that it a challenge at your age when a lot of the fun activiities and parties are late night and teens tend to stay up late which can be a big problem during school when wake time may not be flexible), avoid alcohol and drugs and eliminate or reduce caffeine and eat healthy and reduce unnecessary stress. All those are hard to do, even I as an adult dont' always do as I should (and still drive my own worry wart mother a little crazy at times). But the more responsible you act, the easier it is for your mother to let go and the easier to have an advocate (doctor, counselor, teacher) help you on your behalf with assisting your mother in letting go.  If you want to contact me for specific ideas or other suggestions feel free or if you want help getting your mom to understand your point of view as well, feel free to have her contact me. I hope this helps...best of luck as you pursue your independence!

BarbG (bawgmom@aol.com) - my name is Barb

Hi thecap,

I am writing from the experience of having seizures as a teen (and now again as a 48 year old). I have 2 teen daughters and fortunately they do not have seizures but I can relate on two different levels. I can understand your feelings of not only wanting more independence, but needing it on a developmental level. At your age, you want things to be as normal as they absolutely can be and to have as much independence as your peers. You are getting at an age where a lot of parents are starting to let their kids go a little and your mom is clinging tighter. I am sure you feel  like you may never get the independence you need and deserve, and you are looking for the scissors (or even chain saw if needed) to cut the apron strings.

I am also a mom of teenage daughters. As parents we are charged with being responsible for taking care of our children and keeping them safe. Very hard to do as a mother with a child with a chronic (and scary) condition as epilepsy. It is nearly impossible for a mother to completely control this or maintain control of everything to prevent them or make sure nothing permanently bad happens. As much as her behavior is driving you crazy, the unpredictability of seizures, I am sure, is driving her crazy. Not to make you feel bad or guilty, but also try to put yourself in her shoes as well. Imagine how helpless you would feel (hard to imagine before you actually have your own kids but give it a shot). Believe it or not, I am sure your mother wants to be able to let you mature, grow and be independent and become an adult. That is why we put so much time and attention on you as young ones and do the best we can do...to try to help you develop into an independent, happy adult. I am sure your mother wants to be able to let you do normal things that your peers do but may be having a difficult time letting go because she is stuck on the what if....What if I let her (meaning you) do such and such and something bad happens...as a parent she would feel responsible and if something bad/permanent happened would have a hard time living with it. But believe me as an adult after investing many years in watching you grow up and trying to keep safe, she probably needs and wants a break to let you do things on  your own too. It may not seem like it but us moms want a life too sometimes.

Still you deserve as normal a life as you can have. My suggestions would be 1) do your best to try to empathize with her position so even if you feel and want the same things (and you will) that you can at least partially understand how scary it would be for her. 2) Talk to her and let her know that you have thought about it and understand how concerned she must be and you love her very much for her concern (shows a mom that her daughter is maturing and makes it easier to treat her as an adult) 3) Make a list of things that you would like to do that you think are reasonable (or would like your mother to stop doing), try to prioritize in steps....(i.e. take away the baby gates before you get the drivers license) 4) Consider the what ifs yourself and how they can be addressed. I am a worry wart...I probably would have had more seizures from the stress if my daughters had E. My boyfriend is very good about helping me approach my worries from a purely logical point of view...if x happens, I will handle it by doing y...helps me worry much less and do things I wouldn't otherwise do because of fear or illogical worry). 5). If you need help, talk to the neurologist (or even a counselor with experience with E) about what you could do to loosen restrictions safely and minimize your risks. Do your best to address her fears and concerns with a logical way that you would handle it to keep  yourself as safe as possible. 6) Biggie... act responsibly. If you remember to take your meds on time, get the right amount of sleep (and I KNOW that it a challenge at your age when a lot of the fun activiities and parties are late night and teens tend to stay up late which can be a big problem during school when wake time may not be flexible), avoid alcohol and drugs and eliminate or reduce caffeine and eat healthy and reduce unnecessary stress. All those are hard to do, even I as an adult dont' always do as I should (and still drive my own worry wart mother a little crazy at times). But the more responsible you act, the easier it is for your mother to let go and the easier to have an advocate (doctor, counselor, teacher) help you on your behalf with assisting your mother in letting go.  If you want to contact me for specific ideas or other suggestions feel free or if you want help getting your mom to understand your point of view as well, feel free to have her contact me. I hope this helps...best of luck as you pursue your independence!

BarbG (bawgmom@aol.com) - my name is Barb

Re: How to get my mom to chill

Submitted by fxdlnow on Sat, 2010-08-21 - 08:51

I am the parent of a epileptic son (32) I still worry everyday and will untill.........  as for mom... communicate....like babr says..... make lists of plans..... dos and donts.....

my son had the tle surgery...... still having seizures...... We are bummed out... good luck and god bless you all 

 

I am the parent of a epileptic son (32) I still worry everyday and will untill.........  as for mom... communicate....like babr says..... make lists of plans..... dos and donts.....

my son had the tle surgery...... still having seizures...... We are bummed out... good luck and god bless you all 

 

Re: How to get my mom to chill

Submitted by smallsock on Sat, 2010-08-21 - 15:37
One thing that should be helpful is for you and your Mom to talk to your doctor about the things you can still do.  Often when a person is sick, even temporary, there is more effort to restrict the person than help develop the things you can still do.  Make your doctor give you specific information about what is allowed and what is not, and I guess you will probably have to be willing to give and take.  Giving you a long laundry list of things you can't do without replacing those activities with SOMETHING you would enjoy is wrong. Doing this with your doctor should help your mother's fears.  She is probably just scared and means well. 

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