Depression, Sleep and Epilepsy - To Drown The Monstrous I


A poem which attempts to describe the depression that so often goes hand in hand with epilepsy.

To Drown The Monstrous I

Free, but rarely registering,
The land, the sky the sea,
My world’s within; a maelstrom of misery.
Replicated deep within each cell
Redundant thought, contemplative hell
I strive to die, I strive to weep
To drown the monstrous I, in sleep.

Within my selfish severed head,
All friends are absent, and lovers dead.
I’m lost to touch, my senses shed
My mind consumed, by parasitic dread,
I strive to die, I strive to weep
To drown the monstrous I, in sleep.


Re: Depression, Sleep and Epilepsy - To Drown The Monstrous I

you write beautifully. the glass is half full my husband says and i take this to mean more for hime than me. the epilepsy is harder for my family than me. I forget the simple things, mostly everything but I take life one day at a time. Just happy if I don't hurt myself.

So the house isn't spotless, decorated to impressed. I don't know what I want in that area anyway. yes i don't have close friends, raising two sons to be independent hasn't happened. Relatives aren't the people I thought they'd be. There's more to life.

I'm playing my guitar, singing at retirement homes and feeling a sense of purpose. Tell yourself there has to be a way. If you're  able what about reading to

disabled, retired people who are longing for the attention.

Writing in my journal I know helps me deal w life and gives support. 

Keep writing and sharing. I'm sure more than me are impressed.

Re: Depression, Sleep and Epilepsy - To Drown The Monstrous I


Thank you so much for your lovely comments & kind thoughts. I wrote the poem a while ago: my current source of frustration is I can no longer express myself. Anti-convulsants, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds leave me lethargic. I thought perhaps posting a few old poems and getting feedback might spur me on, so thank you.

I would love to do volunteer work again but am too exhausted: I work full-time in a demanding job and no longer have the energy to do both.

Playing the guitar for people less fortunate sounds really rewarding. A journal...too much self-loathing at the moment...horrible mood swings...I like to beat myself up. Not a good character trait I know. But it will always does.

Best wishes,

Re: Depression, Sleep and Epilepsy - To Drown The Monstrous I

have you tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? I discovered the idea of self compassion while attending sessions over the last 2 years, along with a lot of other useful strategies for dealing with depression and anxiety.

 It's really lifted the heavy weight I was feeling. I'm actually starting to leave the house again, and I no longer sit crying for hours or wake in the night with crippling anxiety.

I think its really brave of you to put a poem on the web. I just joined this site and am just finding my way round, but I'm loving the idea of a creative forum for people to express themselves and their feelings. Just what we all need I think  :)

Re: Depression, Sleep and Epilepsy - To Drown The Monstrous I

After undergoing my first surgery in the 80s and being seizure free for almost 3 years, the nightmare returned.  I not only call the seizures a nightmare, but every one of these seizures placed me in status epilepticus.  I began having nightmares where I've had one of those seizures, and I am now looking down on myself from above, just to see myself as a vegitable.  To this very day I still have that same nightmare.  The worst of the seizures placed me in status epilepticus for 10 hrs 12 minutes, only to go into another one lasting 2 hrs 32 minutes.  They told my parents then I would not fully recover.  It took a bit over a month, but I went back and laughed in their face.  Five years ago I was tested for surgery a second time.  This time the results did not place me on the regular waiting list.  I was placed on what they called the emergency list.  They compaired my complex seizure readings with that of a regular grand mal, and they were just as high.  My grand mal readings were higher than any of them had ever seen before, and have been used at neurological conferences.  The second surgery, along with a VNS, have brought the seizures down to short complex partials, but I still keep having that nightmare of looking down on a brain dead vegitable after having one.


Re: Depression, Sleep and Epilepsy - To Drown The Monstrous I

Hi Greg,

Wow - amazing and a testimony to the human spirit of endurance and the will to survive.  I hope your nightmares lessen and you keep laughing in the face of adversity.  Sweet dreams!  Less fear and nightmares....I am humbled. Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,