i dont know

call me Ismeal. I 've been reading books on suicide, freud, Menniger searching the web, looking to see if seizures suicide differs for other normal suicide, suprising it does not.I don't understand why not. And thought this has been an abstract interest, I think my thoughts are , my dialogues at night seem to becoming more and more drawn to the courage it must take to find an end to this, its not depression, I'm not unhappy, its more philosophical, perhaps that why hI haven't done anything or perhaps won't, only in fantasy perhaps. At first they thought these seiuzes were PTSD. It was idifficult working with a boss (my friend commited suicide about a year aftter I started to have seizures. Last week a friend had a massive hearth attack, than another a motorcyle accident, they amputatec one leg than an arm buthe bleed out too much. Im almost pushing myself almost as if its some form of dreamthat Im somhow disappearing and need to just do something depression is a word an idiot uses to not have to take responsibilities, perhaps that existentialism who knows Ive read and understood enought about freud's giving up grand ideals for everyday unhappiness. Perhaps without the seizures, i would still feel the same seuzures havent made my life any worse then it was beforewhat's depressing is listening to people talk in sound bites about life, about connection, as if one wants to have some soundbite life, unconscious of oneself and a mask to pretend. It could happen its easier enought to put on the facial expression and throw out all the words that the 12 stepper's do about fighting their diease. why Im writing this is beyond me, perhaps i need to see the words and read them rather than just think them in order to make some sort of choice and dont make me laugh with the cronic depression and the happy pills, talk to someone so that they can give you a new narrative, a new story, so you can learn the sound bites and be happy liike everyone else, one big mob hug. I bought a bike lock its a long piece of wire, i look at it and say that that would be perfect, no I dont say it I thought it after robin william made his choice. in the long run we will all be in nursing homes staring out the window.