So... I was diagnosed with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy about 6 weeks ago. I've had a lot of the typical symptoms that I have read about (deja vu episodes, dissociation/derealization/depersonalization, memory impairment, trouble focusing, irritability, etc.). My MRI showed scarring in my left temporal lobe. I've had no head trauma, and the fact that nobody knows the cause of the scarring makes all of this more terrifying and confusing.
(I've been taking Lamictal, and very recently upped my dose to 100mg 2x daily. The accompanying sedation combined with my crummy memory is making writing this pretty difficult.)
Anyway, the relief I experienced upon diagnosis to finally have an answer for the horrible episodes I have experienced and other symptoms has worn off. My brain is playing tricks on me because of this TLE... I'm terrified that it will worsen and that my cognitive function will deteriorate (the thought of which I can't cope with at this point). I'm scared that my medication will stop working--that in the long run, medication will not help me. I have an awful tendency to play ameteur doctor and over-research every TLE-related thought that I have, which worsens the anxiety that I already have (and have experienced my whole life)... and the anxiety cycle goes on and on and on, and I get paranoid, and the stress exacerbates my episodes/partial seizures.
I lost my job and had to drop out of school because of my seizures, and I'm scared that I won't be able to work or go to school again. My biggest problem at work was the irritation and rage--my inability to cope with the "f***ing morons who can't do their jobs" created an immense amount of stress for me, that eventually led to me having these partial seizures (which, until diagnosis, I had thought were dissociative panic attacks) at work--in the kitchen, over a 550 degree grill. I'm scared of having to explain my condition to future employers, mostly because I don't know how it will affect future job performance--especially cognitive impairment ("the stupids") that accompanies my medication.
Although I have a lot of moral/emotional support in my life, I feel very alone in this. I'm trying to find ways to keep my head up through all the confusion, uncertainty, and fear, but it's difficult because I don't know anyone else with epilepsy, nor anyone close to me who has received a life-changing diagnosis like this. I need to talk to some people who have experienced the same things I have, to help me out when I feel like I'm going insane. Most days are okay, but I have a really hard time with my anxiety at night, and I'd like to develop more tools to combat this. I'm already a paranoid person as it is....
Anyway, sorry that was so long-winded. I just need some help getting through this.