Some days it all get's to be too much. I have been reading a little bit to much lately it seems. I don't know if I should take a break from figuring this all out or if I am on to something. When I spoke with the E Specialist last month I forgot to totally explain two of her seizures to them, so when I just remembered that I was waiting on a call from the nurse about the medicine anyway so I mentioned it the nurse again. While waiting for them to return my call I have been speaking with another gentleman that has epilepsy and he has said that he thinks what I am explaining sound like generalized seizures, or 2nd generalized. I'm not sure what this all means, I know what generalized are. I guess I just don't know if this would change the course of treatment or not and if this would mean a different part of the brain is being affected. I have learned so much about everything lately, but at times I feel like I've learned to much. I start to put her in categories of possible things that might be wrong with her and it just makes me more upset. I don't know, it's just one of those days.

I am tired of seeing her get so angry for nothing. It's hard to deal with. I am tired of our family not taking this as serious as it is. My husbands family hasn't even bothered to check in on her. When Kaitlyn went to the ER the first time after her longest seizure no one ever called to check on her. Not even her aunt. Three days after we were in the ER, my husbands sister had a bithday party for her daugther and when we got there, she didn't even say one word about the seizures or even ask if everything is ok. We had just found out that our 1 year old daugther has Epilepsy and she can't even ask how she is doing. However, when her daugther got her tonsils out, we were there, we waited while the surgery was going on, we called, we stopped by, we cared. My husbands mother and father act like it's nothing, when I try to give them the latest updates they don't even listen. It seems like the only time they care or pretend to care is if someone else asks them how she is. Then my parents, when Kaitlyn had her first seizure I told my mother what happened and she told me that I was over reacting and not to worry about things so much. Then when I told her that I called the doctor about it, she told me I was obsessed with doctors and to leave it alone. On our way to the ER after Kaitlyn's 2nd seizure (larger seizure) I called her and she said "This is bad, really really bad", you think.... I know that this is bad. I don't need someone else telling me that it's bad. After the ER visit was over, she continues to act like this is nothing. When we drove to St Louis for a second opinion my mother told me that I was doing too much, that I shouldn't be so worried about it. What should I be doing? Just sit back and let it be, should I not be searching for any answers? Whenever we have a doctor appointment I hear about how we are always at the doctors, or that I am wasting money. I just don't understand. It's frustrating that no one seems to understand what this is like. Then when we started the medicine and Kaitlyn has been having a lot of behavior problems, whenever I have tried to speak about it or tell someone how she has been they just tell me that it's normal, she's going through the "terrible twos" and that I am over analyzing everything. I know my daugther, I don't understand how someone can tell me that I am wrong. I know her. I know how she acts. I know when something isn't right.

My husband is getting frustrated with it all. He doesn't understand the process, or the need for everything that has been going on. He doesn't want to have her on the medicine because it's upsetting for him to see how it is making her act. I understand that, but I just can't sit back and wait for another seizure to happen without atleast feeling like we are doing something to try and help her to gain the control that I know that she would want. He is a good father, he loves his kids, he just wants them to feel no pain. I think it overwhelms him to have something wrong with her that isn't a simple problem. I think the fact that it is so complex that there is so much trial and error for the whole treatment, I think that is what is overwhelming for him. He doesn't want to read what I read, he says it upsets him.

I don't know, it's just one of those days. We have been dealing with her bad behavior all day and we have to increase the meds again tomorrow so I am sure that the behavior will get worse tomorrow. I love my little girl, she is my angel. It makes me so upset to watch her temper tantrums and then to see how she is afterwards. She gets so heart broken after she has an outburst. I know that she doesn't mean to hurt people, I know that she is caring. I just want her back to how she used to be.

It's just a bad day, hopefully tomorrow will be better.