I am really depressed today, this week....everyday. I have been calling Kaitlyn's neuro for 2 weeks a few days now. He finally called me back about the side effects that she had been having from the Trileptal. He wants us to stop the Trileptal tomorrow, cold turkey. This worries me. Then on Saturday if all goes well and she returns to the Kaitlyn that we all miss, he wants to start Depakote. I am truly scared. I have read side effects and how the long term/serious side effects are worse for children under 3. I just don't know how much more I can handle. Not to mention that I see that it comes in a sprinkle capsule form, and that won't go over well with Kaitlyn. And the routine blood work that has to be done. The neuro also said that since she is having so many seizures that not medicating isn't really a safe option because the seizures are from sleep deprivation and not really from the medication. That if we were to not medicate and any other triggers were to happen she would have more seizures and strong seizures (maybe stronger isn't the word he used but I can't think of the word I am looking for). I just don't know how to handle all of this. I am really getting pushed to my limit. I am worried/scared and just want to cry right now.

Kaitlyn had atleast 2 seizures today and one of them lasted 2+ minutes. I am just terrified everytime that I go into her room to wake her up from a nap or in the mornings. Everyone says that I should get a video monitor for her room or that she should be sleeping in our room. I just wish we could get everything under control and I could figure out how to cope. When I saw her having the seizure when I walked into her room my heart broke into a million pieces. I am just tired of this all. I called my mom to talk to her about what the neuro said and about how Kaitlyn had another longer more severe seizure today and she acted like I am making this up or like I am bugging a doctor about a runny nose. She asked me why am I wanting them to change the medicine again and that she doesn't think it's a good idea to keep switching medicine. I am just so frustrated with people. I really wish everyone would get educated on this and understand that this is not what I want but what has to be done. I am not wanting them to change her medicine around every month for shits and giggles. I was really hoping that the Trileptal would work, I was being very positive and trying to hope for the best. I just really wish that someone could feel what I feel and understand what it's like to live with a child that is going through this. I have met so many wonderful on here that understand and I forget when talking to my family that they don't know and they can't be supportive but I expected more from them. I guess. I shouldn't have. I just want someone to comfort me when I need to cry. I really am hurting right now and there is nothing I can do.

I still haven't found out about Christopher's EEG results. I should find out by the end of the week. I am terrified to know them. I can't handle much more. Next week we take him to the GI doctor and that is a huge worry too. I am just really to my limit. I fear that something is really wrong with him and no one is catching it. I feel like no one is listening and I am standing there screaming. I just don't know what to do or how to cope with him, Kaitlyn, my father and now I worry that something is wrong with me. I haven't felt well for weeks and today I noticed that I am covered in bruises. I am just freaking out and need some support. My husband told me that he can't handle another sick person or he will lose it. I really just want a hug. I feel alone in this struggle. I am the only one searching for answers. I spend my days calling doctors and trying to figure out how to be the best advocate for both of the children, I don't have time for there to be something wrong with me. Christopher is doing the oddest behaviors that I am worried about him. Really worried about him. Nic's in denial about what is going on with him and so is my mother. I talked with my grandmother today, for along time. She agrees that it all seems strange and she thinks that I am doing the right thing pushing the doctors for more answers. I just feel like I am losing this battle by not getting the help and the answers we all need. I just have the tears pouring now and there is no stoping them.... it's flooding.