Today has just been dragging on, it seems like an eternity when in reality it's only 4:00 PM. Kaitlyn has been so upset lately, not herself and flying into rages out of no where. For months now I have convinced myself that she doesn't need medication and that maybe, just maybe this would all go away if we avoided it. Well today after almost spanking her (I don't believe in spanking at all, and am very against it for my own children) because she was so naughty I realized I've had enough of doing this, hiding it under the bed and avoiding it all together. I talk about it everyday, I think about it every minute of everyday. I know that she has Epilepsy and I need to accept it, I need accept that I can't fix it... I can't make it go away, but I know that I can make it apart of our lives without making it our life. I feel like these months that I have fought with the idea of medicating I have done nothing but hurt Kaitlyn.

I just got off of the phone with the Epilepsy specialist and the doctor was extremely upset with everything that Kaitlyn has been through with other doctors and also worried about her. She said that Kaitlyn needs to have her seizures get under control ASAP. She said that she is certain that the behavior problems are a result from the seizures and that based on everything that Kaitlyn is doing that she is certain that her seizures are getting worse. So tonight we are starting her on Depakote. We have to do a double dose tonight to get her levels up fast because they said that she can't go uncontrolled like any longer.

After talking with Nic, I think we both agree that we haven't given the medicine a honest try. We have looked at it like a bad thing but right now her behavior is so horrible off of the medicine because of the seizures, I don't think it can get any worse. I feel like we need to get in control of all of the medical issues that are going on and if we keep avoiding this then we are just making it worse. I really feel horrible that I have been like this for so many months. I feel like I haven't done anything to help her at all. Now hopefully this will help her, I just want to see her be happy again and not feel so horrible. For weeks now she just lays around when she isn't in a rage and says that she doesn't feel good, her tummy hurts or she is tired. This is no way for her to be... especially just because I am scared to put her on medicine.