Sometimes I wonder why one person or one family can get bombared with so many bad things and there are families who aren't even touched with stress or pain. How does "the man" decide who gets dealt the shitty hand and who gets the full house? I don't know. I am just really struggling here. It was bad enough when Kaitlyn was born with a heart defect, followed by the lack of soft spot. That was stressful in its own and I had no idea what stress was back then. My father was diagnosed with Hep C and the start of liver failure after Kaitlyn was born, we didn't know what it meant but knew it wasn't good. That was really hard to cope with. Then I end up pregnant with Christopher and had an uneventful pregnancy and delivery. Christopher was born with health problems too, only his are all stomach and his intenstinal track, or we thought. Then all of the sudden he is hospitalized for spesis and it seemed like that is when it all started to snow ball. My father developed a tumor on laranyx, which thankfully turned out to be from the chemo he was taking to try and kill his hep c, which as ironic as it is almost killed him. He went into complete liver failure in December, followed by being hospitalized and placed on the waiting list which is about a 3 years long. Kaitlyn started to have seizures in March. Then Christopher was being tested for Cystis Fibrosis. Now Christopher is being tested for Autism because the ped is sure that he has mild Autism because he shows all of the red flags, as well as syptoms of seizures too. I just really am getting to the point where I don't know how to cope. I mean, I only went into my families health, not even my in-laws. My father-in-law since having Kaitlyn has had numerous heart attacks, a hand full of surgeries on his ankles and feet, a storke and many more hospitalizations. It's just a lot to deal with.

How do you cope with 2 kids that have health problems? How do you make sure that you don't limit them in life because of your own fears? How do you not become to over protective over them that you allow them to make mistakes and even have the chance to have a few ouchies? I mean, I don't want them to get hurt by any means but I also don't want to be so protective of them because of their health conditions that I make it impossible for even a scrapped knee. I just really am feeling alot of self pity and it sucks. I don't wnat pity from anyone else, let alone myself. I never knew this sort of pain before. This has to be the worst. Not that Autism has anything to do with Epilepsy but as I am writing this I am watching Christopher and I just worry about the future for him. Not that one ailment is better than another but with Epilepsy there is the chance for a perfectly normal life and you don't have to allow your life to be formed around seizures, the seizures are (or should) a part of your life but not your life. Well with Autism, how do you not make it your life. I mean, how do you promise for them to have the best life when they have something to this magnitude. I just can't deal with this unknown. With so many other things, everything is certain, with the brain it's so unknown and really drives me nuts.

I want what every parent wants, to take the pain away from their children and live it themselves. I watch Kaitlyn struggle with her anger or her confusion after seizures and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I look at Christopher while he is screaming and crying because Kaitlyn just invaded his space and it grinds the pieces of my heart further into the cement. I just feel torn. I know that my children are bright, wonderful, beautiful children and they deserve more. All of our children and all of us deserve more. I just want to find a way to cope with it and be able to provide the best possible life for them without making us all crazy. I want the fear to fade and the acceptance to come in now and I am trying but it just isn't working. I want all of the answers and I want to know what the future holds so I can prepare for what is to come and I know that's not logical. How do I get past the guilt of all of the what if's, or the I should haves.. how do you deal with it all.