information is a funny thing

here i am, 48 years old, almost 49, and i have had the big e most of my life. i have abscecne, partial, partial complex, generalized, grande mals, some time i'm aware but cant speak, some time i lose my hearing for a minute or 2. some time time i wander around and wonder how i got to that place, i have eaten a bag of cookies with no knowlege that i ate them but an empty bag, i fed my kids ice cream for breakfast when they were young 4,6, and 8. and went thru that whole day with them not reemembering the day. they told there dad how fun i was that day. scary stuff huh? i have the best epilespy spesilist avalable, up until jan 1 he ws the head of baylor college of medicne neurology dept. he just went into private practice and i followed him. i don't ever want to lose him. the funny thing is i know so much about epilepsy and the differnt medications since they tried them all on me be for they found 3 to work together to semi control my seizures. i have so much information in my head it's amazing to me since i have trouble remembering names of peple, and spelling and reading a book is useless. but over all thse years all the info repeated over and over by my patient doctors it sunk in. so why am i so scared to go to sleep at night? i know if i have a seizure i just sleep it off the next day. i am so good at helping others, so why can't i help myself? i get really tired of always feeling hazy upstairs. my memory on the whole really sucks, pills or the brain damage from seizures they say i have? yes, it's funny my brain is great for all of you, but it fails me all the time. Sylvia