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Finished with it all

Mon, 12/19/2016 - 10:36
I was diagnosed with schitzencephaly,a few years ago but never really knew what it was knew I was born with birth defect,but never knew,in 2003 started having grand Mall seizures out of the blue,,medicine of any kind has always been a problem with me with side effects,was on Dilatant from 2003 until 2009,,but the side effects made me feel so bad I cried for hours and still had seizures on occasion,but dealt with it,in 2009 after an extremely bad seizure, I broke down and had to be hospitalized,they changed my meds to Lamotrigine, lorazepam,and cellexa and it was wonderful,no side effects and seizures about one every two years,this year a few months ago I had a bad seizure,and they increased my dose of Lamotrigine to such a high level,and my side effects returned in a big way,even though they returned my meds to the previous level my body is rejecting it and Everytime I take it I find myself crying hysterically,I live alone with no assisted living,for two months I have lived in cruel torture,crying hysterically and afraid to have a seizure, afraid to change meds on my own,alone,scared to have another seizure,did 3 EEGs at different hospital a new doctors say I do not have epileptic seizures now but Mon epileptic seizures and say I need a therapist, meanwhile on same meds and going mad now afraid to to meds and have a seizure,curled up in a ball in my room for 2 months,had to give my pet bird away,have had some other issues but not severe,just everyday life problems,after two months of extreme trauma and the brush-off by new doctors,I am finished,I can no longer deal with this and not want to anymore,do not want anymore seizures period,scared to death to move,pray every night I don't wake up have no money

Comments

No, I have a 70 year old

Submitted by Skippy girl on Mon, 2016-12-19 - 13:46
No, I have a 70 year old mother,who is I'll herself,so I have no one to stick around for except the bird,not going to live another 20 years like this,once you have lived a very full life like I did before the seizures,it is pale in comparison, living in low income housing, where neighbors and friends die every week,was a country girl,used to the farm, not being caged up in an apartment I hate,just got call from a case worker who will try to help,but not doctor or nurse,will not help with seizures,just send someone,who is not a nurse to watch me cry hysterically,,I don't want to wake up in the morning,but because of my religious beliefs cannot do anything to myself,if I believed differently we would not be having this discussion now,which makes me more upset, because I am bound not to do it,but yet I have suffered so much,I used to have money before my divorce, several years ago,but my ex sued me for everything I had and all I had left was a handful of furniture,,if you have some money it makes it a little bit easier,I could get the better treatment and get a shot to knock me out for a while,but praying I never wake up is the only happiness I have,last year several doctors thought I had breast cancer,so for 2 months while waiting to see the specialist,(I also postponed my appointment because I was sort of seeing somebody,and our birthdays were close together and wanted to celebrate without worrying) but when I thought I had cancer,I was the happiest I had been in years,,a weight was lifted, because I thought I was going to die a legitimate death,,I was incredibly happy,even though it may have been a possible long and painful death,the weight was lifted,I felt so free,even joyful,I had a big smile on my face every day,but alas,after six months of tests,the doctors were wrong,all three, including two specialists,,I was devastated,I could have been free from all this, don't want to go through this again in a few years when my mother is dead, just tired of it all, I am middle aged,no grandchildren,no home,no job,car or friends I am ready to go,but Thanks I appreciate your concern

Thanks for your words of

Submitted by Skippy girl on Mon, 2016-12-19 - 14:00
Thanks for your words of encouragement,but like I posted before,I cannot do suicide because of my religious beliefs so I am very much stuck,that is part of my misery,yes everyone knows how I feel,even my doctors,but my insurance will not pay for inpatient mental health,my problem is I absolutely never want to have a seizure again or live in paralyzing fear like I do now,I was strong for so long now I am tired of fighting after so long,after praying for years,I have asked for mercy to end my suffering.Thanks again

No, I have a 70 year old

Submitted by Skippy girl on Mon, 2016-12-19 - 14:00
No, I have a 70 year old mother,who is I'll herself,so I have no one to stick around for except the bird,not going to live another 20 years like this,once you have lived a very full life like I did before the seizures,it is pale in comparison, living in low income housing, where neighbors and friends die every week,was a country girl,used to the farm, not being caged up in an apartment I hate,just got call from a case worker who will try to help,but not doctor or nurse,will not help with seizures,just send someone,who is not a nurse to watch me cry hysterically,,I don't want to wake up in the morning,but because of my religious beliefs cannot do anything to myself,if I believed differently we would not be having this discussion now,which makes me more upset, because I am bound not to do it,but yet I have suffered so much,I used to have money before my divorce, several years ago,but my ex sued me for everything I had and all I had left was a handful of furniture,,if you have some money it makes it a little bit easier,I could get the better treatment and get a shot to knock me out for a while,but praying I never wake up is the only happiness I have,last year several doctors thought I had breast cancer,so for 2 months while waiting to see the specialist,(I also postponed my appointment because I was sort of seeing somebody,and our birthdays were close together and wanted to celebrate without worrying) but when I thought I had cancer,I was the happiest I had been in years,,a weight was lifted, because I thought I was going to die a legitimate death,,I was incredibly happy,even though it may have been a possible long and painful death,the weight was lifted,I felt so free,even joyful,I had a big smile on my face every day,but alas,after six months of tests,the doctors were wrong,all three, including two specialists,,I was devastated,I could have been free from all this, don't want to go through this again in a few years when my mother is dead, just tired of it all, I am middle aged,no grandchildren,no home,no job,car or friends I am ready to go,but Thanks I appreciate your concern

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