I don't know what it is about the way that Kaitlyn looks but it's not right. She started Depakote on Thursday, it was a double dose to bump her levels up but I am really wanting this to be the medicine that works. These "episodes" that she is having that I think are seizures (not sure, as they all haven't been confirmed...) she will just get upset, scream, cry and repeat the same words over and over again... her eyes don't look right. She doesn't look like she's there, and they are happening alot and for along time, several minutes at a time. I thought I was crazy since everyone else is in denial, even Nic calls her seizures supposed seizures.... like they aren't really happening. Well tonight at dinner we met my in-laws and my father in law (her Papa) said "It's like she goes into these rages and no one is home, she doesn't look like she is there.... there is something wrong with the way her eyes look!" Well I am sort of glad that someone else noticed it. Atleast it's not only me, except that means that they are becoming more noticeable. She is really exhausted lately so maybe that it making it worse. I am really worried about her. I can't blame it on the Depakote because it really started before the Depakote, and I don't think it's any worse, I just think we are more sensitive to it. This medicine has to work, I am not ready to stop it yet by any means. We just had blood work done today along with Christopher's MRI. I really am ready to know what that showed. I am nervous as hell. I just want answers.

I have been thinking about why both kids would have this, well not "why" but if there was maybe some family history that I am missing and I have come to the conclusion that maybe some of the family has it, and doesn't know it. I mean, we have a very strong history of migraines.... that are so debliatating that they make us all sick.... I have a great aunt that had Epilepsy, everyone says from a car accident but no one knows for sure. It's possible she had it before and that's what caused the car accident.... then I was thinking, my aunt, my mothers sister.... has these episdoes that no one has been able to determine what they are.... she will black out, not be able to talk, not be able to comprehend anything and just wander... they have done sleep studies, MRI's, CTs, and still not able to figure it out... sort of sounds like Complex Partials to me.... But I am no doctor by any means...Then I was thinking too that I don't know my fathers side, they could easily have it or someone... I would never know.... same with my husband, he only knows some of the family and he has one cousin who has had 2 seizures out of no where in like 3 years.... and everyone says there is no family history..... I don't know...

Nic and I aren't weathering the storm very well. I am really worried that the stress from all of this is going to be enough to cause us to split. I gave him my wedding rings back tonight, I was so mad at him. He isn't the man that I married, I don't know who he is anymore... he gets so mad at the kids (and he really is a great father). He acts unhappy when he's home and I think he is discouraged that something is wrong with our kids. Sure we didn't plan for this nor expect it but it is what it is and they are still perfect. I don't know. I just can't deal with the fighting while trying to be strong for the kids and also dealing with my dad dying. It's alot... I don't know. Nothing is going the way it's supposed to.