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Frontal Lobe Epilepsy and Emotions

Wed, 02/22/2006 - 03:30
Maybe this has been discussed and I didn't see it, maybe not. I had an appointment with my epileptologist today and I had a burning question. I'll interrupt myself to say this: often if you go to a surgeon he's going to be looking for a surgical solution to whatever problem you bring in; if you go to a dermatologist he's going to be looking for a skin problem, if you go to a psychiatrist he'll be looking for an emotional problem and a neurologist will be looking for a neurological problem. This is not my original wise deduction. I've had several doctors in my career tell me this. It's been stated to me in the context of why people are shuffled from one speciality to another. Each speciality see's a person's stated problem in the context of their speciality. In a limited way, that makes sense to me. Background: since I was diagnosed with epilepsy and even somewhat before I was diagnosed when I did have mild epilepsy but didn't know it, especially when I was pregnant and going through menapause, I could have sudden, startling, strong changes in moods. One of my newly diagnosed adult children is struggling with this right now and right now is loosing the battle but I'm confident she will win, eventually, and with lots of casualities as I've had, but also with people who are understanding and help her but for the most part - she's been deserted by just about all because of her frontal lobe epilepsy symptoms which she can't understand and even I still can't either. I understand the disconnect in a t/c but it's hard to understand the brain disconnect when my mellow mood turns into a rage over something that can be insignificant. Worst of all for my daughter? She's deserting herself because she's afraid of herself, currently despises herself. Once I read there are 67 moods. For me? That's just too darn many to cope with. These moods could be any kind from anger, to extreme sorrow, empathy, sympathy, being profoundly touched by something. The key word is - "profoundly" or - out of proportion. I know it when this suddenly happens to me. Often it is embarassing but usually I feel removed, almost in a fugue until I snap out of it. Often it gets me in trouble. During the "mood", whatever it is, I feel justified no matter what I do or say. Later I often regret my actions and/or words but also know I am powerless to stop them the next time they happen. It feels to me like a match is suddenly lit and I have to wait until the flame flickers out. A psychiatrist said I had "mood disorder" which made sense in a way but it was too profound, there were other symptoms too that felt epileptic like. But I bought it, sort of. I had a skull fracture in several places, one of which was my right frontal lobe. I won't go through all of that but I had two surgeries, my life hung in balance, the recovery from that lasted months and I have some residual effect but certainly not what anyone thought I'd have. IOW I've had a very good recovery. However since that time? I have, even to me, very disturbing mood swings. Sudden, profound. I'm powerless to stop them. If I can make myself separate myself from people, get in a room and just hug myself with my eyes closed until the feeling passes I can control it but often? Again, I feel justified and I've hurt people. Or embarassed them or made them wonder - what's wrong with her. Well, heck I've asked myself that question too. I had a traumatic event happen to me. Very traumatic. The anniversary of that event will be 3 years this coming March. I have had extensive psychiatric counseling and have done very well. Better again then expected but I also have life long PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome). This translates to - I have some very hot buttons. I also got a diagnosis of "mood swings". But again it felt a lot more than that to me. I've never been able to not control what I say. I've never gone back and read horrid things I've written. I talked to my epileptologist about this today and we had a wonderful talk. I told him I've read plenty of threads where people have obviously lost it in anger or sorrow. I've seen plenty of threads that people go back and remove or edit their posts but I read them first and they were extremely over the top emotionally. It wasn't, then, just me. I asked him, is this psychiatric or frontal lobe, based on what I've been reading. His answer was, there is no easy answer to that. However, I do have right frontal lobe brain damage and THAT is when I started having such poor mood control. Ir can be very hard on those around me. It's very hard on me. I've made some big messes that sometimes can be cleaned up, sometimes not. In my case I do have frontal lobe epilepsy that triggers these severe, strong, sudden, deep emotions that I verbalize and I feel are justified at the time. In my case it also at times causes me to misinterpret an event. It's not that I don't feel justified later. It's that I know I could have handled my verbal responses a lot better later. I have shame and remorse. In my case my PTSD interacts with my frontal lobe epilepsy but he said everyone has trauma, experences in their lives that influences emotions etc. That made a lot of sense to me. Relieved me. I've written some very strong threads here. I've written some very strong things on my blog. I can not say I don't mean anything I've said. My point is, according to my epileptologist and from what I've read since then, strong sudden emotions can be a part of anyone's epilepsy particularly if you have frontal lobe or TLE's. He said too that often things that we've held in come out during these misfires of the brain. There have been times I have looked back at things I've written in horror. It's not that I don't mean what I typed. It's the way I typed it. OR it's the fact that normally I would have never said what I did ever, at all. But? There it is. A Swedish proverb I've said here before is: We are the master of the unspoken word. Unfortunately I'm powerless on this day, not to speak some unfortunate words. Feel things too deeply at times. Am I asking to be excused or forgiven? No. I've already asked two and the answer was a resounding no. I've lost every single friend that I've met here. That really does hurt a lot. I've joined a new forum, in a way, I'm not very active, but I felt here was my home until I goofed it up myself. I'll take the blame and I should. But I do want people to be aware that some of us have frontal lobe epilepsy where the emotions, personality, some cognition can be altered. If you do not have this problem? I doubt you can understand it but I do have this problem apparently and it is a deep sorrow for me because I know that in my forever future I will at times become unreasonably hostile and vile over something I shouldn't. I will sob over a puppy's sore paw. I will have total intolerance to those who practice intolerance and I will be very vocal about it. Sometimes? I'm glad I'm this way. Most of the time? I truly hate it. This is why I'm currently very slow to participate on any other epilepsy forum and maybe I always will be now, maybe I should be too. Some of us have this. Some of us can not stop ourselves from typing when this is happening to us. Some of us just disappear and can control what we do to others when experiencing it. So much is discussed about depression, sleep disorder, mood swings, but so little is ever printed, discussed about why some of this occurs and how our feelings, our words, are part of this damnable syndrome. I am sorry for those I insulted. I was very hurt but I know I hurt some too. That is why I left but after learning more about why my moods can suddenly swing into not just anger but rage? I wanted to print this explanation in the hope it might help someone else - like it has me. S'long again. God be with you all. Gretchen

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