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walking on eggshells
Thu, 02/23/2006 - 16:21
Hello everyone,
Have you ever felt as though you were walking on egg shells just too feel comfertable around your own family? I have felt a uneast tension between my boyfriend and myself for sometime now, he does not ask how my day was any more, nor does he talk too me as openly about things as he used too and I am not allowed to cry infront of him.
I have come to realize I live in a world I no longer fit in with nor do I understand it any more. Why are people so affraid to educate themselves regarding our disorders? Why do they have to make jokes and brush off what is important to you s though it is'nt important enough to look at, listen too or even care?
I am trying to figure out who I really am as a person and want too be accepted as me, not looked at differently because of a disorder I have little controll over. What little controll of my life I have left appears to only be important to me. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I have a disorder and will never have total independance again? I am affraid to make new friends because I don't want to go through the hurt of looesing them.
My mood swings I no longer understand, I don't even know where they comefrm not alone understand what triggered them. I am not as patcient as I used too be either, and wish I felt good about myself and what I see in the mirror but have no idea as too how to reach that place in my heart.
Is all of this normal or am I finally looesing it?
Joyce
Comments
Re: walking on eggshells
Submitted by sharonw on Thu, 2006-02-23 - 21:34
Hi Joyce,
You are definately not losing it. You just sound really down. Have you spoken to your dr. about your feelings? Sometimes depression can leave us feeling like we are completely isolated, especially from those we love. It's like we have this void and we look for them to fill it, which leads to frustration,anger and sorrow when they can't. Just remember, it's usually not an intentional snub by our loved ones. Like you said, it's just difficult for them to understand and,sometimes, a little bit scary because they hate to see you hurting and maybe feel a bit helpless. I pushed my husband away so I wouldn't have to feel so rejected all the time which of course ended with me feeling more rejected than ever!
I found that the only person that could fill that big hole I felt I had inside me was ME! Believe it or not (it took awhile) I did it. I started looking for the joy in life again and I found it in the little things. I started REALLY playing with my kids everyday, becoming a kid again, even if it was just for moments here and there. I started to notice how good it felt to lie in the grass, or watch my garden grow. I started enjoying music again, turning it up and singing and dancing around if I felt like it. It happened slowly but I started to notice I didn't mind what I saw in the mirror so much. I could even smile at myself. And my loved ones starting smiling a bit more around me as well.
I can't pretend to know what it's like to deal with epilepsy. My brother has been having grand mals for a year now, which is why I'm on this site looking for ways to help. I just read your posts and felt I could relate to the negative feelings you are experiencing. You have more reason than most to be feeling down and I know you are pretty isolated where you're living. Just know there's a girl way down in Tasmania listening and sending lots of happy thoughts your way!!!
Joyce, The next time someone
Submitted by terrij on Thu, 2006-02-23 - 19:06
Joyce, The next time someone says something stupid or hurtful to you, you remind yourself that you were wonderfully and fearfully made from the very beginning.Ive had epilepsy 44years,only 11yrs I had complex partial but thats when my life was turned upside down.Hey,it took me 1.5yrs to finsh cosmetalogy school when it should have only taken 9months!But when I was seizureing I wouldnt go to school.And dont be to hard on your boyfriend because they really dont know what to say or do.And bele ive me,after 20 years of marriage my husband still makes jokes of me of places in the house and else were that he has found at.We laugh now but it wasnt very funny then.The unknown scares most people and some just cant deal with it.But one day when your older like me and you look back you laugh to.terri